Balance.

 I’ve been watching the olympics, as I’m sure you all have too.  I will always be in awe of the balance beam.  The skill, strength, precision, and ability to block out the risk just makes this event so amazing to watch.  

Balance also happens to be my mom’s favorite word and favorite concept.  I’ve got gifts with the word on it, I used it as a theme for the latest science-audience post I wrote about my cancer and teaching, and as a high schooler I wrote about how the balance of the universe and conservation of mass was my favorite concept.  

So this post will have balance.  Good, and bad.  Smiles and tears.  Highs and lows.  I’d rather end on a high note, so let’s start with the downside.

Two weeks ago, I went in for a CT scan, my ‘routine’ after 3 rounds of a treatment to see whether the cancer had grown, stabilized, or shrunk.  2/3 options would be “good news”. But, you know, I like to be special, and I always expect the worse, and my expectations were met.  The cancer grew.  My lung nodules got bigger, almost doubling in size, despite the infusion chemo of Halavan I had been getting 2/3 weeks for the past 3 months.

So that sucks.  

Another bullet shot out of the gun.

Another drug crossed off the list.

Shit news.  That I actually read on the toilet!  Haha, I couldn’t wait to get back to my office after seeing the MyChart notification.  Oh the instant-always connected world we live in! 

I texted my family, met up with a friend for lunch and then had to prepare a presentation I gave that afternoon.  Sometimes you just got to fake it till you make it, put on a smile and get shit done.  

I wouldn’t be seeing my doctor until till Friday.  So of course, as per usual, I spent the next couple days rereading clinical treatment guidance, scientific studies, my previous tumor genetic reports, etc.  

When I saw my doc, we wallowed in mutual dissatisfaction and then got to talking about potential next steps.  I really respect him and his process and he said he wasn’t ready to make a decision, wanted to consult the breast specialist from Indiana University I previously saw, check with a radiologist on the read of the CT.  That was great, because I told him I wasn’t going to change my plans for the next 2 weeks of travel and fun.  

The next week, he called with a plan.  There’s a clinical trial that would be good to try, but enrollment is currently paused for a few months.  So instead, we will continue going down the list of traditional therapies and move on to a new infusion chemo drug, Doxil.  This drug is similar to what I had upon my first diagnosis ~6 years ago.  But, since then, they’ve improved the delivery of it, so side effects are less.  I might even get to keep my hair! The nice thing is it’s only a once a month infusion, so hopefully scheduling won’t be too terrible or interfere with already made plans.  It isn’t a drug I can stay on long-term though, as it is cardiotoxic (bad for the heart).  Hence, I have a heart echo scheduled for when I get back into town.

So yeah.  Not great news.  Getting worse, not better.  One more option gone.  But some options ahead perhaps.  We may eventually need to re-biopsy the lung to confirm the exact tumor type, which could also open more options potentially (some drugs only for some tumor types).  

But the good news!  The balance!

After getting the shit news and discussing with my doc, it was only 2 days later that I got to pick up my sister and niece and head to Cedar Point.  We spent Monday chilling on the beach till it was time to pick up my nephew who flew in also.  

A dinner of “amusement park” style Hibachi to celebrate his arrival capped off the night.  Tuesday was a super full day of fun at the park.  Thankfully, more rides accommodated larger riders, so I rode a bunch and had a great time.  

We stayed that night as well, driving back to Dayton the next day.  Unfortunately, a nasty head cold made its rounds through my nephew, niece and I, so the next few days were pretty chill.  My sister left Thursday early to go prepare the Colorado ranch for the family’s arrival. My niece, nephew and I checked out the Air Force Museum (so cool, and my nephew’s knowledge of history is amazing), ordered food, and were nice enough to accompany me to campus for my student’s presentation.  

We Top Golfed on the way to the airport and had a pretty seamless travel out west.  Destination: Grand Junction then up the Monument to the Dirty Boot!

It had been since Christmas 2019 the whole family had gotten together (#thanksCOVID) so I was super excited to spend some time with everyone! And, I love the physical place there.  It feels like home, and the desert and mountains just make me smile, even in shit times.  The whole clan is 14 strong, with 3 teens, 3 little kids, 3 couples, mom and me.  We were the last to arrive and the whole house was asleep, but the next day we began a few days of fun.  

Hiking, cooking, olympics watching, a gorgeous lake day (had it all to ourselves!), dance parties, birthday celebrations, games, tacos, dinosaurs, watching thunderstorms, and some planning for this Christmas when we will all hopefully be together again. 

I was able to enjoy it all, and often forgot about the cancer, the treatments, etc.  But it doesn’t go away.  It impacts future plans.  It makes it harder to opt for the active option of daily activities. And, combined with the massive head cold/cough, it makes for some serious hacking up of lungs at times.  I only got a little sad when I had to say my goodbyes last night.  I would be leaving for the airport to catch a 6:30 flight before anyone would be awake, so had to give hugs and goodbyes and then pack and head to bed.  With family, I know that if/when things turn downhill, I probably will see them all again, but now there’s always that “is this the last time” worry.  In this case, is this the last time that our family time will be like this? Easy, without my cancer  causing much interruption.  But worrying doesn’t do much good.  So as I sit here in Salt Lake City waiting for my flight back to Ohio, I won’t worry.  I’ll watch Below Deck (I love my trash TV), people watch, write this overdue post, and move on.  In this particular case, I’m moving on to another trip tomorrow, to Lake Placid for work, doing concussion testing post injury at a big rugby tournament (with some fun mixed in).  

The break in treatments has been kind of nice.  I can’t say I feel that much stronger, better, less fatigued…even though it’s been like a 3 week vacation.  But mentally, it’s been nice to not have the appointments.  I’m actually looking forward to having my new treatment schedule, which I should get next week when I’m back.

As always, thanks for the good thoughts.  Keep on keeping on.

Adventuring in CO and WV

 For those who have been following since the beginning of the metastatic diagnosis early in 2020, you’re familiar with my ABC motto…Adventures? Yes.  Bullshit? No.  Cancer? Fuck off.  Well, June has been a month of trying to live up to this motto and I think I’ve been fairly successful!

First, the medical update.  I completed round 2 of Halavan.  Round 1 actually wasn’t without some difficulty (sore throat, elevated liver enzymes, fatigue).  A small dose reduction was made and round 2 went much better.  I’m halfway through round 3, and after this one, we will scan (mid July) to see what if any progress has been made.  May blood tumor marker was in the ‘right’ direction (down), but the markers only tell so much of the story.  Physically, I’m still doing fairly well, though I have developed a bit of neuropathy  (numbness, tingling) in my left hand mostly.  It isn’t too terrible yet, just makes typing a bit more interesting!

Now on to the adventures!

Along with a busy summer of research, I had planned a few trip for June.  First, was to get out to Colorado and see some friends, I hadn’t since New Years 2020 (when A LOT of things were different!).  So after a Friday treatment, I headed to Cincy to fly out to Denver.  Friday I got to catch up with a great FD friend Flash for some dinner…

And spent the rest of the night with Cat and her family.  Saturday morning was grad school reunion style of Cat, Nat, Leora and I plus families…

Then it was off to the mountains with Cat and Leora to head to the Mt. Princeton Hot Springs.  I’ll let the pics speak for themselves in terms of how unique and cool this place was.  So much fun to hang, stay the night, and wake up to relax mountain-side (and go down the slide!).

Lunch in Buena Vista (BV for the locals…) and then back down to town, dropping Cat off and heading to Louisville with Leora, where she’d be my wonderful host for the next couple of days.

I spent Monday hiking (not to the top with my current fitness, but still getting my steps in!) at Chautauqua Park and the Flatirons….

Before I headed up to the Fort to meet up with grad school mentors and friends Jen and Frank.  It was great to catch up, and the beer and food at Crown Pub is still enjoyable.  Tuesday, I enjoyed a walk out Leora’s backyard that was nearly as beautiful as the day before and then headed to CU to meet a collaborator I had only seen on Zoom screens to that point.  A Pearl Street lunch, coffee with LJG and I was on my way to the airport, via dinner with Rachel, a great friend from UD.  All my high school friends have now moved back to MN, but it’s still so fun to spend time with friends from various points in my life while I’m in one of my favorite states!

Back in Ohio, I stayed busy in the lab with my wonderful students.  Working hard and having fun (and extending my mentoring to suggesting the kids pack at the movie theater…thanks Mom for that smart snacking advice!).

We even had an “insta famous” moment, when Adam Grant, author of Think Again commented on our post about his great book.  Social media isn’t always all bad!

A day of hooky at Kings Island with Diana and fam was fun, though sort of depressing as my new bad ass cancer fighting body is also a little big for some of the roller coaster rides….additional motivation for healthy living I guess.

The latest adventure was of epic proportions!  Some of my high school friends were able to find the time in their busy lives to come down and adventure with me!  The idea came up in conversation with Alexis, about how this year was the 15th anniversary of my dad’s passing.  And, that I had said I was going to spread his ashes in WV where he used to raft, got me into it, etc, but hadn’t yet.  So, why not?  Why not go and do it?  So we did!

Sonja arrived Thursday night late, Friday I finished my ‘camp mom’ duties of packing bags of toiletries and necessities, we picked up a rental car and then headed to Cincy to pick up Alexis, Heather and Keely who had flown in from Minneapolis.  We spent the 4 hour drive through Kentucky’s rolling hills and into West Virginia playing catch up, singing pop 2K songs, and busting any preconceived notions that ladies are cleaner/less vulgar than men.  We rolled into Fayetteville WV, crossing the New River Bridge (America’s Newest National Park!), ready for adventure!  Our home for the next two nights would be camping at Adventures on the Gorge, a terrific resort I’ve frequented before.  

I’ll be honest…I had to convince the girls a bit that whitewater rafting would be fun and they’d enjoy it.  Luckily, I KNOW MY AUDIENCE.  It was a fantastic time.  We had an AMAZING guide Dusty that we bonded with on and off the river.  The weather was great.  Me and my big mouth got dumped early (I deserved it).  The robust rafting crew did great on the Lower New.  Just a few highlight pics…

And yes, I realize that if you haven’t been rafting, rafting pics are pretty lame…we learned that as kids when my dad would always want to show us his pictures.  Speaking of Pops, after the great day rafting, celebrating, and going to bed at a time reflective of being in our mid-30s, Sunday was a pretty special day.  We drove a little ways over to the put in for the Upper Gauley, the river Dad had rafted with his friends back in the 80s/90s and which had originally brought me to WV (on his suggestion) in college and since.  There was a nice spot to say a few words (glad we did the I Am From poems at work last year), spread his ashes, and refill his urn with river rocks representing everyone in the family.  It was so nice to have friends with me, especially those that knew my dad and were there alongside of me 15 years ago at the funeral.  In true Anne/Crecelius style, there weren’t just tears, but also some laughs (that calm pool didn’t really clear the ashes out as I might have thought….maybe he’s just waiting for dam release and high water!).  

A quick waterfall stop on the drive back, more food, laughs, “inappropriate” discussions, and it was time to drop the girls back at the airport for their flight home.  Lex put together an amazing video of the trip…it’s about 13 minutes, she included the video from on the river, edited it beautifully.

In true spirit of Lee, have to share the rafting footage…which, let’s be honest, if you havne’t been there, it’s way less exciting to watch!

Sooooo, what about the cancer, Anne?

Right?  Like, both of these trips were the day of/after chemo treatment.  And I’m bald (though hair growing back)! And dying!  How does that all factor in???

Great question.  Really.  Here’s where’s my head’s at with it.  Did I plan these trips in case this is the last time I see some of these people? Absolutely.  I sure hope that’s not the case, but who really knows.  Time will tell.  And, really, I want the people I love and that love me to see me and remember me and spend time with me as ME.  Not as some cancer patient devoid of energy and life.  I think if you asked most of the people I saw (and I did with some!) they’d say they maybe couldn’t even tell I’m “sick”.  Granted, I make my morbid joke a day, lack eyebrows and eyelashes and am at the tip top of weight cycling I’ve done my whole life.  Maybe they see that I’m trying to embrace a ‘no bullshit’ mentality.  But other than maybe a bit earlier bed time, the trips and adventures were pretty “normal”.  Which is exactly what I wanted.  This thing I’m living with is in my life, but I’m committed to not making it my entire life, as long as I can.  So I’m going to travel, and hike, and maybe those goodbye hugs were just a little tighter, and a little longer.  

While I don’t wear a “I have metastatic breast cancer and there’s no cure” t shirt around, I’m not shy about talking about it (clearly).  I’ve had folks say some really, really, kind things and do some really kind things this past month as I’ve shared more, met people, done different things, etc.  It’s really amazing.  Some of the girls and I had a heart to heart after rafting (maaaaybe fueled by those PBR pitchers at the bar), about the future, the unknown, and my likely lack of a presence.  But, I do really believe that one’s legacy and impact goes beyond their physical presence and that’s all I hope for myself.  My legacy can be in spurring old friends to get together when they normally wouldn’t (or only did when I came to town).  It can be in convincing my friends to push their comfort zone and try something they wouldn’t have normally and walk away LOVING it.  For my students to ask a new question, have a bit of fun, or just see each other as people.  

There’s a constant balance of “the end” and “the fight” (which the whole “fight” thing is lame and dumb and it’s not that people who die of cancer didn’t fight, but it’s such common terminology, it’s hard to avoid it).  I waver between the morbid thoughts (‘oh hey, do you want this jacket, because I’ll probably not need it’) to more entertaining morbid thoughts (like when Heather mentioned sky diving and I said “oh hey, I can go for free because I’m dying!) to thoughts that aren’t morbid at all (‘so when are we’re going to do this again?!”).  It really kind of depends on the day, my mood, the activity, etc.  

This last month I was able to see and spend time with people that have been so important to me in life.  I was able to do things I enjoy, to accept new experiences and reminisce about old ones. Today was another great day with the Dayton Fam celebrating Maura’s birthday with a zoo trip, casino, and good food in Cincy!  

This next set of scans will once again be telling…do I stay on the same drug and same schedule?  Change to something new?  If so, how is it?  The questions can be endless if I want them to be.  For now, I’d rather keep planning the adventures to come (Family visit! Trip to Colorado! Work trip to Lake Placid!), keep trying to minimize the bullshit, and definitely telling the cancer that it can just fuck right off.

New drug, new post

As always, I continue to be overwhelmed and so grateful for the amount of support I have in my life.  The past few weeks, between the Science article, the news about progression, stopping wearing my head scarf, etc.  Big to small, you all are awesome.  Thank you.  

A fairly (at least anticipated because I have dinner guests arriving soon!) quick update on the new drug.

Quickly science background is that Halavan works to disrupt microtubules which are important for cell growth.  Cool.  I’m not an organic chemist or a pharmacologist so I don’t really know why that means that we can give the dose over a 3 min push into an IV versus a bag that hangs for 20 min, but that’s the case.  The chemo routine is pretty much the same.  Arrive, grab a chair, look to confirm I’m the youngest in the room by a solid couple of decades most of the time, politely chat with the nurse (usually the same, although sometimes a floater).  Last week, for my first dose, I had to sign the consent, but since I’m a veteran there wasn’t much preamble.  IV in the arm (thank you right arm for being such a good target for so many sticks!).  Draw blood for labs.  Hang out for 15 min while labs run.  Have the nurse hand over and say they are fine (thus far) and then actually examine them to see what that really means.  After that they can prep drugs.  I do get a steroid pre-treatment with this one.  It’s common to prevent nausea and can help with any allergic reactions. 20 min later I’m done with that and the nurse sits and slowly pushes the drug for.a couple minutes.  About an hour both times, pretty slick.

So far, so good and I seem to be tolerating it well.  Have some rosy cheeks/facial flushing, but nothing overly concerning.  No nausea or other GI distress.  Energy levels are decent.  I played a doubles tennis match last Saturday.  I’m going adventuring tomorrow.  So far no major neuropathy (tingling, loss of sensation in arms in feet), although that can occur more commonly as doses accumulate.

Next week I have off, then I’ll see the doc for monthly checkup, full lab work up before starting cycle 2 (remember it’s a 3 week cycle, 2 on, 1 off).

Mentally I continue to vacillate a bit between being pretty good and planning my funeral.  Literally.  I sent my BFF some amazing insomnia fueled texts with plans for the anti-funeral I have in my head (think about like a graduation picnic/party, at various sites across the nation, possibly with branded material and party favors).  Shared it with my mom too.  By the way, MY MOM ROCKS.  I realize Mother’s Day is has passed, but seriously, she’s the best.  Tough lady, super loving, and so far our mutual plan of being totally honest and being able to talk about “real” stuff is going well.  I read things on Facebook cancer groups about people who “don’t know how to tell” their parents, or have these troubles relationships and not only do I not relate to it, I generally tell my mom exactly how much I can’t relate to it and how lucky we are.  But in addition to sketching out possible end of life plans, I’ve also sketched out basically a trip a month, with adventures in between.  

I did make one decision that was somewhat motivated by possible declines in the future as well as other factors.  I’m moving!  While I love my little house, I’m looking forward to moving to a pretty sweet 1 story, with attached 2 car garage apartment, a little in the burbs, but still close to lots of things and 20 minutes from work.  I won’t move till September, so much more on that later.

Work has shifted to summer mode...SUPER quiet, shorts and sandals, and shorter hours.  I’ve got some great students working with me for research, so am confident in building some good momentum going into sabbatical.  Some of the students are documented their work by posting to a new lab Instagram account...give it a follow!  @ud_physiology It gives a good luck into my life. Sharing health news at work is always the hardest, but again, everyone is supportive and willing to be flexible and that relieves a lot of stress.

I was able to volunteer for our in person graduation and so was one of the few faculty able to congratulate our students.  Many shared that it was so nice seeing a friendly face and with my uncertain future, I was really happy to be able to be there.

Friends have arrived so as good of a stopping place as ever! I’ll just go sans links and pics with this one!

I was waiting to update...

 ...until the end of the semester.

....until there was something to say.

....until the next scan.

Metastatic cancer is so much waiting.  Waiting in doctor’s offices.  Waiting for results.  Waiting to see if ‘it’s working!’ or if it’s “so...what’s next?”.  There’s a big difference between that exclamation and that question.  And the only thing there is maybe more of than the waiting, is the questions. So. Many. Questions.  The simple ones like “are you currently in pain?” and the hard ones like “how are you feeling?”.  Questions others ask me, and the questions I ask myself.  “What will I be able to do in 6 months?” “Will I be alive in 6 years?”  I do my research, it’s what I’m trained to do.  I look up the statistics, I interpret results cautiously.  I take into account the anecdotes, but lean into the percentages.  

I said to my therapist yesterday, we are all the protagonist of our own story.  We all want to feel special.  We want to be the exception.  And, to some extent, I have been.  I have an advanced degree, going on percentages, that’s ‘special’.  I’ve received honors that only a small percentage have shared.  There’s probably other characteristics that put me in a minority or that show that sometimes the exception really is the rule.  But, other times, we’re just one of the majority, one of the many, and we can’t rely on storybook plots.

That’s a long preamble and perhaps more deep and/or depressing than needed.  Here’s the long and the short of it:

My most recent scans showed that the benefits of the first 3 months of my infusion chemo (decrease in size and number, per the February CT) have disappeared.  The lung nodules have increased in size (doubling) and number over the last 3 months of the same therapy.  There’s a few minorly suspicious other lymph nodes, yet still no signs of liver involvement and/or progress of the sternal bone metastasis.

So what’s next?  Well, we grab for another straw.  Try a different class (science speak for the way in which a drug works) of chemotherapy (Halavan, more deets later).  It should be similarly tolerated, it’s a 21 day cycle with 2 weeks on and 1 week off.  We’ll rescan in 2-3 months and see if it’s working.  If not, there’s basically one more class of drugs to try before clinical trials (if any exist and I qualify for) become the only real option.  4th line treatment, here I come, just a bit over a year past diagnosis.

The scan was Tuesday.  I saw my doctor yesterday morning.  But it’s been 2 months since my last post.  I really was hoping to be able to say “great results! We’re going down to 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off”.  Last doctor’s appointment, in anticipation of this latest scan, my oncologist and I even talked about remission...I had such a positive response to the first 3 months on Abraxane (side note, I always have to be careful in wording things...my default is to say there was progress...but that means the cancer didn’t progress....it can get confusing, probably why I often default to the more clinical ‘there was a shrinking in size and number’).  Alas, that isn’t the case.  The update is with less than ideal news.  

So that dreaded question of how am I feeling?

Physically, I feel basically the same.  I’m still pretty out of shape, mostly, at least I think, due to the excess weight I’m caring.  I have an occasional soreness in my sternum, or tinge of pain in my arm, a zinger of numbness to my foot or hands.  But overall, well.

Mentally, I feel sad, disappointed (this is why I don’t let myself get hopeful people!), angry, frustrated.  I can sprint through those stages of grief faster than I run in real life, that’s for sure.  It’s that waiting, and those questions.  I had started to make plans further out to the future.  I had pushed back the Africa trip due to COVID, but didn’t question that next summer I’d be able to go (and yes, I still may, but it’s not certain and perhaps even not probable).  I was making plans for my sabbatical.  Plans that even meant spending time on other future pursuits, like writing grants.  And this week I was reminded of the uncertainty of it all, the fragility.  

And yet, despite the shake up of this week, there’s been so much good in the past 2 months.  Among the regular frustrations, there were a lot of really cool things to highlight.  

-The end of Women’s History Month and the Women of UD celebration was really cool.  Yes I did walk to see my face on a building and pose like a dork in front of it.

-My awesome students busted out a TON of research, n=16! In a matter of weeks.

-I spent Easter weekend camping nearby with my dear colleague Diana, one of her adorable children, and then a great family lunch and egg hunt.

-I taught, did recruitment events, did a ton of advising and the normal academic nonsense.

-I participated in our campus Relay for Life.  Many of you were probably some of the SUPER generous donors that helped me/us raise a ton of funds!  I definitely could have posted about this event itself.  Supportive colleagues, steadfast friends by my side.  Getting to connect with the family of the colleague who passed from cancer at the end of last year.  Seeing students come together to support a cause.  It was truly a great night.

  

 

-End of the semester celebrations with my lab crew.  These kids have been a bit of normalcy and a huge support this year (and having Mimi the 4Paws dog as part of the lab never hurts the vibe...)

-Just this week, the day I got scan results reported, a distractingly good time at the Reds game.

-Professionally, I authored a few things related to my diagnosis and how I incorporate it into my teaching.  One, a small professional association blog.  The other, a much bigger deal, an essay in Science magazine.  It just went live yesterday and I’m amazed that I’ve already gotten multiple people from across the globe, that I’ve never met, reaching out with well wishes.  People can suck, don’t get me wrong, but they can also be pretty amazing sometimes.

So what’s next?  A new treatment, yes. But come on, you guys should know me well enough by now to know that’s not all.  I can’t let it be. That’s my fight, my battle (although as I’ve said before and is fairly well established in the literature, that war analogies are terrible as they relate to cancer, and COVID too).  Along with the new treatment, I’ll continue to play tennis, to row on the crew team (novice this year since fitness is low).  Tomorrow, I’ll celebrate my 1 year anniversary with Riley cat.  I’ll volunteer at our in person graduation (woo hoo UD for managing COVID!) on Sunday.  Next week is end of year meetings and then a summer of research, tennis, self-care. Starting to connect with folks now that most are vaccinated (GET YOUR VACCINE PEOPLE.  I CAN’T HELP HAVING CANCER THAT MAY KILL ME BUT YOU CAN PREVENT YOURSELF AND OTHERS FROM POTENTIALLY DYING FROM COVID.  FULL STOP.)  Planning for a few adventures with family and friends, and looking ahead to a year long sabbatical that allows a bit more flexibility as well.  

That’s what’s next.  Trying to not wait.  To Mariekondo life as much as possible, doing the things that spark joy. For the rest?  Thanking it for the joy and/or service it’s provided and moving on. 

Here’s a morning selfie while I write, to show the salt and peppery regrowth (more salt than pepper admittedly).  Despite the waiting, despite the questions, I’ve got to keep smiling!

March Surprises

Well, it's been over a month since last posting and the good news that the chemo is working.  It sure makes going to treatment, shuffling through headscarves in the morning a bit easier to deal with.

I've got about a half an hour before some morning academic advising appointments (it's advising season, my life is sort of consumed by it for the next 3 weeks), so figured I'd share some quick updates, some more surprising than others...

I got my vaccine!  I won't get into the frustration of inconsistent policies by state, inequities in access, etc.  Long story short, one of our major health systems has been having clinics at our basketball arena.  They got a large allotment yesterday.  Word of mouth convinced me to go over and put my name on the 'end of day' list.  Well, better than end of day, about an hour later, I got a call to come in!  First dose in, second one April 7th, Pfizer, arm sore, otherwise no issue.  Bottom line, we need as many people vaccinated as soon as we can, so if you can get it, get it, and help others to do the same.  

Don't worry I filled out my name later...

So many people were concerned and helpful in helping me to get a vaccine.  I think it was pretty much a group effort!

Other surprises, I got the kindest note from a former UD student (not even one of mine! we just crossed paths) about some positive effect I've had on her, at 'needed' times throughout the years.  As the universe would have it, the note came at a time I needed it from her, after a stressful work-related event.  It was a great reminder that we sometimes can't know the influence we have on others, now and in the future.  Thanks for the reminder Elizabeth A.  

Not really a surprise, but we got the winter storm dumping snow a few weeks back, though feels more like spring now!

Beauty of blended learning was that it didn't disrupt the class schedule and it was basically business as usual.  

My buddy Nat told me about the greatest mascot ever, Toasty....I can't wait to visit Colorado Springs and take in a Vibes game.

Serious kudos to that marketing division.

 I may have reached peak multi-tasking the other day, watching honors student symposium presentation, the last Flyer game (not our best season....) and a meeting for work.  God I love technology.  

March is Women's History Month, if you're not aware.  I am super honors to have been selected as one of the Women of UD.  It's a fantastic group of ladies, and I've definitely been boosted by so many other past recipients and males on campus and in my life.  They are profiling us on the Women's Center Instagram Page, Humans of New York style.  I'll include my text story below for those of you not proficient at links :)  There's a virtual celebration next week and it's been a good reflective exercise.  Hasn't totally erased my imposter syndrome but it's nice to be recognized and has given some good feels.  One of the harder, but maybe more fun tasks was picking a theme song...this is what I came up with (thanks for the inspiration EW), I think it's fairly fitting:

Other than those few things, fairly business as usual...work, tennis, hanging, avoiding doing dishes, etc.  Riley and I had a few closet incidents, but I think she's mostly recovered (from being locked there all day, and then from getting her paw crushed, when I was paying more attention to making sure she wasn't inside the closet than near the hinges...)

“There is beauty in multitasking and Zoom meetings. In the middle of March, I was the interim department chair for Health and Sport Science and we were having a sort of emergency leadership team meeting with the other department chairs and the Dean's office about what was going on, and I remember that moment very clearly because it was during that Zoom call that I also got a phone call from my oncologist. The breast cancer that I had been diagnosed with in 2014 had returned and had progressed to stage IV metastatic disease, and he said ‘I'll see you tomorrow to talk about next steps.’ Then, I sat back down and joined the Zoom call again. I had to go in for the testing, and I literally ran a Zoom meeting for my department from my cell phone in the parking lot of the doctor's office, because the meeting was running up right until the time of my appointment. And, I could be in an Executive Committee of the Academic Senate meeting from the waiting room before a bone scan. Even now, I have Friday treatments, and I will be sitting in the chemo chair, with my iPad out listening in on meetings. Last March, I changed treatments: tried something for three months, didn't work; tried something else for three months, still no progress; fortunately, the infusion chemo that I've been on for the past three months actually did show some progress, I just found out. So as much as the pandemic defined the past year for so many of us, for me it's also been a personal health challenge. The idea of resilience, for me, has definitely been multifactorial in the past few months, trying to manage how to be a strong leader and have an impact, and yet also prioritize myself, because I need to. I think there are a lot of parallels to my current metastatic disease and the pandemic in that so much is unknown and so much is ‘we'll see how it goes.’ We can't make plans more than three months out because ‘we have to see what the data looks like,’ and as for my health right now, that's sort of how I have to live my life. 
I’m a scientist and I love data and I like supporting things with facts, and in the past year there has been overwhelming amounts of information. Trying to sort through all of that and make decisions, I think, has been the challenge and to recognize that none of those decisions are made lightly or easily; that we trust that those we work with are taking into consideration various perspectives. Yes, I'm doing my own research on the back end, but at some point you have to trust the people who we've hired to do the jobs, to do them right. I can Google all I want, but at the end of the day, I still rely on my medical team to help me make decisions about my care. I still rely on the University administration to keep the doors open. Sometimes life hits you with big messy complex stuff that really doesn't have a good answer. You can wallow and complain or you can adapt and modify your life to become accustomed to it. That's what we've all had to do the past year, and what I think I’ve tried to help others do. I talk a lot with students, trying to help them understand the challenges of when things are coming at you, that what we're doing in the grand scheme of things is actually what's important. I think that the pandemic has forced people to maybe acknowledge, or to say out loud, a lot of things that we hadn't been saying before. Maybe it's because we're only communicating virtually, and so we have to actually articulate things because the ability to actually connect physically has been taken away. Anytime you're going through a significant health crisis, there's that sense of ‘there's no time to waste,’ and ‘I need to make sure that I say what I want to say.’ That mentality of trying to address the present moment, I think the past year we've all realized, is much easier said than done. But when you strip away the things that you can do outside of the house or the things that you can do at work, you kind of purge down to what's most meaningful and what's most important. Seeing the humanity in people has been so important this past year. Quite frankly, probably one of the bigger things is the idea of grace and humility, and what you're capable of doing and not capable of doing. I’m not one that likes to admit that I'm not capable of doing something, and I am one that generally hesitates to accept and ask for help. But I think having dealt with the health issues, I have learned to accept help and to allow others to help, and to admit when things are overwhelming or I'm overcome by something, and I think that's been really important this past year as well. So, while I don't have any family members here, I definitely would say that I have my UD family that I rely on and that has been critical in helping me get through both the pandemic and different types of health challenges. I’m an alum, and I hope that I live out the ‘Learn, Lead and Serve’ motto of UD in what I do. It's a great community and I feel lucky that I have good relationships with the people who've been honored with this award in the past and on the list this year. I feel fortunate that I know many of them quite well."