About that second opinion...

Yesterday, I had my first appointment with my oncologist since the surgery.  It had been awhile since I had been in that building!  As I've said before, I really like this doc...he's personable, to the point, compassionate, etc.  Pretty much everything I think you could ask for in an oncologist.  And, as I learned today, he's also humble.

The appointment went well, he was pleased with the cosmetic/reconstructive efforts (slightly weird to have the guy say "its going to look really good" about my boobs...), but admitted to being fairly disappointed in the pathology results from the surgery that indicated presence of cancer in the lymph nodes (12/26....over 10 is a bit of a cutoff).  As he explained, while people think chemo is the "big gun", in my case, since the tumor is so estrogen-receptor positive (>95%), the hormone therapy (oral pills to block these receptors) following chemo+surgery is actually the "big gun". 

I asked him if we needed to do any more scans, to "look" for any other metastases/tumor deposits in the rest of my body, but given I don't have any symptoms, was on chemo, had the surgery, etc. he didn't think that was necessary.  He talked a little bit about how many patients feel a bit of separation anxiety at this point, since my next appointment with him would be 4 months later, after making such frequent visits.  Again, I like this guy!

I left the office feeling like things were ok, and despite my high residual burden of disease we were doing what we could.

This morning I got a voicemail to call the doc's cell phone because he wanted to talk to me.  Yikes.  That was my initial thought.

I called, and he very nicely said how he was thinking about me a lot after I left.  He felt like he needed to do some additional research on my type of a case (premenopausal, estrogen positive, lots of residual disease, neoadjuvant chemo, etc).  In doing, he decided to call a colleague at Indiana University who specializes in breast oncology to discuss the case and an alternative approach he had found (an additional drug) that had been shown a few months back to reduce recurrence rates by ~16%.  In their conversation, she brought up a clinical trial that I would qualify for that uses a different drug (IBRANCE, recently got FDA approval for use in postmenopausal women). 

After describing all of this he basically said, "what I'm trying to tell you is that I want you to go see her [the IU doc]".  So, I'm going to.  His office put the referral in and I'm waiting for the IU folks to call and schedule an appointment.  It's about a 2.5 hour drive, so not the most convenient , but she's now familiar with the case, is doing this trial, etc. 

I really respect him personally and professionally for: 1) doing the research to investigate the most current approach; 2) asking for a second professional opinion; and 3) making the referral because he thinks it might help.  If anyone has questioned the quality of care I'm getting here in Dayton, I would hope this convinces you otherwise. 

It was sort of a lot to go through this, then have 2 student meetings, call Mom and debrief, teach, etc.  In the afternoon I had my second fill of the tissue expander (still pain free!) and an appointment at the OT where I learned some stretches to continue to help increase my range of motion. 

When I got home, I found my new spiffy arm sleeve in my mailbox:

Ready to fly!

 

And then I emotionally ate.  Mostly real food (lasagna and mashed potatoes) and only some sweets (girl scout cookies).  At least I tracked it all, as I have been doing with my food intake (really the only way I'm ever successful at weight loss).  Sorry Mom, I know we made a pact to exercise rather than eat the stress but didn't happen tonight.

 

I'm not sure if I was just feeling overwhelmed with the prospect of a trip to Indiana, fitting that in with an already pretty packed March (Mom's next week, friend visiting, big conference at end of month, lots of student projects, etc), or just the reminder that I have freaking advanced stage cancer.  Honestly, I forget sometimes.  Sure, I take my shirts off differently, am nippleless on one side, fill out all my clothes, have doctor's appointments all the time, but really, I don't feel sick.  So sometimes I think I just remember what's actually happening and it can be a little overwhelming.  But, I'm okay with that.  So apparently the new depression drugs are working, because I'm not downward spiraling into the self-hate oblivion.  Hooray pharmaceuticals. 

Other than the not-really-news news, nothing much has happened in the past week or so.  Work is busy, I've been good about getting to the gym (walking, but working out!) and the weather, like everywhere else, kinda sucks.  I'm working at Runners Plus tomorrow and Saturday for the big 50% clearance sale.  Then it's three days, mostly midterms, and then to Phoenix.  I cannot wait.

Progression!

When I write this title, in my head I'm singing it to the tune of "Tradition!" from Fiddler on the Roof.

I'm a weirdo.

That's not new, so here's what is...

Progression is the theme of post, and it's because I have progressed, in nearly all parts of recovery!  I had mentioned to my friend Alexis about my super cool surgical bras I was wearing and she reminded me I hadn't posted any pics of them.  Well, here it is, in it's thick cotton glory...

 

It's a Velcro front and Velcro straps.  While bulky, the ease of getting it on and off was pretty amazing, and I will say that it was pretty comfortable.  While I had my drains it, another helpful piece of apparel was this lovely camisole:

 

 

Again, the heavy cotton leaves something to be desired, but the built in pockets for drains and Velcro front was pretty damn clutch.

 

But I've progressed!  I started with a Moving Comfort sports bra with detachable straps from the running store that was easy to get out and super supportive (aka smooshes the full boob down enough to make the imbalance not very noticeable). 

 

Yesterday I wore a REAL bra for the first time since surgery!  It actually fit ok, but I did purchase a non-underwire since the tissue expander sticks out a little weird on my side.  It's true sometimes, it can be the little things, and being able to wear the normal stuff feels good.  I will say however, I tried to put in a regular racerback bra that required to go on over the head...not my best idea :)

 

Changing topics (men, if you're still with me, congrats!), but I had bedhead this morning!

 

Look at those messy sides! The hair is continuing to fill back in and soon, I may have to "do" something with it.  Unfortunately, there's a lot of grey so may break down and dye it.  Or, I could just rock the silver vixen (is that the equivalent of silver fox?  Is there an equivalent?) look.

 

I was cleared for "exercise" last week by plastics.  I put the quotes because I still can't run/bounce (though I'm so out of shape I wouldn't really want to run..) and can't lift much, but walking, biking etc are all allowed.  To try to take advantage of this time before radiation to get back on track towards a healthier weight, I've been doing well tracking calories and getting some workouts in...

 

4:00 workouts at the college rec center makes for pretty entertaining people watching as well, though I wouldn't necessarily associate that with progress. 

 

I've progressed in my treatment team, adding an occupational therapist/lymphedema specialist.  While I'm not currently struggling with lymphedema, swelling of a part of the body (often arm/leg) resulting essentially from fluid sitting in the tissue rather than circulating back through the lymph system, I'm at increased risk to develop it, given they removed my axillary (armpit) lymph nodes.  Radiation will increase this risk as well.  So I have some lifelong changes to make like being diligent about skin care, avoiding cuts, not taking blood pressure on that arm, having blood drawn, avoiding hot tubs, etc.  In addition, during air travel (woo hoo for an upcoming trip to Phoenix!) and even just while exercise, compression garment can be helpful.  It's pretty cool though, a company Lymphadiva makes sleeves and gauntlets (the gloves) that are pretty stylish, so I've got the ones below on the way!

 

 

Work has been quite busy and I'm grateful I've had the energy to pull some late nights (much to the displeasure of Mom who no longer is here to encourage me to come home!).  I appreciated having a delayed start this morning due to the frigid wind chill to be able to get some work done from home.

 

This afternoon I went to the plastic surgeon for the first of my "fills".  The best way I can describe it is (Caution, sound is NSFW):



 

Kidding.  Sort of.  Basically the doc uses a magnet to find the spot (the expander has a stainless steel backing to the port) and marks it with a marker.  Nurse rubs some iodine to clean.  He fills a big (60 cc, actually just like the movie) with saline and a regular, not jumbo long needle.   It's probably one of the few times I'll be glad that the skin in that area is deadened, but then he inserts the needs and gently injects the saline.  I didn't really feel anything, though the first ones are supposedly less uncomfortable than when you get closer to the end, which makes sense.  It kinda also makes me chest feel a little like these (in honor of #throwbackThursday):

 

So lots of progress in the past week or so.  I see the oncologist next week and I'm anxious to hear whether he wants to do any sort of imaging given that there was cancer in the lymph nodes, despite all the chemo.  It makes me a little concerned that perhaps it could have spread since my original clean scan.  But, I can't really worry about it until I'm told to or have any more information, so I do my best to keep on keeping on. 



 



 



 



Update and Guest Blog

Oh how time flies! Hard to believe it is already over two weeks since the surgery!  Recovery continues to go well.  I got the last drain removed on Thursday, the same day I met with an OT about lymphodema prevention (look good now, just need to wear sleeve while flying, donpreventative exercises, etc and despite my lifelong increased risk, nothing will pop up).  Work continue to keep me busy and I even managed to make it back to a day at th running store today.  

Over the past few weeks I don't know what I would have done without my wonderful Mom so it only seemed fitting than upon her departure yesterday, I ask her to write another guest post.  Here it is, for your reading pleasure...and as a side note, mostly to my sibs, I only had to fix one typo!  Good job mom! :) 

The Wonderful World of Cancer!

 

Before I start two things need to be noted. First, let it be said CANCER SUCKS!  Most everything about it is overwhelming and NO ONE should have to deal with it. Second, I am sure that I will fail to mention something or someone here, so apologies in advance.

I can list all of the up and downs, the technical things, the crazy lectures Anne delivered coming out of anesthesia, so many things that happened over the past couple of weeks while in Dayton “helping Anne”.  Anne did such a great job with most of that I thought I’d share a different point of view.

I headed to Dayton filled with worry and wonder as to what things would be like when I got there. No surprise, things were great.  From the get go all was pretty normal. I put on my PA (personal assistant) hat and ran some errands. Anne was working as usual. Before we could get even Sarah from the airport the outpouring of support started! As we were getting ready for a snack, the doorbell rang and there is a delicious fresh fruit arrangement, soon after friends from work stopped by to wish Anne well and to deliver a delicious dinner along with the message that everyone was pitching in and Anne would have yummy home cooked meals provided for an entire month! More doorbells with more yummy treats, flowers, plants, prayer blankets, care packages filled with treats and games, giftcards for Jimmy Johns, for Starbucks, so many cards, notes and prayers, offers to shovel the driveway!  Again, I’m sure that I am not remembering everything, but you get the point.  The outpouring of love and support was more than amazing! And it just keeps coming, and from so many unexpected people and places.  Yes, Cancer Sucks but seeing the love and support it brings is wonderful!

However, for me even more spectacular than seeing such love and support from everyone else was watching my family pull together. The way that they support each other is so heartwarming, each bringing their own unique light to help brighten this crazy path. And then there is Anne. How wonderful to see the beauty and courage of my daughter.  I keep saying…”If you didn’t know she had cancer her actions would never tell you!”  Her sense of humor, her ability to listen to and react to the overwhelming amount of information is unbelievable. She’s not perfect.  No one is.  But she is really remarkable. She approaches cancer as she does most things, know the facts, make choices and then move forward.  It is amazing to see your child handle things so beautifully. She is amazing! My family is amazing! Our friends and family are amazing! Her coworkers are amazing! 

So, yes, CANCER SUCKS! But seeing such caring and love pour out from so many also makes part of this journey pretty wonderful! I have little doubt that Anne will be one of “the survivors”. In the years to come I hope that I never forget the beauty and love that I saw everyday that I was “helping Anne”!  Thank you everyone for showing me the other side …the Wonderful World of Cancer!

 

 

The Death of Two Alien Babies

In the past week since surgery, I've been lovingly calling the bundle of drains on my belly my "alien babies".  I'm happy? to report the death of two of them today, as they were removed at the plastic surgeons office this afternoon.  May they rest in peace.  It was a lovely ceremony attended by the doc (who surprisingly was in the military...didn't seem the type), a resident, a med student, nurse, my mom, and of course myself.  It was quite simple, just a deep breath and quick tug.  The drains were laid to rest upon a bed of stitches that was removed just prior. 

All else checked out fine with plastics.  I return in a week for the last drain removal, and then the following week foot start the expansion process with saline injections into the tissue expander.

Similar report from the breast surgeon on Tuesdays follow up.  She was pleased with results, and said see you in six months.

I've successfully weaned myself off the narcotic drugs for the most part, just muscle relaxants to help sleep at night.  It's good to have a clear head since I returned to work yesterday.  It was a bit overwhelming with all the well wishes, yet much appreciated.  I didn't have to teach really, just give an exam, so it was a nice way to ease back in.  I was supposed to have two appointments today (had to reschedule the one with the lymphodema therapist because she was sick) so worked a little from home.  I got distracted so we decided to go see a movie...The Most Violent Year...I do not recommend.  

The soreness isn't  too bad, though there are some occasionally stingers that are pretty gnarly.  My range of motion is pretty decent, but my lifting and repetitive motion is still prohibited.  Good thing my personal assistant was here to shovel the driveway this morning!  We're still figuring out her departure date...its quit nice having her here but eventually I need to get back to normal.  

 

Super Bowl Sunday Surgery Summary

Whew.  Well folks, it has been a few days and for that I apologize.  I'll say from the get go, my absence from posting hasn't been from a lack of energy or complications or anything negative like that.  In reality, it's been because despite recovering from surgery I've been "busy" and just haven't gotten to it.  So know from the beginning that things went well, I am doing well, and on my way to recovery.  For those interested in the details...the timeline's below.  I'll apologize in advance for possible lack of flair as at this point, I just want to update everyone, even if it isn't the most entertaining!

Wednesday
~7:40 am Heading to the hospital. 
A lot of people asked how I was feeling, and in reality I was actually pretty excited.  I'm a dork and find medical procedures pretty interesting and despite knowing there would be pain, I was excited to just find out what exactly I was getting myself into.

Figured this was an appropriate outfit...if my brother-in-law Adam can run 100 miles (on multiple occasions), what's a little major surgery??

 

~8:00 AM - Checking In

I had to laugh when the check in lady asked me for payment and said I could pay whatever portion of the ~$1500 bill I wanted...Sarah suggested $0.80 and the lady confirmed that someone did actually give two quarters once, but I opted for a bit more.  We took our pager and sat down (in a corner, knowing that we'd be obnoxiously loud), finding my name on the tracking board and waited.

 

15 min later? Headed to Pre-Op
I was allowed one companion back to pre-op so Mom came back and I was grateful that Andria was there to keep Sarah company in the waiting room.  We headed back with the nurse's assistant, changed into the gown and started the first of many of the pre-op steps.  Initial history questions, lots of "what are you having done today?" which eventually I remembered to include all steps of the procedure (right mastoplexy/lift, removal of port, left mastectomy, left axillary node biopsy and possible dissection) and repeating of my full name and birthdate.  Can't blame them for wanting to make sure I was the right person. 

An IV was started, I peed in a cup for a unnecessary pregnancy test (the same type of cup I drank from later...thanks...), killed time talking with mom, making friends with nurses, etc.  The anesthesiologist came in for his run-down...nothing really out of the ordinary, but a nice guy.  Eventually my breast surgeon came in to check in and give me the radioactive dye to help locate lymph nodes for the biopsy and talk through things.   It was my job to help it diffuse, aka, rub my boob for a bit...last time for some things!

 

Shortly after, it was time to be wheeled away to the OR.  I said my goodbye to Mom (so much for getting a chance to see Sarah and Andria again) and made my way through the halls.  We got to the chilly OR and finally located the nurse anesthetist who was MIA for a bit.  He gave me my versed (pre-general drug..sort of makes you sleepy and forgetful), they transferred me to the operating table and I was out.  Next thing I remember I was waking up in recovery.

 



~2:00pm - In Recovery
I woke up in recovery and understandably don't remember everything.  I do remember at one point eavesdropping on the conversation next to me and the patient asking the nurse if they took her lymph nodes and I then said:

"oh yeah, can you tell me that too?"

Lack of decorum is ok when you're drugged up, right?  The nurse reluctantly was able to tell me that yes, they had done a dissection, but couldn't tell me any more than that.  I'd have to wait till I got to talk with my family and the surgeon.

 

Eventually I was deemed awake enough to move to my room  I'm sure I was a little in and out of it, but seemed pretty with it (at least in my head).

 

~3:00? - In room

The family was anxiously awaiting my arrival and had everything all set up for me.  What troopers they were waiting all that time!

 

Once in the room I was able to get the full report that the surgeons had given to them:

All the procedures went well and as expected.  The first three nodes tested from the biopsy came back positive, and thus she went forward with doing the full dissection of all the nodes.  The plastic surgeon ended up removing the port and even did so from under the skin rather than with a new incision (what he was so happy about that Andria referred to).  The breast surgeon was pleased with her margins on the mastectomy and the plastics guy with his work on the right side. 

 

It was clear from how I felt that much more was done on the left than the right (removing the breast, lifting muscle, placing the expander, etc vs just doing some 'surface work').  I wasn't in too much pain (god damn those stupid numbered pain scales that the nurses have to chart...so annoying) except when trying to move around (which was just difficult to do anyways given I couldn't really use my arms). 

 

Unfortunately I spent a good chunk of the early evening feeling pretty nauseous and vomiting a bit, an unfortunate side effect of the general anesthesia.  The anti-nausea they gave me at first just didn't seem to help much.

 

I also had some trouble going to the bathroom, and after the very competent night nurse realized I didn't have a catheter and consulted with the surgeon, took care of that...

My radioactive (literally!) superwoman urine.

 

 

I ordered food from the restaurant style room service menu and managed to eat a little bit of it.  I spent the rest of the evening in and out of dozing, apparently giving lectures on relevant physiology in my drugged up stupor (told you I was a dork).  

 

A little after 9:00 with different anti-nausea medicine in my system (that thankfully was working) and Mom and Sarah left for the night for me to sleep. 

 

Thursday early AM-

I actually got a pretty restful night's sleep. I woke up a couple times to use the bathroom which I needed help getting up for (mostly also to disconnect/reconnect the compression cuffs on my legs that help prevent blood clots and the electric cord for my IV), and once when she had to take my vitals. 

 

~8:00 AM

I really "woke" up and ordered myself some breakfast.  A quick text to mom to tell her I was awake and they headed over.  It was mostly like a "normal" morning, listening to Mike and Mike! 

 

 

The plastic surgeon had visited before Mom and Sarah got to the hospital and reviewed what had happened, looked at things, etc.  It was the first time I had really seen things, since he removed the large gauze pads. I didn't have as much of a shock feeling as I would have thought and none of the "oh my god I don't have a breast!" reactions that I think so many worry about.  If anything, I saw my right breast and thought "holy shit that's perky" and really thought everything looked pretty good all things considered.  The amount of swelling had gone down considerably since right after surgery and I had already drained a fair amount of fluid.  He was pleased and said he'd sign off of discharge and see me Thursday at my followup.

 

The surgeon came by when Mom and Sarah were there and again was pleased with things, glad that I was semi-mobile (making bathroom trips) and wanted me to take a walk but was otherwise pleased and ready to discharge me as well.  Soon after, I got up to do a few laps:

 

~11:00 AM

It took a little while to get everything situated, get me my surgical garments, and whatnot, but soon I was ready to be discharged!  We phoned in a lunch order to pick up on the way home and we were off.

 

We made it home and it was mostly just resting, keeping pills straight (antibiotics, pain pills, new tamoxifen, etc), and staying comfortable.  They inserted lines to give direct numbing medication into both breasts from this magical pain ball that was stored in a fannypack like pouch.

 

The biggest part of the at-home care is emptying and tracking the fluid from the drains, of which I have a total of three:

These lines also have to be "milked" which I probably find too fun.  The camisoles they gave me and the one that mom got me are great and have little pockets built in to keep these stored in.  It makes me look like a have a bit of an alien baby in my belly but keeps them out of the way. 

 

Had some visitors on Thursday who brought delicious treats and was super excited for the return of ABC TV and less excited about the finale of Parenthood, but it was enjoyable nonetheless.

 

 

Friday

After another surprisingly restful sleep Thursday night, it was my first full day at home on Friday.  I started the day with a shower courtesy of some help from my wonderful sister who I'm now even MORE close to.  We spent the day entertaining ourselves with games

"Cancer (patients) always wins!"

 

accepting the wonderful care packages, flowers, and treats sent my so many wonderful people and providing a lot of updates via text, phone and email.  It cannot be said enough how wonderful you all are!

Is this how you use a prayer blanket? :)

 

I received a phonecall from the surgeon on Friday with the final pathology of the lymph nodes she had removed.  It turned out that 12 of the 26 taken were positive for cancer and the tumor was 4 cm. I could be upset that with all the chemo the tumor wasn't smaller and there weren't less positive nodes.  Instead, I actually feel like the positive nodes just make the radiation seem more worth it and purposeful.  Wahoo for silver linings.

 

More visitors provided some evening entertainment, and after a day full of sporadic naps to keep my energy, it was to bed again. 

 

Saturday

Feeling as good as I had been and after another restful night, I had tentatively planned a bit of an adventure for Saturday.  Despite the nurses and doctors saying I wouldn't feel like doing anything, I was feeling a little bit of cabin fever and truly was also physically feeling pretty good.  I got myself dressed in the morning, handled my own drains, and prepared for a "day" out!

Alien stomach baby wasn't going to stop me!  We went to Runners Plus so I could pick up a paycheck, let Sarah browse and get Mom a VivoSmart.  After that, I had convinced Sarah to look at wedding dresses!  I was way more excited about this than she was

but she was a trooper.  After a few hours out, I was actually feeling pretty tired.  I took a nap when we got home, we got some food and watched my favorite movie from when I was a sick little kid:

Ladybugs!

Thankfully my taste in movies has improved!  I napped through most of it and it actually took about 3 attempts to finish it...that's how good it is...

 











Throughout Saturday though I continued to feel good and improve my movement and ability to get around.  My right side was pretty normal, though decreased greatly in strength. The left/cancer side was slow to move but fairly pain free except for an occasional twinge of hurt.  I could definitely tell when I was getting to the 'end' of my pain killer time frame and in need of another dose, but overall, quite manageable.

 

Sunday (today!)

Another pretty good night's sleep and I awoke to breakfast in bed shared with my lovely caretakers.  We lounged for a bit while I searched for wedding venues and in general just relaxed.  The local pain meds were supposed to last about three days and today it's become clear that was an appropriate estimation!  It's not really an estimation, as I can see that there's no more left, but I can also tell as there is just a dull ache and tightness on the mastectomy side that didn't used to be there.

 

Sarah had to head to the airport a bit before noon.  Thanks to American Airlines for her no-cost change to fly through Dallas instead of Chicago due to the weather...Chicago flights ended up being cancelled so we made the right call with that!  It was sad to see her go, and while at first I wasn't sure I needed anyone but my mom here, I'm so glad there was a second person to help out, listen, and even just stay awake while I was dozed off!  She was an awesome nurse.

 

The rest of the day I did a bit more of the work I had been putting off (I do have an out-of-office vacation reply set up on my email, but I'm not very good at not checking it...but there's been so many kind notes, I don't think I'd want to ignore it).  After more fun facetiming with family (another silver lining of surgery, getting to see the family, even virtually, more often!), a quick nap, it brings me to posting this likely overly long post. 

 

Moving forward, I'll still stay home from work tomorrow and Tuesday but will likely return at least for part of the day on Wednesday.  I have followup with surgeon on Tuesday where hopefully she'll take out the pain pump lines and also refer me to the lymphedema specialist so I can learn about best practices for avoiding that.  Thursday is followup with plastic when hopefully at least 2 of three drains come out.  My mom will stay at least through those and then we'll see.  While I'm on the Percocet pain meds, I'm not supposed to drive, so it's definitely good she's here for that also.  I have food planned for a month thanks to the general support team here, and others just at the ready to help out.  It's really quite amazing to see all this support once again, from friends, family, friends of family, students, colleagues, etc. 

 

I'm happy to answer any questions this didn't, just ask.  Bottom line is, one more step in the right direction that again I couldn't have done without the support and love of so many!





 



Guest Post: From the Outside Looking In

From my wonderful friend Andria who came down Wednesday from Columbus for the big surgery day:

For once, I didn’t hit snooze on my usual 5am wake alarm. Instead of going to the clinic today to take care of strangers, I am off to Dayton for Anne’s surgery. Today is the big day, and I want to be there. We get there and check in, and they give us a shockingly loud beeper…feels like being at the worst rest 
aurant ever (and one that stops serving coffee midday…really, KMC, really?). 

 

Checking in for surgery

 

Once they take Anne and her mom back, Anne’s sister Sarah and I hang out, wondering when the beeper will go off so we can say good luck to Anne. We secretly plan Sarah’s wedding and a few texts come through (including “the last photo” of Anne’s boobs. Nice, Anne, nice).  Eventually, Mrs. Crecelius comes out and Anne is off! Stupid beeper never went off…

 

Start the barrage of texts and emails from Anne’s well-wishers. So many friends and colleagues and family members, so many messages! I was on phone duty to update everyone, and burst out laughing when this alarm went off on Anne’s phone:

 

As usual, the Crecelii are prepared with snacks and trivia (I know nothing of US geography or sports, but everything about unpronounceable foreign or scientific things). This is much better than staring at the tracking monitor for four hours! Next, we start talking about love languages. I wasn’t surprised to hear from Sarah that mine is “acts of service”.  Anyone who knows me can easily figure out that my stress response is to cook and clean and try to help by physically doing things. But overall, I just want to fix things. I get OCD at home to make things calm and in control, and at work because I don’t want people to be sick or suffer, so I try incessantly to fix it all! I am learning to let go and be less of a perfectionist, and try to realize that I have a piece in the puzzle and that I can only do my part. But in times of stress, I revert to panic mode and cook everything!! I mean, try and fix everything…

 And now we wait. No one likes to wait, because all you can do is imagine what they are doing to Anne.  For those of you that do not know me, I am in the medical field and not squeamish at all. During residency, for rare lunch breaks, I would take my food down and watch my favorite attendings operate from the gallery and happily watch interesting/nasty things while I ate. It is different when someone you know is in there. You don’t want to think of all the things that should happen and can happen and think of a loved one all hooked up and helpless. Time to start planning a new menu or what cleaner scent to buy next…perhaps grapefruit…la ti da…

 Surgeon number one is finished, on to surgery number two. Should I go in the room and hear what she is saying? Should I give them privacy? Anne’s mom generously invites me in, pointing out that Anne will blog about it anyways. I try to keep quiet but have a million questions. I know how this goes from the other end of things, and I try to ask leading questions so she will be more forthcoming with her words. She is a brick wall. Darn, back to panic mode and then waiting again. 

I grab Anne’s prescriptions and take a walk, letting Sarah and her mom have some time alone while I process and desperately try to remember details of my anatomy modules of the lymphatics.  Surgeon number two comes out to say hi and how proud of himself he is for piecing back together my dear friend like Humpty Dumpty. Thanks, dude…we aren’t as excited as you are, but thanks. Do you want a gold star?

Finally! The moment we have been waiting for! Anne is out of recovery and we run to the gift shop like crazy people. Of course we find the MOST obnoxiously cute and gigantic balloon flower. Who doesn’t want a five foot tall Super Mario flower to cheer them up?

 

Like any good mother, Mrs. Crecelius sets up Anne’s slippers and purse, puts her iPad within arm’s reach, and plugs in her phone. Waiting again…this time wondering how long until they kick us out for our ridiculous commentary. Anne comes down the hall like a hero, already asking questions and quizzing the nursing staff. I wouldn’t be surprised if she asked for a video of the procedure. Oh wait, she already did before the day even started.

 

She is already planning her next lecture when she sees this hanging on her IV stand:

 

Time to leave Anne to rest, find coffee, and for the lonely drive back to Columbus...

Well, the big day is over, but this new phase of healing from surgery and starting new types of treatment is just beginning.  As I drive home, I feel less panicked. Normally, I would be sneaking into her house to scrub the bathrooms or wash the dishes, but after today, I get it. We each play a part, and we each are here for Anne. I am not her mom or her sisters or Marc, but I am Andria, and I can do something. I don’t have to do everything (as much as I would like to try), nor should I. I don’t want to replace anyone, because each person is here for a reason. Each text she gets, each email, every good luck photo, and each card or package in the mail plays a part. We all are here, always, and we all love her.  I can hang out, lament weird plot twists on tv shows, go on Ben & Jerry runs, pour over details of her MRI’s with her, wash a couple dishes, and drop off a lasagna or two. But mostly I can watch with awe as Anne Renee Crecelius beats cancer like a champ, and try to hang on for the ride.