Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone! After a fantastic trip to the Bechtels in California, I am back in Dayton, one more chemo down, less hair (more on that later) and enjoying the many generous gifts from loved ones and santa.  A brief recap...

I left on Sunday and after a few hour delay in Dayton made it to Ohare in time for my connection and perhaps just as importantly, this:

It was as delicious as it looks.  Four hours later, mostly sleeping thankfully, and I arrived in San Francisco! Off to the wonderful redwood forest! 

Monday I enjoyed spending time with the girls while Karyn went to get Mom, which thanks to heavy fog proved to be a fairly long expedition.  But finally she was there and the fun could really begin!

Tuesday the girls and I created a new land...

 Before we all headed downtown for the Nutcracker! Merry Christmas to mom!

The show was really great (ballet dancers are pretty amazing physically) even though I may have dozed for a minute...I'm going to blame that it was the time change...

Christmas Eve the girls, mom and I saw the new Annie movie (which Id definitely recommend! The little girl is amazing!) and returned home to find that Grandma and Grandpa Bechtel had arrived! Everyone was here and the fun could continue! We sang, danced (Just Dance 2015!!), ate delicious food (mmmmm meat pies), and received one of the best presents of all, a book of Carmen's poems and Grandma Bechtels beautiful illustrations.  It is truly amazing as when the details are finalized with how everyone can get their hands on one, trust me, you'll know. They are both extremely talented. After leaving a great note and a cookie buffet for Santa, it was off to bed....

Got to hang with the girls waiting till a semi more appropriate time to get up with everyone else for present opening. 

Everyone was extremely generous! It was great to see how thoughtful and appreciative everyone is! We  got to FaceTime with the Idaho Crecelii 

Love me some technology! Sarah was with her boyfriend camping in Death Valley beyond the reach of technology.  

The rest of the day was spent playing with new toys, seeing Sarah's new apartment (even if she wasn't there), walking in the woods, and more incredible food (dessert pies!).  Unfortunately, it was also time for packing and heading to the airport to catch my red eye flight so I could be back in time for treatment on Friday.  

Treatment went well, the place was packed making up for being closed on Christmas and I definitely took advantage of some needed nap time.  Then I headed to Runners Plus to work the evening shift, and returned to 1998 on the way home...

That's 87 octane gas if you can't tell...though I must admit I did have a 10 cent grocery bonus discount.  

After a bit of a restless night (thanks steroids) and some time spent awake, I was pleased to sleep in a it and have continued to lounge today.  One thing I did accomplish was to pull the clippers out again 

I'm getting some peach fuzz growing back in but it's a bit thin and splotchy in places so decided to shave it while it thickens up.  Anyone with advice on how to grow out hair from this state let me know...it's actually a little daunting.  But a good problem to have!

Despite the bit of a hassle scheduling around treatments is, I am so glad I was able to make the trip out and spend time with more family than just mom and I as I had originally planned.  It would have been fun (always is with us!) but I think this was more enjoyable and definitely more in the holiday spirit.  

I hope that everyone had a nice of a holiday as I did. 2014 surely will be a memorable year and is coming to an end much more positively than I would have imagined a few months ago. Enjoy the last few days of it!

End of the Semester Update

Semester's over!  I probably shouldn't sound so happy about it, but it does feel like even more of an accomplishment this year.  It's been an interesting semester to say the least...

The week was spent mostly grading...exams, papers, etc.  Grades uploaded on Thursday after Christmas movie watching all day...I may have to post about the wondrous options available of Netflix...there are a few gems for sure.

I had treatment 9 of 12 on Friday and all went well.  After treatment, I had the pleasure of serving as the "client" in a how-to exercise video for Maple Tree that they are producing for breast cancer patients post-surgery.

 

 

It was kind of fun and I'm excited to see the end product!  Was also probably good to get an idea of the range of motion exercises I can expect to do post-surgery...which is still to be decided the details of after a January surgical consult.  

Work at the store and home to find another wonderful handmade gift from a friend of a friend at my door.

I absolutely love the color of this large slouchy-style hat!  Also, as I was looking back on some facebook posts I came across this hilariously foreshadowing one from July...

 

Had we only known then that I would be chopping it off to that length in a month and lose it all weeks later!

 

This morning I attended our fall commencement, welcoming ~500 new Dayton Alumni.

 

 

And I'm happy to say that my gown I invested in fits well, was definitely worth the extra $10 for pockets and the goofy hat comes in handy when you have no hair!

 



 

That's Corinne and I, a great source of sanity at work.  Got to love the #selfies.  It's nice to see more students that I've had and recognize walk at these ceremonies.  The beauty of a small school is that as faculty we come down from the seats to greet our students as they pass, and it's fun to give hugs and handshakes and wish them good luck in the wonderful world ahead of them. 

 

Speaking of students, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention how impressed I've been with how they handled my condition this semester.  As things wrapped up the past few weeks, I had a number of comments and conversations with them, with well-wishes and appreciation for my efforts given what I've been dealing with.  The support from everyone has been impressive, but for some reason, coming when it comes from 18-22 year olds, it warms my heart that much more. 

 

The work ladies and I got together on Tuesday for a drink and this was one of the main points I talked about.  As much as I know that my attitude has allowed me to be a positive influence on them, their kind words have truly helped me remain positive about it all.  And, none of them have complained about their grades so far, so that's always good :)

 

I leave tomorrow for California for the holiday and can't hardly wait!  Wish the whole family was together, but am happy to be able to be with some.  I'm also very much looking forward to seeing some sunshine as the endlessly grey days here in the wonderful Midwest are getting a tad bit old and the early darkness is getting to me.  Let's say I'm pretty glad that tomorrow is the winter solstice and days will start to get longer. 

 

In closing, as I'm not sure if I'll post again before the holiday (likely not as I'm trying to check out for a few days) I'll leave you with this gem from Christmas past...still one of my favorites!

 

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

 

Ramblings of a guest blogger

Ramblings from visitor & guest blogger, Sonja (Hultstrand) Matzke. 

It’s 9am (EST) on Sunday morning and I only now, just woke up. The sleep, uninterrupted, dark room, dreamless sleep I have gotten on this visit to Anne has been fantastic. It’s a big change from the working, mommy, wife life/sleep/routine I took a quick hiatus from when I flew to Ohio.

Anne’s sleep, on the other hand, is one of the only things that so clearly points to cancer. Anne’s always been a morning person, something I have admired since our early am, before student council meetings in high school. But now, the drugs that keep her from reacting to the toxins in the other drugs, make her nights restless. She was up yesterday morning from about 4-6 am watching a movie and then was able to fall back to sleep. Thank goodness, because we had gone to a Christmas party the night prior (my lack of normal responsibilities lowered my inhibition) and it was a delightfully late night full of craft beer, delicious food, peppermint patty shots and vivacious conversation. We solved the world’s problems and debated whether business casual was “easier” for men vs women…

Other than not so fantastic sleep, Anne really seems like her normal self. She is the same person: vivacious, passionate about work, frustrated with her student’s poor research papers, she has seen all the moves on Netflix, and she happens to also to chemo on Friday mornings and have a fuzzy head. Oh and every now and then she gets a hot flash. When we were at the Christmas party on Friday night, we were talking to a young eligible male and I though Anne had gotten embarrassed… turns out, just a hot flash!

When Anne and I were texting last week, I admitted that I was looking forward to coming but that this trip was going to be as much for me as it was for her. I needed a time out from my work/mommy/wife life. I love my life but some weeks are pretty hard and the past week was one of those weeks. The first night, Anne and I spent our time cuddled up on the couch talking about all the not so great things and getting through the quick status update of good friends that don’t talk frequently. It’s one of the fantastic benefits of good friends; we might have missed a few pages of detail along the way but we are able to pick up at current day and enjoy each other. Anne and I made a deal, I could talk about my hard stuff if I wanted but she wouldn't bring it up and she could talk about cancer if she wanted but I wouldn't bring it up. Deal.

It’s been interesting and an honor to be close enough to peer into Anne’s life. She does a pretty damn good job trucking along without the thought of using cancer as an excuse to slow down. Hopefully her students understand how lucky they are to have a professor who cares as much as Anne does. I am glad to have met some of the friends she has here in Dayton who are her day to day support system. And, I loved being included in talking to “call mom mobile” (Barb) in the car. Having a supportive mother is a blessing I am thankful to be familiar with as well. To Barb, and the other moms of daughters in their 20’s and 30’s, thank you for all the support that comes with your friendship.  I will speak for us all in saying, we don't say thanks often enough.

Thanks for the recharge, Annie. Good luck getting through the rest of finals. Enjoy your time with family in California for Christmas. And remember, it’s only a couple short plane rides to northern Wisconsin. Although, you may want to wait until May when we start to thaw out. Love you!

Whirlwind Week

Before diving into the mounds of grading I have to do over the next week, I thought I'd post a quick update.

The week was a bit of a crazy one.  Last semester I had the semi-insane idea that I should do an oral portion of final cumulative exams in my physiology class.  It's typically used more at the graduate level but I think it's a good idea to have an individual conversation with the students and it also forces them to start studying a bit earlier and have some feedback on where they are at (lower stakes than the written portion).  The downside is, scheduling 15-20 minute times with students (even just 1 section of 30 this semester) adds up.  And, this week, I was going to be out for 1.5 days so it made the schedule even more packed.

Tuesday I was suppose to depart at 3:00pm for Washington DC for a quick meeting for the American Physiological Society Communications Committee that I start serving a 3-year term on this January.  Due to a variety of delays, we didn't get out till after 5 but eventually made it into Reagan only to meet my Towncar awaiting my arrival (I felt fancy, I'll admit it).  After arriving in Bethesda, I quickly met my friend Kevin who had recently moved there (and is enjoying it!) and it was SO nice to catch up.

Wednesday was spent all day in the meeting, talking about social media, reaching out the lay public (check out this site if you ever want to learn more about physiology), eating some nice breakfast and lunch, etc all within the confines of a conference room and 10 foot radius.  Thankfully the flight back was without delay.  I shared a car back to the airport with another committee member who was actually a survivor (HER2 positive breast cancer about 5 years back).  It was nice to chat with her about things.  She was also saying how it's amazing because she was able to get Herceptin right after it was approved by the FDA.  Had she been diagnosed even just months earlier, her prognosis would have been much worse.  As she said, it's why she (and I encourage you) to support when you can, as the research can really (even if it takes a long time) make a difference.

Thursday was jam packed with about 15 oral exams, a poster session for my research class (that went well) at noon and importantly, picking up Sonja at the airport!  I avoided work after dinner, and we spent the whole night talking and catching up.  So much fun.

Treatment Friday morning went without event and it was nice to have company, though it kept me awake and I missed my nap! :)  More good news, my labs showed that my red blood cell count is within NORMAL range again!  We were joking a bit with Deena the nurse about my competitive drive to be the best patient ever!  She laughed, but I think we're all glad to see numbers in the right direction.  I worked a full day after treatment, and last night we went to a really fun Christmas party.  Haven't stayed out that late in a while!  And not thrilled to be up and posting this before 7 am...

Looking forward, it's wrapping things up....written physiology final Monday, meetings and such and as I said, lots of grading.  Can't complain and my flight to San Fran on Sunday is a fantastic light at the end of the tunnel.

All in all, nothing super exciting...but hoping Sonja will guest post to share another perspective on all of this.  ALSO! Another reminder for you ladies to do your monthly exam...just heard from a good friend that's getting something suspicious checked out (which hopefully will be nothing).  So again, keep an eye on those girls, girls.

More of the Drugs that are WORKING

The Facebook 'outing' from last post sparked so many kind words!  Thanks to everyone.  As always, I'm humbled and happy to hear from so many people, from so many different stages of my life.  I truly feel lucky to have been able to meet so many caring people in my short number of years already.

Yesterday (Thursday) morning was another 3-week follow up with the oncologist.  Cha-Ching.  Another $50 copay for a fairly quick blood draw and appointment, but this one came with continued good news.  As the doc felt me up (it's amazing, I'm now about 45 sec from the end of the nurse's blood pressure/temp and closing the door to topless in my gown ("open in the front!") and on the exam table) he was impressed with how LITTLE he felt. 

Bye bye Bertha!

There's scar tissue, and some glandular type "oddities" for lack of a better word, but so much progress from that nasty 6x2x3 cm mass that I started with.  He was pleased to hear that treatments continue to go well, oral steroids prevented reactions, etc.  He said "you're easy".  Which, coming about 3.5 minutes after he had both hands on my boobs, made me smile.

As I was getting dressed (takes a touch longer), I was eavesdropping on him dictating into my chart on the computer across from the exam room.  Don't worry, the door was closed, but I've learned the walls are thin and vents must be pretty open.  Some of the better words I've heard in awhile...

"No palpable mass."

 

Alexis said when I texted her that, "English, please".  Basically, what was Bertha is no more... there's not a "tumor" per se to feel.  WAHOO!

 

Warning: Bit of a nerdy interlude upcoming

Talking with Mom on the way to work, she was even more pleased and excited than I.  Ultimately got to the question of "so could this even mean no surgery?" which is a good thought, but, not really the case.  The drugs are preventing the spread of the cancer, and "killing" the cells that are there, breaking them down.  But there's still scar tissue and potentially lingering cancerous cells that should be removed (they just may not be a solid tumor palpable mass...or big enough to feel).  Essentially, the chemo is changing the stage of the cancer in a beneficial direction.  In my case, starting at Stage IIIa (larger than 5cm, nodal involvement), after the first big round, I was probably already to Stage IIb (larger than 5cm, likely no nodal involvement), then to IIa when it got below 5cm but greater than 2cm, and now am at Stage I.

 

Neoadjuvant chemotherapy (chemo pre-surgery) has this primary purpose of shrinking large or aggressive cancers (mine was both), which can hopefully increase the chance of breast-conserving surgery techniques, in other words a lumpectomy (portion of the breast) versus mastectomy (whole breast).  And, the optimistic goal is that you can achieve pathological complete response (pCR) which has varying definitions but essentially means that there's no evidence of the invasive cancer in the breast/nodes/both depending on definition.  This is really best assessed by the pathology report of the excised tissue during surgery; however, I would imagine that it could also be determined with MRI +/- biopsy.  Essentially, the cancer would be "cured". 

 

Not everyone will achieve pCR, but it's recently been suggested that those who do, may have better prognoses, in particular related to recurrence, long-term benefit etc. A few resources from the web:

 Press Release from Breastcancer.org 

Scientific Article

Podcast Q and A with Expert

Another Scientific Article, this one with before and after pictures.

 

Again, not everyone who gets the neoadjuvant therapy will achieve pCR.  In fact, it may be only 10-20%.  But, it looks like I could be one of those.  So, good news now and good news later!

 

Interlude over



 

So I'm happy with that...I think my mom, family, close friends and coworkers were even happier.  I just know that it's still a long process so am pacing my excitement. 

 

The rest of the day was per usual, teaching, my last faculty Writing Across the Curriculum seminar (sucheen a great experience), and a long afternoon/evening of providing feedback on student work, grading, etc. 

 

This morning I headed off for round 7 of 12 of my Taxol treatments.  My regular nurse was back (had been off for the Thanksgiving treatment).  Pretty standard, a bit quicker since blood was drawn at the doc appointment.  More good news, my hematocrit continues to be on the upswing, which is great, as I'm almost not anemic anymore!  Wahoo for increased oxygen carrying capacity of the blood! (I can't stay away from the nerdiness for too long you know...).  Got a little work done, took a solid nap then it was back to campus for a lunch meeting.

 

Afterwards, I ended up meeting with a student regarding her research project and then ending up spending like an hour and a half working with her on the group's data in Excel.  

 

Christmas is coming...

 

As I called my mom on the way to Work 2.0 at the running store, I went off about some frustrations.  Mostly just my insane need to be the best at things, and how I really enjoyed helping this student but was frustrated that I felt like the majority of the class wasn't having the same learning experience and brainstorming ways I could achieve that.  I have to force myself to remember I'm a 3rd semester teacher and figuring some of this out takes time.  Mom remarked "it's so great to hear you frustrated! Not that you're frustrated but that you're yourself enough to be and have the energy to get worked up about it!".  Funny stuff, but I do know what she means. 

 

So to tie this all together, I guess it's no surprise that I'm hoping I can continue to be the "easy" patient and that I achieve the "best" outcomes (even though I don't really think much of that is in my control...we have AMAZING drugs these days people.  Science is cool. Support it.  Go NIH.  And to be honest, I'm actually pleasantly surprised with myself that I'm capable of keeping my expectations in check, as it is not my usual tactic.  While chatting with Lex at the store, I recalled the teaching frustrations and mentioned something along the lines of:

 "I just want to be every student's favorite teacher and have them say that they learned so much about so many things and had fun doing so.  That they were able to apply the skills and things they learned to other classes and other aspects of life.  Oh yeah, and that the girls want to be my friend and the guys want to date me". 

Totally realistic, right?! :)

 

But really, I do set high expectations, and in closing, I'll express more gratitude.  I'm grateful my expectations for treatment may even be exceeded and that I have the mental and physical energy to be myself and keep my professional expectations as unrealistically high as they normally are.  I feel like I may have found my vocation (a fun and important concept we talked about in the seminar and I'm incorporating into my class next year to fulfill our institutional capstone requirement, the things you talk about at a comprehensive religiously-based liberal arts school!), that my calling to help others might just be to help them learn and grow and I have big plans for myself.  Like I also said to Lex:

 

 

Another "Outing"

So....

Cat's out of the bag!

 

I'm fully "out" of Facebook. 

 

Before I go there, a couple thought on the above GIF.  1) I can't believe I just contributed to cats on the internet.   What has my life become?  2) I got that from www.funnycatgifs.com.  What has the world become?  3) I sometimes actually prefer viewing GIFs on my mobile device where I can pause them as I feel like the repetition of them drives me a little crazy.

 

 

Back to Facebook and the world of social media. 

 

The other day, Sarah posted some great pictures of the family from Thanksgiving on Facebook and it made me think I should also post mine.  So I did.  And in so doing, I wanted to change my banner picture to the family one we took and then also thought my profile picture was fairly out of date (from my trip to Maine this summer) and needed an update.  So I did these things.

 

 

 

Sidenote...that picture of me and baby Alice came after this sequence.

 

Apparently, I don't know how to kiss a baby and instead look like I want to eat them.  Which, interestingly, is not that uncommon apparently (and yes, Buzzfeed is not the only source I could have linked to for this)

 

Anyway, back to Facebook.  The new profile picture garnered some attention.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't sort of expecting it.  I think the baldness is apparent, and I know how the FB algorithims work (er...sort of....) and figured the change would appear on people's newsfeeds and they'd see the change.  Lots of people, and people that didn't necessarily see Alexis's post from October that I had previously mentioned in a post about her running the marathon and a bit of a synopsis on the situation.

 

Perhaps this was my unconscious way of asking for support.  On Monday, at the psychologist, we were talking (that's what you do...) about what I "need" from people.  I didn't have  good answer (I hate when that happens, particularly at the shrink), as I don't feel like I'm lacking much.  The support is terrific as I'm sure people are sick of hearing/reading, but it's the truth.  I haven't needed many "accommodations", though did for the first time ask for an extension at work on a project because it hasn't been a priority for me this semester.  But I have been in a little bit of a funk.  Perhaps it could just be the normal let down that comes after a family visit, or it's the weather/dark early nights I'm still getting used to.  I'm not sure.  So maybe I was motivated by some need to put myself back into focus and say "Hey, remember how I have cancer!".  Because as I've said, I do forget sometimes, and since I'm really just sort of rolling along with treatment right now (followup today with oncologist, Taxol treatment 7/12 on Friday), there hasn't been much 'excitement'.  Or, maybe I just wanted to change my profile pic like I used to always do B.C. (before cancer), particularly after "events" like holidays.  And Alice is freaking adorable.  So I did it.  And, people noticed.

 

Alexis's post got more likes.  I got direct messages where people actually admitted to seeing it, stalking posts to realize the situation or find this blog.  Thanks for admitting that by the way ladies!  :)  It's not creepy at all in my opinion...I mean social media basically is for stalking, right?

 

So I decided to make the "announcement", and just post the status update (which will likely also show up on people's newsfeeds for non-facebook users).  And, now that I've thought about it, I'm not doing it as a cry for help or support, because I don't "need" that.  Despite the little bit of a funk, I really am doing fine.  As Mom said on the phone, I sound like myself, and in some ways, the fact I now have the energy (mental and physical) to overthink these things, get frustrated with my weight gain, get upset about an unknown fertility future, work late nights, etc, shows that I'm doing well.

 

 

Haha, social media....so weird.  I mean, what do you really say about something like this?  Maybe I should go back for a sociology masters or second PhD (I've thought about a master's in psychology...hooray for tuition remission!) and do a paper on the impact of social media on patients dealing with chronic diseases.  I really think it'd be fun.

 

So I'm out.  Even more so. And maybe in my semi-typical self-deprecating way, I want people to know so that as my hair grows back but the extra pounds are sure to slowly come off, people don't just think "Anne's let herself go" but realize that there's been a lot to deal with, I'm on a lot of drugs, including steroids, etc.  I know I don't HAVE to justify this, but it's been a constant struggle my whole life, so no surprise it continues to be during cancer.  Again, it actually provides a weird sense of normalcy.  Trust me, the shrink and I have discussed on many an occasion. 

 

I think part of all this overthinking also relates to the end of the semester, end of the year (starting to see those 'year in review' 'best of 2014' lists already, only ~million so far!) and that sense of wanting to look back and evaluate what the past few months have been like.  Perhaps the perils of living of an academic schedule, or perhaps it's just a normal part of life. 

 

And with that, it's back to 'normal'...I'll get out of bed, continue to listen to my standard morning radio show and start my day. 

 

The timing of things is funny.  I recently found out an old colleague has terminal cancer,  Tuesday was #GivingTuesday to support charities/non-profits, and it's Jimmy V week on ESPN, supporting Jimmy V Foundation for Cancer Research.  I am so thankful my cancer is cureable (it really is you guys...kind of crazy, modern medicine!), I encourage people to support who, when, and how you're able, and Jimmy V's words take on a whole new meaning to me now.  As he says:

 

“To me, there are three things we all should do every day. We should do this every day of our lives. Number one is laugh. You should laugh every day. Number two is think. You should spend some time in thought. And number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy. But think about it. If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that's a full day. That's a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week, you're going to have something special.”

 

And, more importantly, "Don't give up...don't ever give up."

 

Jimmy V's 1993 ESPY Speech, 10 minutes worth watching.



Thanksgiving in Review

For some reason, seems like when I have the most fun, I have no desire to blog! :) 

Thanksgiving was a whirlwind of fun in Phoenix with the fam.  Some highlights in pictures:

 

Also, it is possible for me to look like a cancer patient:

That was post "run" on Thanksgiving morning though, so I won't feel too bad about it.

 

I flew back late on Thanksgiving to be back for Friday's uneventful treatment.  Thankfully had an open row so got to stretch out and slept the whole time!  I spent the rest of the weekend relaxing, decorating for Christmas

and avoiding doing 'real' work.  I'm pretty great at that!  Worked at the store on Sunday, pretty usual weekend stuff.

 

I've been in a bit of a mental lull lately...perhaps it's the letdown post-visit, or the long dark nights that I'm still not used to.  Nothing overly concerning, and really I think just the normal ebs and flows of life.  The weight gain (steroids? let's hope) and complicated travel plans just don't really help!  And perhaps I'm a masochist to watch a bunch of cheesy Christmas/Holiday movies as well...

 

Upcoming weeks are a little crazy, finishing up the semester, quick trip to DC for a meeting (I do feel kind of cool getting to say that like a real professional or something...), lots of grading, holidays parties, etc.  Throw in doctors' appointments (followup with the oncologist on Thursday morning), the chemo on Fridays, a visitor (yay for Sonja coming!), and it'll be a busy December.

 

As much as I feel a little blue, I also can't help but be grateful, and Thanksgiving was another good reminder of that.  I wont get into everything that made people sob around the table but there was a lot for all of us to be grateful for.  So here's to hoping everyone survived the best of holidays and is looking forward to Christmas!