Balance to Start the New Year

 Well what a couple of first weeks of 2021 it’s been, huh? This isn’t the place for politics but if you think the storming of the capitol was anything but sad and disgusting, PLEASE let me know.  I’d love to “debate” that with you. :). In all seriousness though, there’s been some early stress from 2021 and we’re only 2 weeks in!  

Since last posting, I wrapped up my amazing trip out west and time with the family (a guest blog post from them may be forthcoming...).  It was fairly uneventful...some more pickle ball, hikes, cookies a little bit of back to remote work (and remote school for the girls). 

  

 I flew home from Grand Junction, with a fairly easy 3 flight day, able to be masked up except when I sat alone in a corner to eat.

A little bit of excitement when I got home and couldn’t get in my house (I love that Amy was concerned about security and locked deadbolts and door handles but I hadn’t taken a key...guess I learned to not rely on smart locks).  Fortunately, Nate and Maura had picked me up from the airport so I was able to crash at their place.  Conveniently, they live across the street from the Cancer Center so I could walk to my chemo treatment the next day while my landlord opened up my house for me.  Sidenote: Riley did not scratch my eyes out in anger for being gone.  I may have bribed her with wet food and treats but we’ve resumed snuggles and all seems to be well.

First dose of Round 3 of Abraxane went well.  I have to admit I loved being back at my ‘little clinic’ vs fancy Stanford.  They are super efficient (I was in at 9:30 and out before 11:30).  It’s nice they know me by name, I can walk in and sit down, and when it came to scheduling, we were able to just grab the doc walking by and ask him a couple questions.  I’ll do a CT scan at the end of the month after the end of this round to see whether the poison is working on the right stuff.

My labs that got drawn prior to my treatment showed that my days at altitude paid off!  That and probably the extra break week.  I actually had NORMAL red and white blood cell counts.  I was pretty stoked about that, especially because I had the silly idea to still do the half marathon I had signed up for the next day.

Alexis, my BFF and heterosexual life partner would be running in MN (we originally were going to meet up in Phoenix to do so but #COVID killed that plan) and Elizabeth would be joining me here in Dayton.  I went into it with the goal of finishing, since I basically had only trained 4 weeks about 2 months ago and hadn’t run any since.  We were surprised by a really nice day (the sun even came out!).  I jog-walked the first few and last few miles, while walking the middle.  Just under 3 and a half hours later (that was my time goal), we finished! Elizabeth was so sweet as to print out the virtual run materials (mile markers to tear up, my bib) and even got Eric to come out and join the last bit.  Fuck. You. Lung. Nodules.  

  

My conservative approach left me feeling not that terrible...shins a little sore, but otherwise pretty good.  I felt accomplished, dare I say proud of myself (my therapist would love that I’m complimenting myself).  Not that many people who do a half-marathon (at any speed) the day after chemo (I of course then googled chemo and marathons later and there are a lot of other bad asses out there too...but I’ll try to not let that bother me).  

So I was feeling good!  Rewarded myself with some takeout (empty fridge post travel), some TV and some relaxing.  I deserved it, right?  Unpacking could wait!

And here’s where the balance comes in.

I’ve been fortunate that most of my updates have been happy and positive and dare I say optimistic.  But there’s always a balance.  

I crashed.  And I crashed hard.

The takeout? The TV? It continued.  Through Sunday.  And Monday.  And Tuesday.  It took me till today and having an in person meeting at work to shower and get dressed.  My one suitcase is still unpacked and a load of laundry remains in the dryer.  

For all those steps I got on Saturday, I think I probably got 100 each of the last few days.  Bed, couch, bathroom, fridge, door, couch, bathroom, couch, bed.  Repeat.  

I thought this might happen.  I always have a bit of a ‘come down’ after adventures, particularly with my family.  It’s not even just the negative thinking (that’s there too...I won’t have a family, I’m out of shape, what if it’s not working, I need to get my finances in order, what if that was the last time, etc, etc, etc) but it’s also because I can.  There’s no one there to see it.  No one there to call me on my shit.  I have good friends that sent along wellness checks....they know.  Mom knows that I might ignore a call.  I get by...I had a few ‘must do’ things that I did...if I was filling out the depression screener PHQ-9, for the question of “how difficult have these feelings made doing your work, normal things” etc question, I wouldn’t have been in the ‘impossible’ category, but I would have been in the ‘very difficult’.  

I think it was worse because of the length and greatness of my little bubble experience.  Even just not having hair anymore...last time I was home I did.  If I went into the office and saw people I might have to deal with that...bust out the headscarfs I guess (beanies seem less work appropriate).  The pity party was real and I was the only guest.  It was a rager.

It’s not easy for me to say it, especially in this ‘public’ forum.  Lord knows that I’m not a fan of being vulnerable and showing weakness...  I’m sharing as a way of forcing myself into acceptance...forcing myself to acknowledge.  Notice and name.  Sadness.  Depression.  Loneliness.  Familiar friends I know I can overcome, I know I have tools to deal with.  Gratitude helps.  Gratitude for the great time that was had.  For the wonderful family I have.  The beautiful places I was able to be.  

Balance.

I have to share the good and the bad.  I’m not going to sugar coat it.  The holidays can be hard.  My nieces were making these amazing goals for the year and I couldn’t bring myself to think about any for myself because who knows where I’ll be in a year.  Last year at this time I was applying to jobs in CO, thinking about upending my life.  Well it got upended, just not the way I planned.  Seeing happy families can be hard if you’re single, whether you have cancer or not.  But the cancer makes the likelihood of it ever happening even less.  The chain of great Christmas photo cards I got while away makes me smile, grateful for having those people in my life, but also a bit sad, knowing it isn’t my reality or future.  I don’t feel like things are working.  I’ll be so pleasantly surprised if they are. I think about it.

So here I am...at work, with appointments the next couple of days, that will at least get me out of bed.  I’ll still lay low this weekend (I’m sort of quarantining post travel anyways for COVID safety....I say sort of because when I ended up staying at Nate and Maura’s I did unmask, though we stayed distanced).  I’ll probably watch more Grey’s Anatomy reruns (rewatching gives a sense of calm and is a way to deal with anxiety....anyone else do this during the pandemic?).  I at least did order groceries so can cut down on the DoorDash orders.  

Getting through the tough times is much easier knowing I have such a supportive team in my corner. I don’t always accept the help or want to talk, but I know it’s there and it really does help.  Thank you all.