I had a regularly scheduled follow-up with the oncologist. As he said "other than it looking like someone poured acid down your chest, you're doing great". Um, thanks?
The medical assistant was completing my medical release for the First Descent trip in September which was nice to see. Also nice to see this response:
Patient in Remission? Yes.
So that's cool. After that appointment, I got my third anti-hormone shot (ooo...exciting...other butt cheek!). After, I went to the fancy grocery store with the delicious bakery (mmm...killer brownies...) to pick up some treats to give the radiation techs later. Figured I could get way more for the money than with an pre-bought fruit basket. After, it was to campus for some fac/staff wellness yoga (I'll have to post on that later...it's a different sort of practice than I've ever really done...). Home for lunch then off for my last radiation treatment.
I couldn't help but smile a little when they called me back. The techs were really appreciative of my thank you (the one even said she texted her husband...apparently she's a big fan of the cookies I included). It's an interesting relationship that I built with these people. I pretty much had three, two girls and a guy, one girl a little more than the other. The whole process is pretty quick and we fell into a fairly regular routine. Normal pleasantries were exchanged when I'd arrive. Then, as I'd lay there and they would align me (mind you I'm half exposed at this point), we'd tend to chit chat a little bit. I'd find out random things (ex, the guy has kids, lives in Cincinnati, turned on his A/C when it was hot, is from Wisconsin and once worked selling shoes at Macy's), sometimes talk about whether I had biked or not, what was going on at school etc. Thing is, their job is to go pretty quickly, so these conversations only lasted a few minutes. But there were thirty-three few minute conversations. So...yeah, I grew pretty comfortable and familiar with these folks. Still, when they gave hugs afterwards, it's still a little awkward to be in a hospital gown hugging the people that have seen you half naked for the past 6+ weeks. They gave me this hilarious (in my mind) certificate:
As I was leaving, it was nice to know that I wouldn't be routinely returning at least for some time. Monthly shots, sure. Follow-ups, yes. But real, steady treatment, hopefully not.
Semi-emotional interlude. I'm happy to be done. It's been a long and interesting 9 months. Probably the most body-changing, life-impacting 9 months I'll have (especially considering I very well may never be able to conceive a child and go through a pregnancy). So, yes, being done feels "good". But it can also be a little scary. The thought of "when will it come back?" is pretty near the front of my mind. And yes, I realize that statement could be an "if" rather than a "when", but I feel like some preparation for what might happy is warranted. Like the surgeon said, she hopes I don't go off and get a pink ribbon tattoo because when people do, and find themselves back in the office a few years later, that permanent reminder of that last time only annoys. So while I'm happy, and I've celebrated (more on that in a bit), I'm not going too crazy. And, because the radiation went so well, and didn't seem that hard, it sort of feels like a modest celebration is all that is warranted.
So it was 2:30 and I was done. I felt like treating myself, which for me usually means food (no wonder I have weight issues!), but I didn't have my wallet with me so headed home. I decided to walk to the nearby bakery where I got a "worth it" cupcake and pretty decent cookie:
Buckeye style...mmmmmm...peanut butter. And that was pretty much it. I spent the rest of the afternoon/evening basically lounging and thinking about it all.
Today, I worked with students all morning and then enjoyed lunch (courtesy of my generous colleague in celebration) at the Mexican restaurant years-in-development near campus with the work friends. After, my overly generous mom had sent my a spa gift certificate so I decided to have a much more enjoyable 2 o'clock appointment and get a pedicure.
That's a little bit of color WU crew! I think it was called "Clay" :) The spa is super posh and fancy, not my total comfort zone, but enjoyable none the less! I go back tomorrow for my massage. There are some special concerns/considerations with massage now given the lymph node removal and recent radiation treatment. Mostly, he can't work the tender areas and can't use hard pressure on the side with node removal. Shouldn't be a problem as I'm really looking forward to some leg/hip/low back work. Getting back into the swing of working out comes with a few aches and pains!
After the fancy treatment, I shopped a little, which didn't do much to lift my spirits (clothes being expensive, not fitting well, etc.). May just have to keep rocking the workout pants and a couple pairs of jeans that fit this summer! While I was letting my toes dry, I decided to use the rest of the movie gift card my mom had given me (she spoils me...she knows it, I know it, we're ok with it) to buy a ticket to see Tomorrowland. Looks like reviews are a little mixed, but I enjoyed it. Feels a little bit maybe like the young adult version of Wall-E in some ways. I won't spoil it for people, but there's a bit of a "lesson" in it, and one that hit me pretty hard. And if Disney wants to try to use it's power and influence for good, I'm ok with that.
If we're Facebook friend you may have seen I shared a couple TED talks by Brene Brown, a researcher on shame and vulnerability. I read her book Daring Greatly a couple days ago (literally in a night + a little bit...so much time when you don't get sucked into binge Netflixing!). Yes, it's self-help, and I know that's not everyone's thing, but I really enjoyed it and liked a lot of what she had to say. It made me think a lot also about the whole "journey" of the past nine months. I've probably been more vulnerable on this blog than I even realize. And, I think that has helped me fight, or enter the arena as she might say. I also think in general, the cancer has forced vulnerability upon me. It took away any invincibility I thought I might have had (and I didn't think I had that much to start). And with that came courage and strength.
Another concept in the book, talks, and other self-help/psychology type readings (yes, I've read a few, and discussed them with therapists I've seen, and yes that is plural) is the idea of gratitude. A lot can be said for the simple act of recognizing that which you are grateful for. As my one shrink said, even if it's something as small and seemingly insignificant as being thankful that someone painted the yellow stripes down the middle of the road so that cars don't run into each other, we can always find something to be grateful for. To list my gratitudes here would take up far too many lines, but I'll simply put this as another "Lesson Learned".
Be more grateful.
This is an emotion you can't get enough of. It's the best kind of uncomfortable to have an overwhelming sense of gratitude. It's happened many times towards great people, opportunities, and moments that this cancer brought upon you.
So I'm done. I don't think I'll be done with this blog. There's still things to come...last reconstruction, clinical trials, follow-ups, etc. So you're not done with me just yet :)
As I was waiting to be seen on Thursday, I overheard (thin walls!) the exam room next to mine. Combined with listening to the NP and docs dictations, I could piece the story together pretty well. Diagnosed in 2009 (if I'm remembering right) with stage III breast cancer (like mine), at her yearly check-in. All's well. There was real joy in the voices of her, her husband, and the doc to see one another and have nothing much to talk about other than what was new in life. That's one appointment I will look forward to.
