I’ve been watching the olympics, as I’m sure you all have too. I will always be in awe of the balance beam. The skill, strength, precision, and ability to block out the risk just makes this event so amazing to watch.
Balance also happens to be my mom’s favorite word and favorite concept. I’ve got gifts with the word on it, I used it as a theme for the latest science-audience post I wrote about my cancer and teaching, and as a high schooler I wrote about how the balance of the universe and conservation of mass was my favorite concept.
So this post will have balance. Good, and bad. Smiles and tears. Highs and lows. I’d rather end on a high note, so let’s start with the downside.
Two weeks ago, I went in for a CT scan, my ‘routine’ after 3 rounds of a treatment to see whether the cancer had grown, stabilized, or shrunk. 2/3 options would be “good news”. But, you know, I like to be special, and I always expect the worse, and my expectations were met. The cancer grew. My lung nodules got bigger, almost doubling in size, despite the infusion chemo of Halavan I had been getting 2/3 weeks for the past 3 months.
So that sucks.
Another bullet shot out of the gun.
Another drug crossed off the list.
Shit news. That I actually read on the toilet! Haha, I couldn’t wait to get back to my office after seeing the MyChart notification. Oh the instant-always connected world we live in!
I texted my family, met up with a friend for lunch and then had to prepare a presentation I gave that afternoon. Sometimes you just got to fake it till you make it, put on a smile and get shit done.
I wouldn’t be seeing my doctor until till Friday. So of course, as per usual, I spent the next couple days rereading clinical treatment guidance, scientific studies, my previous tumor genetic reports, etc.
When I saw my doc, we wallowed in mutual dissatisfaction and then got to talking about potential next steps. I really respect him and his process and he said he wasn’t ready to make a decision, wanted to consult the breast specialist from Indiana University I previously saw, check with a radiologist on the read of the CT. That was great, because I told him I wasn’t going to change my plans for the next 2 weeks of travel and fun.
The next week, he called with a plan. There’s a clinical trial that would be good to try, but enrollment is currently paused for a few months. So instead, we will continue going down the list of traditional therapies and move on to a new infusion chemo drug, Doxil. This drug is similar to what I had upon my first diagnosis ~6 years ago. But, since then, they’ve improved the delivery of it, so side effects are less. I might even get to keep my hair! The nice thing is it’s only a once a month infusion, so hopefully scheduling won’t be too terrible or interfere with already made plans. It isn’t a drug I can stay on long-term though, as it is cardiotoxic (bad for the heart). Hence, I have a heart echo scheduled for when I get back into town.
So yeah. Not great news. Getting worse, not better. One more option gone. But some options ahead perhaps. We may eventually need to re-biopsy the lung to confirm the exact tumor type, which could also open more options potentially (some drugs only for some tumor types).
But the good news! The balance!
After getting the shit news and discussing with my doc, it was only 2 days later that I got to pick up my sister and niece and head to Cedar Point. We spent Monday chilling on the beach till it was time to pick up my nephew who flew in also.
A dinner of “amusement park” style Hibachi to celebrate his arrival capped off the night. Tuesday was a super full day of fun at the park. Thankfully, more rides accommodated larger riders, so I rode a bunch and had a great time.
We stayed that night as well, driving back to Dayton the next day. Unfortunately, a nasty head cold made its rounds through my nephew, niece and I, so the next few days were pretty chill. My sister left Thursday early to go prepare the Colorado ranch for the family’s arrival. My niece, nephew and I checked out the Air Force Museum (so cool, and my nephew’s knowledge of history is amazing), ordered food, and were nice enough to accompany me to campus for my student’s presentation.
We Top Golfed on the way to the airport and had a pretty seamless travel out west. Destination: Grand Junction then up the Monument to the Dirty Boot!
It had been since Christmas 2019 the whole family had gotten together (#thanksCOVID) so I was super excited to spend some time with everyone! And, I love the physical place there. It feels like home, and the desert and mountains just make me smile, even in shit times. The whole clan is 14 strong, with 3 teens, 3 little kids, 3 couples, mom and me. We were the last to arrive and the whole house was asleep, but the next day we began a few days of fun.
Hiking, cooking, olympics watching, a gorgeous lake day (had it all to ourselves!), dance parties, birthday celebrations, games, tacos, dinosaurs, watching thunderstorms, and some planning for this Christmas when we will all hopefully be together again.
I was able to enjoy it all, and often forgot about the cancer, the treatments, etc. But it doesn’t go away. It impacts future plans. It makes it harder to opt for the active option of daily activities. And, combined with the massive head cold/cough, it makes for some serious hacking up of lungs at times. I only got a little sad when I had to say my goodbyes last night. I would be leaving for the airport to catch a 6:30 flight before anyone would be awake, so had to give hugs and goodbyes and then pack and head to bed. With family, I know that if/when things turn downhill, I probably will see them all again, but now there’s always that “is this the last time” worry. In this case, is this the last time that our family time will be like this? Easy, without my cancer causing much interruption. But worrying doesn’t do much good. So as I sit here in Salt Lake City waiting for my flight back to Ohio, I won’t worry. I’ll watch Below Deck (I love my trash TV), people watch, write this overdue post, and move on. In this particular case, I’m moving on to another trip tomorrow, to Lake Placid for work, doing concussion testing post injury at a big rugby tournament (with some fun mixed in).
The break in treatments has been kind of nice. I can’t say I feel that much stronger, better, less fatigued…even though it’s been like a 3 week vacation. But mentally, it’s been nice to not have the appointments. I’m actually looking forward to having my new treatment schedule, which I should get next week when I’m back.
As always, thanks for the good thoughts. Keep on keeping on.
