It's why I love and hate my job. The emails from students along the lines of "I'm having a quarter life crisis and concerned about school, including your class, can we talk?". Sure. "Get used to it, next!" Sometimes I feel like:
Who am I to be dolling out this advice? On careers? On study habits? I've gotten pretty good at sounding like I have my shit together, but man, if that ain't a laugh.
It's not a "cancer thing". I get it. It's a human thing. So tell me to toughen up. And then I see someone and have the conversation that goes like:
"You look great! How you feeling?!"
"Good! Start radiation on Monday, so hopefully continue to!"
"Oh, I hope it goes well."
"Me too, crazy to have that standing appointment"
By the way, I'm starting radiation Monday. Apparently the planning in complete, so the new recurring Google calendar appointment is set (M-F, ending 5/29).
And again, I've gotten pretty good at sounding like I have my shit together, and for the most part I do. Then I have a Moment. Capital M, because you know that's when it's important, like God and Catholic and apparently the inconsistent capitalizations I overlook in student presentations. Tonight, when I'm probably too tired, or too worn out from reviewing proposals on mathematics research that I honestly can't even summarize other than to say there aren't numbers and there are theories, this was my Moment.
Why the f*ck did I click on that link. I can't say I'm scared to die. Like, in the near future. But reading one of the captions that said "after double mastectomy, chemotherapy, radiation, and follow up she was declared cancer free, a year later to realize it had metastasized" I got that sinking feeling.
I think I'm less scared thinking about the possibility of something like that and more scared thinking about why the hell am I at work and stressing out about what service commitments I should or shouldn't make if in a year I could be dead. But, I'm the kind of person that works late and gets things done (even if it's after procrastinating from revising a student's thesis by writing this post) and stresses over things that a lot of people don't consider. To let the possibility of something that could potentially happen from this god damn disease at some point down the road dictate what I'm doing right now, in this very moment seems utterly ridiculous.
I've been pretty positive throughout this, because I am. I believe in science. I've seen the percentages and my chances of living till I'm old enough to have to worry about 15 other things are good. But percentages are just percentage. And sometimes, lightning strikes and hits something. Or someone. Like the unfortunate student who was struck by lightning last night on campus, literally within 100 feet of where I was only minutes beforehand.
So we just don't ever know. So yes, I think about what it could be like if this thing kills me.
It hasn't yet. And I keep doing what I can to make sure it doesn't. That requires some flexibility on my part, and those around me. Sorry students, you need to reschedule your exams because radiation got scheduled...trust me I'd rather be talking physiology with you, then there. I do think that speaks more towards how to approach careers, life, school, exams, etc than any of the nonsense I ramble at these kids when they're in my office.
I've had my quarter life crises...more than I probably care to admit. Maybe tonight is just a cancer-life crisis. Not the first, surely not last either.
So I guess I'll close by giving myself the advice I'd dole out...think about what you're doing, why you're doing and what it could lead to. Enjoy as best you can what you're doing, knowing that things can change. Work hard, maintain balance, and trust that things sort themselves out. Focus on the concepts, the big picture, and incorporate the details only to the extent that it helps you keep moving forward, but doesn't overwhelm you. Get a good night's sleep, eat breakfast, take a deep breath.
❤️
ReplyDeletefantastic wisdom.
ReplyDeleteLove you.
ReplyDelete