March Surprises

Well, it's been over a month since last posting and the good news that the chemo is working.  It sure makes going to treatment, shuffling through headscarves in the morning a bit easier to deal with.

I've got about a half an hour before some morning academic advising appointments (it's advising season, my life is sort of consumed by it for the next 3 weeks), so figured I'd share some quick updates, some more surprising than others...

I got my vaccine!  I won't get into the frustration of inconsistent policies by state, inequities in access, etc.  Long story short, one of our major health systems has been having clinics at our basketball arena.  They got a large allotment yesterday.  Word of mouth convinced me to go over and put my name on the 'end of day' list.  Well, better than end of day, about an hour later, I got a call to come in!  First dose in, second one April 7th, Pfizer, arm sore, otherwise no issue.  Bottom line, we need as many people vaccinated as soon as we can, so if you can get it, get it, and help others to do the same.  

Don't worry I filled out my name later...

So many people were concerned and helpful in helping me to get a vaccine.  I think it was pretty much a group effort!

Other surprises, I got the kindest note from a former UD student (not even one of mine! we just crossed paths) about some positive effect I've had on her, at 'needed' times throughout the years.  As the universe would have it, the note came at a time I needed it from her, after a stressful work-related event.  It was a great reminder that we sometimes can't know the influence we have on others, now and in the future.  Thanks for the reminder Elizabeth A.  

Not really a surprise, but we got the winter storm dumping snow a few weeks back, though feels more like spring now!

Beauty of blended learning was that it didn't disrupt the class schedule and it was basically business as usual.  

My buddy Nat told me about the greatest mascot ever, Toasty....I can't wait to visit Colorado Springs and take in a Vibes game.

Serious kudos to that marketing division.

 I may have reached peak multi-tasking the other day, watching honors student symposium presentation, the last Flyer game (not our best season....) and a meeting for work.  God I love technology.  

March is Women's History Month, if you're not aware.  I am super honors to have been selected as one of the Women of UD.  It's a fantastic group of ladies, and I've definitely been boosted by so many other past recipients and males on campus and in my life.  They are profiling us on the Women's Center Instagram Page, Humans of New York style.  I'll include my text story below for those of you not proficient at links :)  There's a virtual celebration next week and it's been a good reflective exercise.  Hasn't totally erased my imposter syndrome but it's nice to be recognized and has given some good feels.  One of the harder, but maybe more fun tasks was picking a theme song...this is what I came up with (thanks for the inspiration EW), I think it's fairly fitting:

Other than those few things, fairly business as usual...work, tennis, hanging, avoiding doing dishes, etc.  Riley and I had a few closet incidents, but I think she's mostly recovered (from being locked there all day, and then from getting her paw crushed, when I was paying more attention to making sure she wasn't inside the closet than near the hinges...)

“There is beauty in multitasking and Zoom meetings. In the middle of March, I was the interim department chair for Health and Sport Science and we were having a sort of emergency leadership team meeting with the other department chairs and the Dean's office about what was going on, and I remember that moment very clearly because it was during that Zoom call that I also got a phone call from my oncologist. The breast cancer that I had been diagnosed with in 2014 had returned and had progressed to stage IV metastatic disease, and he said ‘I'll see you tomorrow to talk about next steps.’ Then, I sat back down and joined the Zoom call again. I had to go in for the testing, and I literally ran a Zoom meeting for my department from my cell phone in the parking lot of the doctor's office, because the meeting was running up right until the time of my appointment. And, I could be in an Executive Committee of the Academic Senate meeting from the waiting room before a bone scan. Even now, I have Friday treatments, and I will be sitting in the chemo chair, with my iPad out listening in on meetings. Last March, I changed treatments: tried something for three months, didn't work; tried something else for three months, still no progress; fortunately, the infusion chemo that I've been on for the past three months actually did show some progress, I just found out. So as much as the pandemic defined the past year for so many of us, for me it's also been a personal health challenge. The idea of resilience, for me, has definitely been multifactorial in the past few months, trying to manage how to be a strong leader and have an impact, and yet also prioritize myself, because I need to. I think there are a lot of parallels to my current metastatic disease and the pandemic in that so much is unknown and so much is ‘we'll see how it goes.’ We can't make plans more than three months out because ‘we have to see what the data looks like,’ and as for my health right now, that's sort of how I have to live my life. 
I’m a scientist and I love data and I like supporting things with facts, and in the past year there has been overwhelming amounts of information. Trying to sort through all of that and make decisions, I think, has been the challenge and to recognize that none of those decisions are made lightly or easily; that we trust that those we work with are taking into consideration various perspectives. Yes, I'm doing my own research on the back end, but at some point you have to trust the people who we've hired to do the jobs, to do them right. I can Google all I want, but at the end of the day, I still rely on my medical team to help me make decisions about my care. I still rely on the University administration to keep the doors open. Sometimes life hits you with big messy complex stuff that really doesn't have a good answer. You can wallow and complain or you can adapt and modify your life to become accustomed to it. That's what we've all had to do the past year, and what I think I’ve tried to help others do. I talk a lot with students, trying to help them understand the challenges of when things are coming at you, that what we're doing in the grand scheme of things is actually what's important. I think that the pandemic has forced people to maybe acknowledge, or to say out loud, a lot of things that we hadn't been saying before. Maybe it's because we're only communicating virtually, and so we have to actually articulate things because the ability to actually connect physically has been taken away. Anytime you're going through a significant health crisis, there's that sense of ‘there's no time to waste,’ and ‘I need to make sure that I say what I want to say.’ That mentality of trying to address the present moment, I think the past year we've all realized, is much easier said than done. But when you strip away the things that you can do outside of the house or the things that you can do at work, you kind of purge down to what's most meaningful and what's most important. Seeing the humanity in people has been so important this past year. Quite frankly, probably one of the bigger things is the idea of grace and humility, and what you're capable of doing and not capable of doing. I’m not one that likes to admit that I'm not capable of doing something, and I am one that generally hesitates to accept and ask for help. But I think having dealt with the health issues, I have learned to accept help and to allow others to help, and to admit when things are overwhelming or I'm overcome by something, and I think that's been really important this past year as well. So, while I don't have any family members here, I definitely would say that I have my UD family that I rely on and that has been critical in helping me get through both the pandemic and different types of health challenges. I’m an alum, and I hope that I live out the ‘Learn, Lead and Serve’ motto of UD in what I do. It's a great community and I feel lucky that I have good relationships with the people who've been honored with this award in the past and on the list this year. I feel fortunate that I know many of them quite well."

Magic Milk

I was able to have my research lab’s journal club face to face this morning.  Journal Club, or ‘Dear Diary’ as Lex likes to call it, is where we collectively read a published research study and someone presents it, we discuss, good/bad, how it relates to our lab, underlying physiology etc.  After going through intro, methods, result figures, we usually skip right to the “take home message”.  Or, as my travel buddy Erica says, “what’s the punchline?”

Well folks, here’s the punchline of this post...

THE CHEMO IS WORKING!!!

That’s right, tAbraxane, the poison that has caused me to have hair thin, leading to shave it, that takes up my Friday afternoons, that costs 10s of thousands of dollars (billed to insurance thankfully) is working.  It not only stabilized the growth of the nodules in my lungs but it even led to some improvement.   No, not some improvement, “marked” improvement.  That’s fancy clinical speak for a good amount.  Yay.  Don’t believe me?  Need to reread it again like I had to?  Go for it.  Impression from CT scan:

How did we get to this welcome news?  Well, Monday was full of appointments to do these 3-month post infusion chemo scans.  I went to my oncologist’s office in the morning for the CT.  Around noon I walked down to the hospital (yay for convenience) to get the nuclear tracer injected for the bone scan.  

Radioactive! That Imagine Dragons song always plays through my head when I get these.  Walk back to work, do some stuff, go back at 4 for the bone scan.  Thank god for a flexible schedule.  Once I was home from the scan I checked my online chart for the oncologist’s office, never really thinking the CT would have resulted and been posted yet.  But there it was!  Some celebratory text messages to family and close friends, a few rereads to make sure I wasn’t misinterpreting things, and wow, what a relief.  I was really expecting bad news.  Not for much reason, symptoms-wise nothing has really changed, but just seemed like nothing was working.  Well, thanks big guns, thanks for working.  

I saw my oncologist this morning (the planned post scan visit).  It’s a much different feeling walking in when you know you have good news to talk about rather than not.  It was great seeing him, and the nurse practitioner visibly excited by the good news.  We confirmed that the plan will be to continue these infusions for another 3 months.  In general, we continue until toxicity (with this drug most likely would be neuropathies in hands/feet...I haven’t really had any, maybe a little loss of sensation in one thumb) or disease progression.

3 months at a time.  I’m living life on quarters now.  I just got extended a bit.  I know where I’ll be Fridays at 2 until April.  And I sort of know what to expect, which in a world of various treatments and side effects is pretty great.  It also helped to make me feel less like I’m ‘circling the drain’.  Easier to think farther out.  The doc did say that after the 3 months is might be possible to move to a 2 week on 2 week off schedule, just to free up a little more time.  

I also was able to drop the steroid pretreatment that I didn’t get while I was in California.  I don’t think it’ll make a big difference, but in trying to “fit in airplane seats better” as I told my trainer my goal was, every little bit helps.  And having a bit more hope for longer high quality of life time is also motivating to make positive changes in eating/exercising.

The bone scan resulted right before my appointment.  There’s even been a bit of an improvement in the sternum metastasis, and no new ones either.  That was welcomed news as I have occasional aches and pains I of course panic and think are new mets, and in my ‘prepare for the worst’ way was scared that it might be a good news/bad news thing.  On that note, I had a strange skin rash and was afraid it might be a COVID symptom .  Wouldn’t it be ironic to get good cancer news and COVID in the same week?  Thankfully, testing is fairly available here and I was able to schedule a rapid test last night.  Negative result assuaged those concerns.

Speaking of COVID, state-by-state vaccine distribution plans are weird.  Here in Ohio, we are not prioritizing college personnel (just K-12 teachers), nor the immunocompromised.  So as of now, I’m in line with other under 65’ers for whenever that is.  Side note, remember even with vaccines folks, masks and distancing are going to be necessary for awhile!  Heard immunity takes a bit and these new variants don’t make it any easier.  

Other than the good news, not a whole lot to share.  I’m back to teaching, starting face to face this coming week vs the fully zoom sessions we’ve had so far.  Entry testing has been pretty good for student cases.  Though folks need to be vigilant and get daily numbers down a bit.  I was just texting with Lex about whether or not I’ll keep wearing scarves/beanies all the time “in public”.  I don’t around the house unless I’m chilly, nor with friends.  It’s sort of just easier.  The stubble isn’t too splotchy so I think I can pull it off, but haven’t quite decided.  I really should probably not think about how others feel about it and just do what I want, but that’s easier said than done.  

Being busy at work is nice, I feel back to myself a bit more, back to a routine.  I definitely miss the sunshine of CA/CO and being with family but have gotten back into the groove of my singledom, and have tried to pull inspiration for recipes (carbonara is so easy and delicious) and been thankful for our family zooms/escape rooms/Marco polo/texts.  

Thank you magic milk.  You may be poison.  You may be expensive.  You may be annoying to schedule and make me feel tired.  But you’re helping.  So it’s worth it. So worth it.  See you in a couple days.

Guest Posts from my Hosts!

EDITOR’S NOTE:  Anne here.  Quick updates.  As predicted, things have gotten better.  Being busy is better.  Another round of treatment without much to talk about (waiting to hear on some things like whether I can go ahead and try to get COVID vaccine, if we’ll do bone scan and CT or just CT, etc).  Classes began today (virtual for at least the first couple weeks).  People are awesome...and thanks for understanding and appreciating my honesty and the balance of everything.  Anywho...a special treat for you!  Guest posts!  I thought it might be fun to hear directly from the folks I spent most of the past 2 months with and they were kind enough to oblige.  Here are their words (probably harder to share than my own because they are so kind).  Enjoy.

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First-from my niece Carmen...an amazing artist (check out her IG, give it a follow!), the one that made me “Auntie Anne”, and an all around amazing young person.

Its January 8th and auntie anne has just left after spending around the last month and a half with us. a lot of stuff happened in that time.

 

off with her hair!

Auntie anne came in with a bang, full volume and pulling out chunks of hair during dinner which I later had to wash out of her soup bowl 😖 she was shedding hair faster than our cats so we shaved it off the night she arrived. we all took turns shaving off some hair but dad did most of it. she rocks the bald badass look. 

i was worried that when i saw auntie anne in person i would see that the cancer had beaten her down, but auntie anne is incredibly strong, and despite it all she still carried a persistent sense of optimism that made me feel more hopeful. 

during november we chilled out, played tennis together (i apparently don’t know how to move on the court), and took walks around the neighborhood. we went to see a light show at filoli, we danced, biked russian ridge, and enjoyed a warm thanksgiving together.

december fun

now on to december. we all had a fabulous makeup photo shoot after watching a makeup master class. there was lots of coughing and cackling, but not from covid, from the cancer.. grandma finally arrived around this time and it felt even more festive. after being stuck with my family (no offense family) for so long, it was very refreshing to have two new fresh faces to spice things up. i didn’t get to spend much time with grandma though because my dad, sister, and i all left on december 20th to drop off a canoe as a secret santa present before heading to colorado

adventures in colorado

in colorado we played pickle ball, danced in the gym, and played some ring fit adventure. we had a marco polo christmas with my moms side of the family and then went down to eat a socially distanced christmas dinner with my dads family. i’m really glad that both sides of my family are so welcoming and get along with each other so well. 

skiing in telluride 

after that we took a short trip to telluride for some skiing. auntie anne wanted to downhill ski so i decided to go along with her. skiing during covid was definitely a little stressful. we did as many routes as we could considering the long lines, stopping occasionally to let auntie anne rest her numb legs. i was very proud that she was watching out for her body, and i didn’t mind stopping once in a while to take in the views of the mountains while she was resting. she eventually decided to stop since it’s understandably frustrating to ski with lung nodules and cancer and the fear of covid and not being as physically fit as she once was. it was incredibly impressive that she went out onto the mountain at all and did so many runs so i said goodbye to her and skiied a bit more before heading down too. that night we ate some good food and spent the next few days skiing and snowshoeing amongst the gorgeous mountains. 

on new years my grandparents came to ski a bit and eat pizza with us. we passed time that night by watching movies like mean girls until it was finally time for the ball to drop. a few fireworks went off randomly, and we all celebrated with a glass of sparkling apple cider. 

i am extremely lucky to have had a warm loving family by my side through this tough year. having grandma and auntie anne live with us was a much needed change of pace and helped me regain some of the happiness and excitement quarantine had stripped away from me. hopefully 2021 will be better, but i don’t want to jinx it. peace out ✌️ 

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From my big sis Karyn...an all-around superwoman.

My sister asked if we’d like to write a guest blog. Carmen writes. She willingly went first, courageous as she always is to put her thoughts (or her art) on paper, to share a part of herself with the world and accept the reaction. It’s one of the things I admire about her.

I myself like to stick to haiku or poetry if I’m going to share. Prose feels like a helpless game of “telephone” to me—trying to connect my thoughts to my writing to your eyes/ears and your thinking. It seems doomed for failure. Even when I read my own writing a few days later, I tend to feel surprised I would have said things the way I did. I much prefer a restrictive 5-7-5 syllable count, a 6 word memoir, or the opportunity to evoke feeling but in a poetic form that makes whatever you walk away with fair game. 

But Anne means the world to me, so despite being the diary and blog-less person that I am, a few thoughts.

The only thing that serves as a better reality check than unending months of COVID living is living through friends and family battling cancer. This damn disease messes with not only the body but the mind. When Anne was making plans for the holiday, she had to have a conversation with her oncologist that included asking, “Is this likely to be my last Christmas?” The answer to that question matters, but the fact that the question is being asked matters more.  

Buddhist philosophy and writers like Echkhart Toll talk about “the power of now.” One of Anne’s superpowers, in addition to summoning positivity in ways many could not, is her readiness to figure out what opportunities she has right now. Without Anne here, the last month and a half would not have included: learning how to devein leafy greens machete-style, dancing to pop Christmas carols around the fireplace, playing online bar trivia with extended family, discovering wifi controlled outlets that automate your Christmas lights, taking an online cooking class to make steamed potstickers and dumplings from scratch, tennis lessons using our long levers to get more power, new recipe ideas, a photo shoot following a makeup tutorial, board games at night, cheesy Hallmark Christmas movies, terrible reality TV shows, speaking in hilarious British/Australian/Scottish/Not-sure-what-that-was accents, and in general a lot more laughing, dancing, good food and positive attitude than this house has seen in a long time.

What more can we ever ask of ourselves but to wake up each morning and ask: What’s within the realm of possible and what would we like to do with this day? The options may not be limitless, but we make choices. How we interact with others, whether it’s time for rest, achievement, reflection, a little fun, or doing something for others. Anne decided to take a chance when she came out here, not knowing for sure if she’d be able to arrange treatment to stay or would be going back home after Thanksgiving. We are so lucky that we were all working and learning from home (imagine that, disappointment becomes an opportunity) and in a position that she could come join our bubble.

If not, I would have never had the chance to listen to her teach classes and give oral exams to her students, connect with colleagues, present to a girl scout troop, plan for her sabbatical next year, keep building the strength and capacity of her university and department—she has such conviction, operates from a place of curiosity and caring that I’ve always admired in her.

I remind myself and my family often: Every life contains 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows. Both. It’s a package deal. Anne brought us so many joys in this six weeks of living together. I’m so glad she chose to come, and that mom was there supportive as ever not only to join us but to also to make the calls to transfer treatment and make it happen. 

This lovely (though long-ish) piece a friend forwarded me by Ann Patchett after Anne left expresses better than I can how being together brought about our “best selves.” 

It wasn’t a conscious effort, it was a natural consequence of being given a special opportunity. And also a pretty predictable outcome of focusing on someone other than ourselves. I thanked my family for being such wonderful people to share a home and this life with after Anne left. And this is my way of thanking Anne too for all the joys she adds to our list of 10,000.

If I could have just written a haiku, it may have been…

When time starts to shift

priorities refocus,

love and family endure.

Or a 6-word memoir inspired by her visit…

These moments, living life with conviction.

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From my bro-in-law Adam, who I describe as someone that is annoyingly good at an annoying number of things...

The girl who wanted to be the best at everything.

I met my future sister-in-law when she was 7 years old. The early images in my head of Anne don’t match the pictures in our photo album. Anne’s ambition and determination never matched her little body. My earliest memory of Anne was her outward skepticism toward me when her oldest sister brought me home to meet the family. I expected skepticism from a protective father, but not from a second grader. Perhaps this is why I’ve never attached age with Anne. She is the most timeless person I know.

Fortunately, Anne’s skepticism of me quickly faded. She was a bridesmaid in our wedding when she was just 11 years old. Her first dance with a boy was with my groomsman, Eli. It always seemed totally normal to me that Anne was part of the wedding party, that is until my daughters turned 11.

 Everyone in the family knows the story of Anne believing her mom when she was told as a young child that should could do anything. Most children will take their parent’s encouragement to dream about becoming a movie star, an astronaut, a professional athlete, or maybe even President. Not Anne. “Or” wasn’t part of Anne’s vocabulary. Anne wanted to be the best—not just the best at something—she wanted to be the BEST AT EVERYTHING!

When Anne entered her teens, the realization set in that she couldn’t be the best at everything. She yelled at her mom for “lying” to her. She cried and cried. The realization crushed Anne, but it didn’t defeat her. On both sides of my family, Anne is the 1st person to be a high school valedictorian, the 1st to be a division 1 athlete, the 1st to earn a PhD. She’s also the 1st to have stage IV cancer. 

As I was driving to pick up Anne from the airport, I wondered if the light in her eyes would be dulled by the cancer. I couldn’t imagine how it wouldn’t be. I’ve tried projecting myself in Anne’s shoes countless times over the past half decade, and each time I find it absolutely mind numbing. 

When I pulled up to the curb, Anne dragged over 200 lbs of ABC luggage, wearing what looked like to be an end-of-days nuclear-winter gas mask. She took off the mask when she got in the car. I was relieved when the light was still there. 

Although Anne’s childhood dream of being the best at everything remains a dream, she has become the best at the most important thing, and that’s living life. She’s an amazing human being, a true inspiration. It was wonderful having Anne live with us for the past few months. We never knew what would happen from one day to the next, but we definitely knew it would be worth waking up for, and everyday the light from Anne’s life brightened the light in our lives. 

Balance to Start the New Year

 Well what a couple of first weeks of 2021 it’s been, huh? This isn’t the place for politics but if you think the storming of the capitol was anything but sad and disgusting, PLEASE let me know.  I’d love to “debate” that with you. :). In all seriousness though, there’s been some early stress from 2021 and we’re only 2 weeks in!  

Since last posting, I wrapped up my amazing trip out west and time with the family (a guest blog post from them may be forthcoming...).  It was fairly uneventful...some more pickle ball, hikes, cookies a little bit of back to remote work (and remote school for the girls). 

  

 I flew home from Grand Junction, with a fairly easy 3 flight day, able to be masked up except when I sat alone in a corner to eat.

A little bit of excitement when I got home and couldn’t get in my house (I love that Amy was concerned about security and locked deadbolts and door handles but I hadn’t taken a key...guess I learned to not rely on smart locks).  Fortunately, Nate and Maura had picked me up from the airport so I was able to crash at their place.  Conveniently, they live across the street from the Cancer Center so I could walk to my chemo treatment the next day while my landlord opened up my house for me.  Sidenote: Riley did not scratch my eyes out in anger for being gone.  I may have bribed her with wet food and treats but we’ve resumed snuggles and all seems to be well.

First dose of Round 3 of Abraxane went well.  I have to admit I loved being back at my ‘little clinic’ vs fancy Stanford.  They are super efficient (I was in at 9:30 and out before 11:30).  It’s nice they know me by name, I can walk in and sit down, and when it came to scheduling, we were able to just grab the doc walking by and ask him a couple questions.  I’ll do a CT scan at the end of the month after the end of this round to see whether the poison is working on the right stuff.

My labs that got drawn prior to my treatment showed that my days at altitude paid off!  That and probably the extra break week.  I actually had NORMAL red and white blood cell counts.  I was pretty stoked about that, especially because I had the silly idea to still do the half marathon I had signed up for the next day.

Alexis, my BFF and heterosexual life partner would be running in MN (we originally were going to meet up in Phoenix to do so but #COVID killed that plan) and Elizabeth would be joining me here in Dayton.  I went into it with the goal of finishing, since I basically had only trained 4 weeks about 2 months ago and hadn’t run any since.  We were surprised by a really nice day (the sun even came out!).  I jog-walked the first few and last few miles, while walking the middle.  Just under 3 and a half hours later (that was my time goal), we finished! Elizabeth was so sweet as to print out the virtual run materials (mile markers to tear up, my bib) and even got Eric to come out and join the last bit.  Fuck. You. Lung. Nodules.  

  

My conservative approach left me feeling not that terrible...shins a little sore, but otherwise pretty good.  I felt accomplished, dare I say proud of myself (my therapist would love that I’m complimenting myself).  Not that many people who do a half-marathon (at any speed) the day after chemo (I of course then googled chemo and marathons later and there are a lot of other bad asses out there too...but I’ll try to not let that bother me).  

So I was feeling good!  Rewarded myself with some takeout (empty fridge post travel), some TV and some relaxing.  I deserved it, right?  Unpacking could wait!

And here’s where the balance comes in.

I’ve been fortunate that most of my updates have been happy and positive and dare I say optimistic.  But there’s always a balance.  

I crashed.  And I crashed hard.

The takeout? The TV? It continued.  Through Sunday.  And Monday.  And Tuesday.  It took me till today and having an in person meeting at work to shower and get dressed.  My one suitcase is still unpacked and a load of laundry remains in the dryer.  

For all those steps I got on Saturday, I think I probably got 100 each of the last few days.  Bed, couch, bathroom, fridge, door, couch, bathroom, couch, bed.  Repeat.  

I thought this might happen.  I always have a bit of a ‘come down’ after adventures, particularly with my family.  It’s not even just the negative thinking (that’s there too...I won’t have a family, I’m out of shape, what if it’s not working, I need to get my finances in order, what if that was the last time, etc, etc, etc) but it’s also because I can.  There’s no one there to see it.  No one there to call me on my shit.  I have good friends that sent along wellness checks....they know.  Mom knows that I might ignore a call.  I get by...I had a few ‘must do’ things that I did...if I was filling out the depression screener PHQ-9, for the question of “how difficult have these feelings made doing your work, normal things” etc question, I wouldn’t have been in the ‘impossible’ category, but I would have been in the ‘very difficult’.  

I think it was worse because of the length and greatness of my little bubble experience.  Even just not having hair anymore...last time I was home I did.  If I went into the office and saw people I might have to deal with that...bust out the headscarfs I guess (beanies seem less work appropriate).  The pity party was real and I was the only guest.  It was a rager.

It’s not easy for me to say it, especially in this ‘public’ forum.  Lord knows that I’m not a fan of being vulnerable and showing weakness...  I’m sharing as a way of forcing myself into acceptance...forcing myself to acknowledge.  Notice and name.  Sadness.  Depression.  Loneliness.  Familiar friends I know I can overcome, I know I have tools to deal with.  Gratitude helps.  Gratitude for the great time that was had.  For the wonderful family I have.  The beautiful places I was able to be.  

Balance.

I have to share the good and the bad.  I’m not going to sugar coat it.  The holidays can be hard.  My nieces were making these amazing goals for the year and I couldn’t bring myself to think about any for myself because who knows where I’ll be in a year.  Last year at this time I was applying to jobs in CO, thinking about upending my life.  Well it got upended, just not the way I planned.  Seeing happy families can be hard if you’re single, whether you have cancer or not.  But the cancer makes the likelihood of it ever happening even less.  The chain of great Christmas photo cards I got while away makes me smile, grateful for having those people in my life, but also a bit sad, knowing it isn’t my reality or future.  I don’t feel like things are working.  I’ll be so pleasantly surprised if they are. I think about it.

So here I am...at work, with appointments the next couple of days, that will at least get me out of bed.  I’ll still lay low this weekend (I’m sort of quarantining post travel anyways for COVID safety....I say sort of because when I ended up staying at Nate and Maura’s I did unmask, though we stayed distanced).  I’ll probably watch more Grey’s Anatomy reruns (rewatching gives a sense of calm and is a way to deal with anxiety....anyone else do this during the pandemic?).  I at least did order groceries so can cut down on the DoorDash orders.  

Getting through the tough times is much easier knowing I have such a supportive team in my corner. I don’t always accept the help or want to talk, but I know it’s there and it really does help.  Thank you all.

Closing Out 2020

It’s been a few weeks since posting again, and again, the reasoning is that I’ve been busy enjoying family, fun, holidays, etc.  A good reminder that in the dumpster fire that is 2020, there has still been plenty of good!

I completed two more rounds of my chemo at Stanford in their infusion/outpatient center.  (Insert mini-rant about health insurance being stupid and how the billing is different and I was surprised by a $800 bill (vs not getting charged for treatments at home).  Thankfully, I’ve reached my max out of pocket for the year so the 2nd and 3rd treatments are fully covered...apparently they bill the cost of the drug at like $40,000, discounted for insurance of course, but then still pretty high coming back to me.  Thankful for good coverage, a mom who makes phone calls for me to figure this stuff out and a relatively healthy financial position to deal with it.  But seriously, when people say having cancer is like having a job, it’s dealing with this shit that they may be referring to).  

Chemo with a view!

Both treatments went fine, with no real additional side effects, though I’ve learned that a good nap the afternoon post treatment is helpful.  I try not to let the bit of fatigue slow me down too much though.  Newton’s first law...objects in motion stay in motion...  For example, the one day I got to help my niece with her Dance PE final and perform her choreography to a song from In the Heights.  

The Bechtel fam has kept me entertained and busy.  Some spontaneous fun always seems to happen with this bunch.  Carmen started talking in a British accent and that has been a source of plenty of laughs over the past few weeks.  A makeup tutorial/masterclass watching turned into a full on photo shoot, including the never forgotten line after I had a coughing fit (in a British accent of course...) “It’s not the COVID, it’s the cancer!!!”.

This is a better ‘top shot’ than ‘empty eyes!’

Most of early December was busy working, doing the oral exams that I have my physio kids do.  Since I have a hard time keeping my voice down, I think my sister picked up a fair amount of knowledge on muscle contraction, glucose regulation, steps of an action potential, and how we regulate blood pressure!

We tried to keep up the holiday cheer by a big baking day at Sarah’s house, with a very special little helper dude.

Myles the mixer man

I spent the weekend at Sarah’s which was nice again to be able to enjoy not one but 2 siblings and their families while we sheltered in place (they’ve been bubbling together most of quarantine).  

I’ve been missing the Boise crew, but we’ve done plenty of FaceTiming to keep up all connected.

Goooo Dayton Flyers!

I enjoyed more sunshine lunches on the deck, backyard walks in the redwoods as finals week wrapped up. My mom arrived (after a quarantine and negative tests) and we did a bit of an early Christmas with Sarah and fam before getting ready for the next stage of the adventure...heading to Colorado for Christmas/New Years.  I’m so grateful to have the opportunity to ‘stay at home’ in such lovely homes in such lovely places.  And the novelty of changing locales definitely helps with the mental side.  

Karyn, Mom and I made the 16 hr drive to the ranch in Glade Park, passing the time with our British/Australian/Irish/Indian accents (we all have our preferred ones...) playing state-line present games, dealing with some snow, and hanging with the cats (who handled the trip quite well!).  

Christmas morning brought a bit of excitement when we forgot to open the flu of the fireplace....

Some heroic moving of burning wood, vacuum-filtering the air, and a break for homemade cinnamon rolls later and we were back in business, enjoying an overly generous Christmas morning.  

We partook in some pickle ball, tournament style with the extended Bechtel crew that afternoon.

When I say my family is awesome, I don’t just mean my immediate family.  I’m really lucky to have kind and generous in-laws of siblings that welcome us into their celebrations, time together, etc.  I think it’s why Grand Junction still feels like a bit of “home” even though I haven’t lived there for 2 decades and was only there for 5 years.  

We opted to skip the fancy Christmas dinner and do pizzas instead, delaying our ‘holiday meal’ til the day after Christmas.   Beef Wellington, courtesy of Gordon Ramsey’s masterclass.  Well worth the effort!

We’ve been filling our days with games, Apple Fitness+ dancing, new RingFit for the Switch, naps, and lots of good food.  

When I say I’m lucky, I mean it.  The next stop on this holiday enjoyment tour was Telluride!  Just a few hour drive from Junction and a place the generous Grandma and Grandpa Bechtel have had a condo in for many years.  It definitely feels more like winter here (though we did get a beautiful dumping of snow the night before we left Glade Park).  

I had decided I wanted to do a day of downhill (morbidly thinking that I wasn’t sure when/if I’d be back to a mountain).  It had been nearly a decade since the last time (in Lake Louise, Canada on a work trip...add that to the gratitude list!).  I’m significantly heavier, have low blood counts, and am in the middle of IV chemo, it;’s 12000 ft at summit...what could go wrong?  Well it was a pretty great day, albeit a little short and a little frustrating.  Carmen and I were lucky to have blue skies and sun, a bit of fresh snow, and a wonderful mountain.  

#Twinning in our sweet Loki (local GJ company) jackets.

The lift lines were pretty long and a little nerve wracking with COVID.  Most people had face coverings as required, though not all were wearing properly.  Things moved a little slower since they were only loading chairs with single groups or with a space between on the quads.  I picked things back up quickly enough on the hill but just was really feeling it in my legs.  And, despite the fact I normally don’t have a very good fear-based braking mechanism for my actions, was having to take some breaks when I felt like I was maybe too tired to be safe.   

One of my favorite parts about Telluride Mountain is the See Forever run... a fairly cruiser blue off the summit at 12,200 feet.  

“I’m just going to sit for a bit Carmen..”

Well, considering I took my pulse ox at summit at 80%, it’s probably not surprising I was feeling it quite a bit.  I decided to call it a day after that.  I was pretty frustrated and was cursing my lung nodules and letting myself go this year (COVID + cancer + emotional eating is not a good combo).  I had to try and remind myself that just being out there was a bit of an accomplishment, #outlivingit, and a little bit of bad assery.  My morbid thought of the day was that I guess I’ll just have to live till another winter and get in better shape so I can ski better.  Perhaps it’s more motivational than morbid, probably depends on your perspective.  

And that brings us to today, New Year’s Eve.  I’ve been doing a lot of mental reflecting back on the year, as I think most do.  The challenges of COVID have obviously touched us all.  Throw my cancer diagnosis on top of that and it’s been quite the year, to say the least.  There’s been a fair share of “suck”, but I can’t forget the good things as well.  Professionally, I’ve continued to progress, transitioned out of an interim chair role, started a major research project, continued to build strong relationships with students and colleagues.  Personally, while my health hasn’t been the best, both in terms of general fitness/weight as well as the cancer, I’ve felt more confident and comfortable in myself (woo hoo 30s).  I’ve managed the pandemic pretty well so far, staying safe but also living my life and taking advantage of some adventuring in responsible ways.  I got through the semester and reinforced the fact that caring about your students goes a long way, and simply being a real human can be some of the best pedagogy of all.  

We’re not out of the woods yet folks.  Tonight, when the clock strikes midnight, I have no illusions of everything getting back to normal.  I’ve been delighted to see so many of my friends in healthcare who have already received their first vaccine dose and am happy for the hope it has provided.  Yet, as things continue to roll out, I’m sure there will be unrest over distribution, anti-fax nonsense, etc.  I’ve seen some bat-shit crazy posts on social media about a civil war being the next step to solving the divide in our country.  Seriously, WTF.  I recognize it’s been hard, and at varying levels for all, but let’s not get out of hand.  Hopefully as things begin to open back up, people’s fear response and heightened defensiveness will settle down a bit.      

I’ve made/remade my plans for going home.  Originally, I was supposed to meet up with some friends at my mom’s in Phoenix to run the virtual Disney half marathon.  But with ongoing COVID concerns that seemed unwise, so instead I’ll attempt to do it at home after flying back on the 7th out of GJ (an extra short flight and airport, so will get comfy in my N95!).  I haven’t really trained since moving to infusion chemo, so likely will just walk it all, but will be some nice planned activity to get me out of the house.  

I’ll also be able to do my next treatment on the 8th, minimizing the length of my extended break.  3 more rounds and then I think we’ll scan.  I’m anxious to see if this stuff is working.  Otherwise, I’ll self-quarantine post travel for a bit and get back to work.   It’ll be nice to see Riley again (she’s been in good hands! Thanks Amy!), to have my own routine, but I am so going to miss the family.  I’m prepping myself for some serious post-visit blues, and will have to find plenty to distract myself from it all.  That and remind myself how lucky I’ve been to be able to spend the last 6 weeks like I have.  

Happy New Year’s folks!  I wish you a 2021 full of things to be grateful for.  Let us take away the good from 2020, and leave behind the bad.  Keep staying smart and safe and look forward to the good times ahead.