Bertha's Demise and Taxing Taxol

Had my standard follow-up yesterday and am HAPPY to report that Bertha is shrinking!!!  Lost a cm or two on her girth so that's a great sign.  Oncologist was pleased, as I am.  It isn't standard practice to "restage" at this point, but given the lymph node swelling has subsiding and we're under 5 cm now, I'd likely be Stage II rather than III where I started, so that's great news.

The follow-up came after a long and busy week at work...among other things, it's advising season! 

It really is one of the more rewarding parts of my job.  I get to sit with students one on one, ask how they are doing, academically, living situations (usually just the freshmen), where they are from, talk future careers, etc.  It definitely takes up a chunk of time (~30 this week, 15-30 min appointments), but it is sort of fun.  Last year I always questioned "Who am I to provide this advice?!" but I've realized that even 5-6 years of life experience provides a lot of talking points (not that I generally lack those anyways....).  And, given the current health situation, the idea of "dealing what life throws at you" is fairly front and center for me and therefore for my students as well.  If only life was as easy as twisting a spinner (that never worked), and moving every so nicely along a board...

MN Friends, this is the old-school version I played...I guess there was a vocation track. 

Sidenote: these listed salaries of a Doctor makes $50K screwed up my worldview for a long time.

 



So now on to the events of the morning!  Today was the first day of the next "round" of treatments, Taxol.  This drug can have some infusion side effects, so in my pre-drug cocktail, I get the same steroid I got previously and also a dose of Benedryl (standard, similar to taking a pill but in IV form). 

Accompanying me to the appointment was UD roommate Andria, down from Columbus for the morning.  She's been around throughout a lot of this and I'm super grateful.  She is also OCD so takes very good care of me :)  Case in point, 2 weeks ago when Lynn was here and Andria visited, she had the sniffles so insisted on "wearing a mask" the whole time she was here. 

I had to crop this to zoom in because it was taken from the requisite 15 feet away.

 



So after the pre-drugs, Deena the nurse started the Taxol and warned me of the potential reactions and that we should notify her immediately if they happened.  Whelp, about 5 minutes into the infusion, a lump/tightness in the throat started and I began to feel pretty warm in the face...didn't quite get a chance to take a picture of it but I was pretty red : )

Since it's a normal reaction, the protocol went along pretty efficiently...stop the drug, give steroids quickly, monitor vitals.  The flushing subsided easily enough. 

What made me a little special was the other reaction I had...of severe chills/shivering.  The teeth chattering kind of chills, that didn't go away even with two heated blankets and my quilt.  So after some discussion with nurses and on-call docs (since this isn't a common response to this drugs, though can happen with other drugs) she gave me some Demerol (meperidine) to help with the 'rigor'/shaking. 

No offense to any medical professionals, but it was pretty hilarious because when I asked how it worked to reduce shivering she was clueless.  Had I not been tired and feeling the drowsy side effects of both the Demerol and the benedryl I would have done some investigation at the time.  Instead, I took a monster nap throughout the rest of treatment. In my research since then, I don't blame Deena as it seems like a lot of medical professionals probably wouldn't have been able to get an answer.  This happens a lot...and as a physiologist it drives me a little crazy!  Typically the Demerol is used in post-operative shivering, and the mechanism of action of this opiod isn't even really that well understood in terms of its impact on thermoregulation (big girl science word for temperature regulation of the body).  I won't go into details because no one wants to hear it, but some cool autonomic and hypothalamic physiology going on.  Yes, these are the things I think about. 

Another perfect card that's worth sharing!

Napping through treatment was pretty awesome...sort of like sleeping on a plane.  Wake up and it's through!  Andria and I went to lunch after then met with the work ladies to "check in" and discuss a little business over coffee. 

Took another nap this afternoon, more "tired" than "fatigued"...could be due to the drugs and I have been getting less sleep lately.  I don't set an alarm on most mornings, but now waking up at 7 or so instead of 8/9 when I go to bed at 10/11.  Otherwise though, I'm happy to report I feel good!  The Taxol shouldn't cause nausea and hasn't yet (fingers crossed), and no headaches or any other persistent side effects.  One that I'll be on the lookout for is numbness/tingling in the fingers/toes.  Typically if it occurs it'll go away in a day or so.  My follow-up schedule with the doc is extended a bit now so I only go every three weeks versus every two.  Which, given I now have treatment every week, will help with time management a bit.

Hoping the good feelings continue!  Work at the store tomorrow (and sorry Eric if you're reading this but I hope we're slow as I have a ton of grading to do), going-away party for a friend tomorrow night (sad to see him go for sure!), and a training session at store Sunday morning then more grading and work.  Probably some World Series and football thrown in, and probably should clean a bit more before Mom comes Wednesday!

One down...eleven to go!!

Cancer Cinema-thon

I like movies.  I always have.  Perhaps it's because I grew up in a movie-watching family...rentals, the occasional illegal dubbing on our full-size VHS camcorder, occasionally HBO and/or Cinemax subscriptions, and "going to the movies" as an occasional weekend activity.  To this day, I gladly will go to a movie myself, own too many now seemingly irrelevant DVDs (thanks college Columbia House subscription...), have given RedBox way too many 'extra' day charges, and thanks to Netflix have seen a lot of terrible movies.  So, on this weekend of being alone and with no company, something I was sort of looking forward to, I did something that I don't know if my past visitors would have approved of...I had a cancer-thon.

Thanks to the internet (Google search: best cancer movies), I was able to supplement my current knowledge with a few movies I didn't know about.  They all ended up vary-ing in how "cancer-y" they are, which was fine by me. Some old, some new, lots of dying, but lots of surviving as well.  Warning: Spoilers ahead.

Here's the weekend in review:

Movie: 50/50
Year: 2011
Starring: Joseph Gordon Levitt, Seth Rogen (Anna Kendrick, Ron Howard's daughter)
Watched: Friday night, Amazon Rental (finished Saturday at work)
Synopsis: Youngish Seattle hipster gets spinal cancer, deals with his best friend, girlfriend, mom, therapist.  He lives.
Cancer-y Level: 8/10
Thoughts: This one was actually recommended by a guy I work with at Runners Plus who has gone through his own cancer battles.  After I started it, I realized that I had seen it before (no surprise...I have friends that kind of hate RedBoxing with me because I've "seen everything", I'm thinking of you Lex). I see why he did...it's good.  A nice mix of comedy, drama, and actually fairly realistic (based on my experience) of the cancer-experience.  Plus, I sort of want to marry Seth Rogen, and despite an early hatred, Anna Kendrick has grown on me.  I started the weekend on a high note with this one.

Movie: The Fault in Our Stars
Year: 2014
Starring: Shailene Woodley, Ansel Elgott, (blonde chick from Jurassic Park, Willem DaFoe)
Watched: Saturday night, Amazon Rental
Synopsis: As if you didn't already know, girl with cancer (thyroid, metastasized to lung) meets boy with cancer (bone).  Girl falls in love with boy (boy probably started it).  Boy dies.
Cancer-y Level: 8/10
Thoughts: This was an inevitable one.  I hadn't read the book, and somehow missed this one in the theater.  I'm not a huge Shailene fan (despite starring in one of my favorite ABC Family indulgences, Secret Life of the American Teenager), but found her to play the character well in this one.  Kids with cancer tends to be more sad than adults with cancer (as I'd soon really find out), but I liked both of these kids' attitudes towards it.  Horribly unrealistic, and I thought a lot was lost with the handwritten popup texts (reminded me of Teen Mom, speaking of TV indulgences), but overall a decent flick.  I'm not going out and getting tattoos of any of the lines (like some people apparently have).  I cried, but I cried in nearly all that I watched, sort of part of the purpose of me watching.  This was the only "current" movie of the weekend though, so it felt real in that sense (iPhones vs flip phones or lack of cell phones in general).  However, not sure how those kids managed to get at home chemo!  #jealous

Movie: My Sister's Keeper
Year: 2009
Starring: Abigail Breslin, Cameron Diaz, (Alec Baldwin, the dark haired guy from Sleepers)
Watched: Saturday night, Amazon Rental
Synopsis: Girl has leukemia.  Parents create little sister to be able to donate blood, bone marrow, etc.  Girl then sues parents, but yeah, spoiler...maybe she isn't doing it for the reasons you think!
Cancer-y Level: 9.5/10
Thoughts: This one won for the most cry-inducing of the weekend.  Was an interesting story, again, some comic relief but mostly just a heart-warming story.  It's based off the Jodi Piccult book, which is definitely in the beach read genre, though I'm not sure this would be a relaxing read.  By this time in the weekend I realized that some of the realities of cancer (i.e. bills) are not really cinema material. Apparently an LA fireman's salary and former legal work affords years of treatment, IVF, huge house, nice cars, etc.   Guess that's why it's a movie.  Abigail Breslin is a pretty crazy talents young actress in this one and it includes the song that although cliche, I could see playing as a first-dance wedding song one day.  There was also a bit of life story between the cancer ridden sister and another cancer patient (who dies).  So the young love theme ran strong for these ones...which yes, maybe made me feel lonely and like I wanted a fellow cancer patient to fall in love with.  However, given that the guy died in both, no thanks.

Movie: Stepmom
Year: 1998
Starring: Julia Roberts, Susan Sarandon, Ed Harris (Jena Malone and Liam Aiken as the kids)
Watched: Saturday night, Amazon Rental
Synopsis: Sarandon has cancer (breast?  do they ever really say?) and tries to learn to let the new stepmom take care of the kids.  She dies (presumably).
Cancer-y Level: 6/10
Thoughts: Another predictable one on the list, and one I definitely had seen multiple times before.  This started a less cancer-y trend...it's there.  There are some scans shown, some doctor's appointments, but the cancer is really just a vehicle of sorts for the story, it isn't THE story.  Even the IMDB synopsis just states "terminally ill" rather than cancer patient.  Apparently, Julia Roberts has been in a few cancer flicks, though this was the only one on my list for the weekend.  Anyways, you've probably seen this one so I won't comment too much, other than, if you don't get a little choked up at the end when the dying mom says "Now one with the whole family...Isabelle?" during the Christmas picture shoot, you have no soul.

Movie: Love Story
Year: 1970
Starring: Ali MacGraw, Ryan O'Neal
Watched: Sunday Morning, Netflix
Synopsis: Rich boy meets poor girl in college.  They fall in love, he separates from family, she gets sick and dies.
Cancer-y Level: 3/10
Thoughts: This is a classic movie but I don't think I ever saw it.  The soundtrack is more than familiar as I or someone in my family had a music box that played it and I think we also had the sheet music for the piano.  Regardless, the love story themes of Saturday night sparked my interest in this.  Given that it was over 40 years ago, there were definitely some differences on the medical side.  For one, they never say the words cancer, it's really just presumed that it's leukemia that afflicts Jenny.  The general life differences also (the doctor told her husband of her diagnosis and not her...um, ok) were apparent.  So low on the cancer scale, high on the drama.  It's really simple really, and I think in a way, that does make it great.  There's the romance, the family bonds, etc.  Simple yet complete.  The line "Love means never having to say you're sorry" is pretty great.

Movie: Terms of Endearment
Year: 1983
Starring: Shirley MacLaine, Debra Winger (Jack Nicholson, Jeff Daniels, John Lithgow)
Watched: Sunday Morning, Netflix
Synopsis: Mother/Daughter story.  Daughter has sort of troubled marriage, mother falls in love with boy next door.  Eventually mother discovers lump in lymph node and has cancer (can't remember what kind, or even if they say).
Cancer-y Level: 4/10
Thoughts: Another classic that I'm pretty sure I've never seen but know the soundtrack too (someone definitely played this one on the piano...although maybe it was the one from St.Elmo's Fire, they are really similar ).  When reading the title, I always just think of playing Scattergories with my family and having to ask "what does 'terms of endearment' mean?" "honey, sweetie, baby".  Watched this one while finally cleaning so wasn't super into it.  Again, crossover themes with over movies (the over-protective mother, distant father...god social norms are hilarious) and clearly talented actors.  The cancer doesn't crop up till pretty far along in the movie and again, takes a back seat overall.

Movie: Sweet November
Year: 2001 (sidenote...fun part of looking things up on IMDB, realizing how many movies are remakes...like this one of a 1968 film)
Starring: Keanu Reeves, Charlize Theron (the boy from Stepmom, the jerk from Ally McBeal, Jason Isaacs from Harry Potter and the Patriot)
Watched: Sunday, Amazon
Synopsis: He's a career driven guy, she's a free spirited girl.  She convinces him to live with her for a month to "fix" him.  Surprise, she has cancer and dies.
Cancer-y Level: 4/10
Thoughts: I've seen this one before too, but never really paid too much attention to the cancer parts.  I'm not sure why she has so many medications to be honest...seems like a bit of a hoarder to me.  Anyways, another love story that uses the sickness as a backdrop.  And man, a proposal after like 2 weeks of knowing someone! WTF.  But this whole movie is pretty ridiculously unrealistic, so you know, whatever.  I'm sad I paid the $2.99 rental on Amazon on this one...felt like pretty much every other romance movie I subject myself to on Netflix.

Movie: Life as a House
Year: 2001
Starring: Kevin Kline, Hayden Christensen (the English Patient lady, the girl from Stepmom, Mary Steenbergen)
Watched: Sunday, Amazon
Synopsis: Divorced guy loses his job, finds out he has terminal cancer.  Tries to reconcile with his troubled son and ex-wife.  Builds a house for the summer. Additional characters in the mom and daughter who live next door.
Cancer-y Level: 4/10
Thoughts: Pretty sure I actually had to watch this in college in English class...  Again, another family story with the disease really just providing a beginning (diagnosis), middle (when he tells people) and end (dying in the hospital).  The troubled youth (who pimps himself out and somehow that goes largely undiscussed, even when he ends up using his pants down in a car experience as blackmail against the angry neighbor) who ends of finding his way, broken family reunited, etc.  Nice thing about this one...lots of pretty ocean and sunset views, and after many years of obsessive HGTV watching, I was especially interested in some of the architectural details of the house they build.

There you go...eight "cancer" movies.  I also ordered a DVD ($5) of Wit a TV movie that was on a few of the "Best of" lists I consulted.  So what did my half-day's worth of movie watching do for me?  One, it helped me cry.  Seriously, I needed to, and it did, and that was great.  Two, while at times it made me sad (missing my dad, feeling lonely being single, being away from family, etc), most also just made me truly appreciative of the functional and fully supportive network of friends and family that I have.

Mostly, these movies all did what I usually look for movies to do...they provided an escape.  I was able to get some work done on Sunday, relax on Saturday (after getting work done and working at the store all Saturday morning), and take a trip back in time to the 70's, 80's, and 90's.  It didn't feel like torture, and that's probably because as much as this cancer sucks, I'm not dying...I'm not figuring out what to do with my kids, or how to tell the love of my life, and I'm not a teenager.   In a way, these movies helped me remember that, and that's a good thing.

A day of chosen rather than forced relaxing and binge watching (and cleaning, and baking (apple crisp!) and avoiding 'real work' but doing some) also felt really normal, and given that life hasn't been that normal lately, it was a welcome change.

Also, I think we should start a new game of Six Steps to Cancer a la Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon since there are a number of crossover characters in these movies...any takers? :)

Last Free Friday!

As the title says, it's my last free Friday.  Starting next week, I'm in for my weekly (ugh) treatments.  Supposed to be easier, blah blah blah.  Whatever.  It's a standing commitment that already feels like a chore.  But I'm making it work.

Booked a ticket to Phoenix for Thanksgiving where the whole family will be gathering, so that's exciting!  It sucks that I have to come back in time for treatment Friday so it has to be a short trip, but something is better than nothing and I can't wait to meet Alice and see everyone else.  It's been too long since I've gotten to hug the kiddos!

This week was crazy busy at work...lots of meetings due to advising, tests, class projects, etc.  All things that I enjoy but that take lots of time.  BUT, happy to report that I was feeling good and actually bounced back relatively quickly from treatment and was in decent shape on Monday (other than totally spacing that I was giving my students a quiz...when I said that maybe since I was through my first round of chemo my spaciness would improve, they clapped, it was kinda cute).  Next week will be more of the same crazy busy, but I enjoy it.

There's been a few more random "tellings" I've had to do...I probably owe it to people to be a little less blunt than "Yeah, so I have cancer, I'm in chemo, but I'm fine.".  At the same time, I have cancer, I'm in chemo, so I do what I want : )

This is one of the favorite cards I've received and now I've gotten it twice! Thought I'd share with you all.  I'm not very good at giving myself much credit for anything (this has been confirmed by a number of professionals...) but I will say that I think this card and I are a pretty darn good fit.

P.S.  I'm super slow on sending thank-yous as of late....so for those that I'm delayed in getting them off to, just know that I'm extremely grateful.

It's her life

(Title is based on It's my life)

Like Anne said before, this visit has been a long time coming. I actually grew up (well, spent my high school years) just a mile and a half away from where Anne lives and then all four years of undergrad at the same college that Anne went to (and now is a Professor at!!).  
 

Excitement (albeit at 5am) to see Anne!!

 It was strange being back. Strange because my high school years weren’t the greatest (I think many people share that sentiment). 

Memories...

Graeter's ice cream. Highly recommended.

Walk through the old neighborhood. Eek.

Strange because Anne is now Dr. Anne (ok, so probably Dr. Crecelius), with a real office and a name tag; with classes and students, even graduate students! Strange because my Wifey, my younger Wifey, has breast cancer. Anne summed it up pretty well during our walk to DQ yesterday for ice cream, “It’s not fair.”  And that sentiment can suck the life out of anyone. 

As a non-religious person who is a scientist by training I like reasons; I like cause and effect (in so many ways this may be the holy grail of science), but this along with so many things goes into the pile of not yet explained. Having spent four days with Anne (well almost five depending on how you count), a reason isn’t necessary and who knows what it would change, so let’s focus on the things we can change.  Despite being a non-religious person I am a fan of the Serenity Prayer

http://www.krigline.com/photos/wallpaper/Serenity-Prayer-Lugu14x9.jpg

So what can we change?  Well for me it was taking this cross-country trip to see my Wifey (for those of you going ‘WTF?’ at the nickname, it came in college from living together for two years, I think Anne preferred it to hollering “Lynn!!” when she wanted attention across the house, and who doesn’t love a good nickname).  I can continue to do a better job of staying in touch. In following Anne on this journey.  This trip has been great in so many ways. We got to see an additional two of our roommates, Little One (Andria) and Moose (Erin), along with Moose’s baby (who I now dub Mini-Moose). 

  

We strolled through the Ghetto, er, I mean west end of campus. We had lunch with a co-worker at Milanos (still a solid lunch place), lunch at Chappy’s (deliciousness all around), and a dinner at fifth street brewery (amazing loaded fries and great stout).  On top of all the fantastic eating out we cooked and baked: brownie-chocolate-and-peanut-butter-chip bites, white lasagna, roasted chicken, roasted potatoes, Caesar salad, steamed broccoli, banana-chocolate pancakes, and apple oatmeal.  It was more than just the good food, it was great company. 

White lasagna.  Anne has once again changed my life for the better. Seriously delicious.

Little One.

I still can’t wrap my head around how to handle Bertha. So instead I am trying to discover how I can fit in, how each of us fit in.  What has been impressed upon me as so many other guest bloggers and people leaving comments have said or shown, the support is just amazing.  Anne’s house is filled with love; a card garland draping the entire wall, additional cards spilling over on to the bookshelves, a Halloween pumpkin, and a table filled with gourmet goodies and treasured gifts.  Anne is loved (the blanket from a complete stranger, shows just how much),

See the man front an center in hot pink? That's my bf Dan, we were supposed to run a 10k this Sunday to honor to of his friends who died in a climbing accident.  He ran it without me (stole the photo from RG), but let me dress him in a costume of my choice (they encourage costumes on the race), the shirt says "Crush Cancer."  Dan and Anne have never met.

and I know we will all keep loving her in the hopes that in some small way that helps as she chinks away at Bertha (or perhaps she is just full on slaughtering Bertha; ether way, Bertha, your days are numbered). Love you Wifey!

The white streak in the grass is an albino squirrel. Ok so it may just be a white squirrel.  Growing up in Dayton the rumor was these guys were a result of part of the Manhattan project being done in Oakwood.  I think the rumor is bonk, but still pretty neat, eh?  Like seeing a unicorn. Hopefully a unicorn that grants one wish.  Till next time Ohio.

Struggling on a Sunday

*Apologies for lack of photos...internet isn't cooperating*

Perhaps it's a failure of the 'mind over matter' approach, but today was a bit of a struggle.  I was up during the night with a bit of nausea (ps, I consistently misspell that word, thank god for spell check) and tried to fall back to sleep watching "How I Met Your Mother", which I should have known wouldn't work, since I'm terrible at falling asleep watching things.  Ultimately, the fatigue prevailed and I caught another few hours.

I've always said I'm a person with great inertia...when I'm going, I'm going and it's hard to stop me, but sometimes getting going is a real struggle.  And, today, I just never really got going. 

I was disappointed in myself for my failure to seize the day, as Andria (another old UD roommate) had made the trip down from Columbus to spend the day with Lynn and I.  She did this, despite her own worry and paranoia of a few sniffles, so spent most of the day looking  pretty ridiculous with a scarf over her mouth.

I literally spent the greater part of the day sleeping or laying on the couch while these wonderful two ladies went grocery shopping, cooked tons of wonderful food (pancakes, brownie bites, roasted chicken and potatoes).

and importantly, enjoyed each others company.  Meanwhile, I watched clichéd-emotionally charged dramas (Parenthood, Chicago Fire) and rested.  I had an overall strange feeling all day...nothing really physical, but just sort of a down mentality.  I think the reality of just how long this road is going to be is sinking in.  Maybe it's that friends rather than family was here.  Maybe it's that I'm on the 2nd and 3rd rotations through my scarfs.  Maybe it's the fact that there is some work I need to stop avoiding.  All day I just couldn't really shake the feeling of "this sucks".  Probably because it does.  It does suck.  And today, I think I let myself really feel that.

Andria and Lynn wanted to go for a walk after our early dinner and I didn't want to.  I wanted to just sit.  Wallow perhaps. Or perhaps, just let "it" suck.  I reached out to my mom (via text), because I made a promise to her I would share with her the good and the bad and this was the bad.  I was feeling guilty.  Physically, I could probably do it, so why wasn't I?  I felt like I was giving up.  Giving up and fighting through, having a positive attitude, being as "awesome" as everyone tells me I'm being.  And I was feeling guilty for it...scared too.  Scared that while they say this first part is the hardest, and it's over now, that I was giving in to Big Bertha and letting her win, and knowing what the next nearly year plus means, that it isn't time for that.  So I was scared that my laying on the couch, my letting myself be taken care of, my lack of accomplishing really anything was a sign that I was giving in.  So I did.  For a little while at least.  I said no to the walk (through a few tears), and said goodbye to Andria and then took a nap.  Naps have a way of resetting life sometimes.  When I woke up, I said fuck it, get your ass up Anne.  You can't give up, and you need to be at least a little bit awesome today.  Awesome consisted of a short walk (with Dairy Queen as incentive...judge away).  It wasn't fast, and it wasn't long, but it did feel like an accomplishment.  Afterwards, I resumed my place on the couch, barely cooled off from my absence, and continued to absorb myself in the trivial matters of tv shows.  I got sentimental at the finale of HIMYM, knowing that the friendship and bonds they fictionalize on the show I am blessed to have in my own real life. 

I haven't cried much through this whole cancer "thing".  The first time was on the phone with my mom when my fears of the ultrasound/mammogram were confirmed with a highly malignant score.  Since then, I've been relatively tear free.  Telling Eric at the store, the first "in person" sharing of the news.  The bad day at the office.  That's really been it. And even today, while I cried a number of times, it still wasn't quite about everything that is going on, but more everything that has happened.  The Parenthood family standing around a hospital bed, eerily familiar to that day after Grandma's funeral in St. Louis when my own family gathered around our father's hospital bed.  The saying goodbye to friends, and being okay with knowing that even when you're apart for some of the big moments, you're still always friends.  Sitting on my couch with two great friends, feeling guilty and slipping back into the self-punishing Anne that can't cut herself a break.  I still need a good cry.  I know I can't force it though.

It's now time to turn in, with all of these thoughts and emotions still swirling.  Sleep will come and provide a much needed respite from a day of too much thinking and not enough living.  While the prospect of work, meetings, teaching, etc tomorrow seems daunting, I'd be lying to say I don't welcome the distraction.

Done with Four!

Whelp, as I argued with my mom on the phone today, I'm either a third or a quarter of the way though, depending on how you look at it. Point is, this first phase of treatment, which is said to me some of the most physically taxing is through!

Let me take a few steps back though as it's been a few days...

I might add, I realize I haven't blogged super-consistently as of late.  There's a couple of reasons for it, really.  One, I've got other stuff I do...like work, and second work, etc.  That's kind of a lame excuse I realize. Two, it seems sort of boring right now.  Life is kind of just rolling along, and I feel like that isn't really worth updating.

After returning from the wonderful time in Minnesota, I got back in the swing of things at work, which was a short week as we had Fall Break this Thursday and Friday.  Thursday was a routine follow-up with the oncologist with the following to report:

• Expensive Neulasta shots continue to do their job keeping white cell counts up
• Big Bertha has softened!  Not necessarily gotten smaller (as he might have hoped for), but softer, which is a good thing.
• Lymph nodes are no longer palpable (felt from outside, indicating cancer has receding from these)
• I start the next round (weekly treatments of Taxol) of treatment in 2 weeks, it'll stay on Fridays, and continue for 12 straight weeks, ended in mid-January.  It's said these are "easier" treatments than the current regimen.  

Thursday evening, Lynn, my old roommate from UD arrived from San Diego!  This lovely lady jumped on the chance to follow up the sisterly visits with a trip of her own.  Like I've said many times...I'm one lucky girl.

Wifey!

She accompanied me to treatment, is going to cook a delicious dinner tonight, has volunteered to do laundry, etc, and since she's had her own work to do (see laptop above), has encouraged me to do work as well rather than just lounge around! All great things!

Although, to help with the lounging around, I did get one of these:

Can't beat the price.

Pretty sure I'm going to be glad that I finally spent the $35 on this to avoid connecting my Kindle with wires, or failing to connect my laptops hdmi output, etc.  Can't wait to stream some of my favorite TV shows that come on too damn late in this god forsaken time zone to actually watch original broadcasts of.

Friday treatment was without any excitement, other than the "excitement" of it being the last one!  Definitely felt routine. Lynn hadn't been back to Dayton since we graduated in '07 so spent some time walking around before lunch with a friend then a committee meeting.  I got a fair amount of work done, then a decent flick (Draft Day with Kevin Costner...he has really got that role down...sort of suave, in sports, tortured relationship with parents, semi-funny guy) before bed.

Today, had a late start to the morning then met up with another old roommate and her adorable 9 mo old for lunch:

Blast from the past...of course we forgot to take a photo today...

Off to get the last booster shot after seeing Erin's lovely house, trip to Runner's Plus, stop by Walmart to switch out a RedBox and get a few necessities, and now we're currently pounding away on laptops and relaxing.

I'm sort of nervous for the next few days.  I feel good now, but Saturdays are always pretty good.  I'm slightly worried that the next few days won't be as great...sometimes I have to remind myself I'm in chemo.  That it's not really supposed to feel "good" and that I'm handling it far better than I think most (including myself) anticipated, so I should probably just be grateful and shut up :)  

The support continues to be overwhelming at times, but I'm super grateful for it all.  It's funny because I feel like "everyone" knows, but then there are still times when new people find out, at work, or friends, or family friends.  And, everyone is always just so damn supportive.  So thank you all.  

Another great gift arrived today, so I'll leave you with those words, which really, cancer or not, I think we can always probably use a nice reminder of:

So Tired from the Fun!

Had an AMAZING weekend in the Twin Cities.

Spent Friday and Saturday relaxing with my favorite five ladies.  When I say relaxing, I mean relaxing...elastic waist banded pants, no head scarf/hat necessary, good conversation, adorable babies, relaxing.  Sunday, we cheered on Alexis to a successful first marathon (a guest post from her on this is forthcoming!).  Sunday night, I got to see many friends, and some of their parents for a relaxing get-together.

I am truly blessed to have so many excellent people in my life.  I feel so lucky to have made friendships that continue to last over the years (like 15 now!).

I felt good all weekend...we'll see if I can avoid getting a typical travel-related cold.  Follow-up on Thursday and my college roommate Lynn arrives that night to spend this last treatment weekend with me.  No classes on Thursday and Friday for UD's fall break.

Pictures and more stories/thoughts to come (there were a lot over the weekend...) but for now, bed is calling my name. May have to add an extra blanket as it is definitely fall now!

Seriously you guys, I am a really lucky girl and get to call a lot of really awesome people my friends.

Genes and Jeans

Got my genetic testing results back today via phonecall...
all came back negative. So I don't have BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene mutations that put me at increased risk for breast and ovarian cancer, or any of the other (I think 10?) gene mutations that they screened for awhile back.

How do I feel about this?

Well, for one, I'm glad.  It means that my family, my mom, sisters, nieces, etc. don't necessarily need to get tested right away and find out they are at an increased risk.  It means that if/when I have children I don't have to think about whether I "should" knowing that I might be passing along this increased risk.  It means that my risk of recurrence may be less than it would be if I did have the mutation.  These are all good things.

On the other hand, I was slightly...disappointed. In some ways, had I had the mutation, it would have provided a "why" to all of this.  That question has never really bothered me (it has for others...yes, I'm talking to you Grandma 'Tucci) through all of this, but it crossed my mind this morning.  I don't feel like I "did" or "didn't do" anything to cause this to happen, but sometimes my mind does wander to that place.  BPA ridden water bottles, too much processed food, microwaving plastic bags, whatever....the hundreds of things that has been shown somewhere to be carcinogenic.

In the end, it's like I said to the shrink today, as much as I hate saying it and it feels like a cop-out "it is what it is...".  I like to frame this a little differently and go back to what my mom always said about my dad and I and our perspective as to whether the glass is half-full or half-empty....we are just "there's 4 oz of water in the glass" kind of people.  I have cancer.  That's it.  It's not what I did or didn't do, it just is what it is.

The genetic phonecall came amidst a day of a skipped meeting so I could get an extra bit of rest (hooray for me for not being afraid to 'pull back'), a productive meeting, the appointment with the psychologist, a quick lunch with a friend, procrastination from grading exams, and a great class teaching the wonder that is an action potential.  Then a quick dinner and shopping with another friend.

I probably should be be saving $ for medical bills (paid a BIG one today...hello meeting my deductible), but given the weight gain from lack of activity, eating more liberally, and the steroids I'm getting I needed a few more clothes to put in the rotation.  As I told Maura, I almost considered going home rather than going shopping just so I could take my jeans off...that's probably a sign that I should buy bigger pants :)  So I did.  Because again, it is what it is.  While I could get all worked up and in my head in my usual way and have self-image meltdowns (wouldn't be the first time) I could also just go back and buy pants in the size I've worn most of my adult life (that I threw away after losing weight last year) that are more comfortable.  This whole "thing" is teaching me to tackle things as they come, so that's what I'm doing.

Whether it's my genes or my new jeans, just dealing with what I've got.