Genes and Jeans

Got my genetic testing results back today via phonecall...
all came back negative. So I don't have BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene mutations that put me at increased risk for breast and ovarian cancer, or any of the other (I think 10?) gene mutations that they screened for awhile back.

How do I feel about this?

Well, for one, I'm glad.  It means that my family, my mom, sisters, nieces, etc. don't necessarily need to get tested right away and find out they are at an increased risk.  It means that if/when I have children I don't have to think about whether I "should" knowing that I might be passing along this increased risk.  It means that my risk of recurrence may be less than it would be if I did have the mutation.  These are all good things.

On the other hand, I was slightly...disappointed. In some ways, had I had the mutation, it would have provided a "why" to all of this.  That question has never really bothered me (it has for others...yes, I'm talking to you Grandma 'Tucci) through all of this, but it crossed my mind this morning.  I don't feel like I "did" or "didn't do" anything to cause this to happen, but sometimes my mind does wander to that place.  BPA ridden water bottles, too much processed food, microwaving plastic bags, whatever....the hundreds of things that has been shown somewhere to be carcinogenic.

In the end, it's like I said to the shrink today, as much as I hate saying it and it feels like a cop-out "it is what it is...".  I like to frame this a little differently and go back to what my mom always said about my dad and I and our perspective as to whether the glass is half-full or half-empty....we are just "there's 4 oz of water in the glass" kind of people.  I have cancer.  That's it.  It's not what I did or didn't do, it just is what it is.

The genetic phonecall came amidst a day of a skipped meeting so I could get an extra bit of rest (hooray for me for not being afraid to 'pull back'), a productive meeting, the appointment with the psychologist, a quick lunch with a friend, procrastination from grading exams, and a great class teaching the wonder that is an action potential.  Then a quick dinner and shopping with another friend.

I probably should be be saving $ for medical bills (paid a BIG one today...hello meeting my deductible), but given the weight gain from lack of activity, eating more liberally, and the steroids I'm getting I needed a few more clothes to put in the rotation.  As I told Maura, I almost considered going home rather than going shopping just so I could take my jeans off...that's probably a sign that I should buy bigger pants :)  So I did.  Because again, it is what it is.  While I could get all worked up and in my head in my usual way and have self-image meltdowns (wouldn't be the first time) I could also just go back and buy pants in the size I've worn most of my adult life (that I threw away after losing weight last year) that are more comfortable.  This whole "thing" is teaching me to tackle things as they come, so that's what I'm doing.

Whether it's my genes or my new jeans, just dealing with what I've got.