Diagnosed with breast cancer a month before my 29th birthday...AND THEN diagnosed Stage IV during a pandemic in 2020...keeping those who care up to date.
It’s Monday morning and rather than having a ‘normal’ routine of getting up and heading to the office, I decided to clean my house. I could (should) have done it yesterday, after getting home from a gold-medal performance in the annual corn maze competition and a less-than-stellar pretzel festival (with minimal pretzels). But alas, instead I watched the dominating end to the Ryder Cup (one of sports’ best events) and a sub-par movie I couldn’t remember the plot to (Oblivion w/ Tom Cruise).
Welcome to sabbatical.
First, let me get out of the way that the idea of sabbatical is sort of crazy and also brilliant?? I time for focus and refresh? That you ‘earn’ periodically? Perhaps this is one thing us silly academics have gotten right.
Am I getting sabbatical right? It’s hard to say. It’s an adjustment, for sure. I’m sort of treating it like extended summer, and since I’ve always worked over summers (and had research support) that maybe makes sense? But in reality, I’m still trying to figure out the best balance. How to not feel guilty about the free scheduling and taking time when I want it. How to set a writing schedule and actually stick to it. How to balance being here as needed and yet taking advantage of the flexibility. Throw the whole terminal cancer thing on top of it, and it’s quite the interesting mental problem!
I’m not required to do any ‘service’ activities at work…go to meetings, do all the things besides teaching and research that we do. But it’s really hard to stay away. Hard because I care (which ultimately is a good thing) and hard because as a childless single person, for better or worse, my work is a big part of my legacy. The students I’ve had, the programs I’ve helped change and grow. My influence comes largely from my work and the people I’ve interacted with there. So, knowing that the years may be limited, it’s tough to convince myself to fully ‘take a year off’. Because what if it’s my last year? What if there isn’t time after to get back into things? So I still pay attention, and engage. And actually, that whole ‘space to think’ thing really actually makes it easy to think and ponder the good and bad and future of what the work means. So the current challenge is to be nice to myself and not feel bad and beat myself up over it.
I’m privileged to have projects going that will move forward, so the ‘success’ of my sabbatical work (from the research side) will happen, I’m not worried about that. It’s more this balance and making sure that I do get that sense of refreshment that I’m more concerned with. #academicproblems #spoilediknow #noticeandname #notcomplaining
Since last posting, in addition to settling in to sabbatical I settled in to the new place! I’m loving it! While I spend more time in my car for sure, the openness, daylight, and garage are great. I’m still on the struggle bus of getting back to my workout routine, but the home gym gives a daily reminder…. The purging I did prior to moving was helpful, and I’m feeling less cluttered. Refreshing photo frames also reminded me of all the wonderful people and places and memories I’ve been lucky to have.
Gallery walls…a pain in the ass to hang, but great to look at…
Riley Cat managed to do well her first weekend alone, last week when I was lucky enough to go to…CANCER CAMP!
CfR hosts retreats for women with breast cancer and teaching fly fishing. The tagline ‘to fish is to hope’ may seem a bit cheesy, but I see why they use it. Friday afternoon I found myself driving to central Ohio, NE of Columbus for what I thought would be an enjoyable weekend. I had some apprehension about the amount of ‘support-group-like’ time we’d spend (since that’s not my favorite) but the agenda seemed filled with enough activity. And hey, it’s free, it’s outside, and since taking a class in CO I’ve always wanted to fly fish, so may as well take advantage of the ‘perks’ of cancer.
From my arrival, I could tell these people were serious about the ‘pampering’ we were to enjoy (they wouldn’t even let me park my own car a mere 50 feet from the front door, and carried my bags to my room). I was an earlier arrival, but over time, a number (10 I think) of wonderful women arrived. There was a mix of more recently diagnoses, those who had survived for awhile. I think I was the youngest, though not be a lot (and the ladies were young in spirit!) and I think the only metastatic.
The weekend was planned really well…enough of the emotional shit with enough activities to keep us busy. Having a winery next to the lodge was also a benefit. I sometimes find it hard to get out of professor/facilitator mode and really just relax and enjoy, but I had a great time.
Sunday we got on the water after practicing casts, learning to tie flies, and the basics of fly fishing. I caught a few (one literally jumped on my line, at my feet) and enjoyed the time with my ‘river helper’. The generosity of him, the staff, and the many, many supporters of the organization and event is really remarkable. We got so much swag! Thoughtful gifts, useful gifts, tasty gifts. We were truly showered in love and support, from many people we hadn’t ever met.
The further you hold it from you the bigger it looks…
Wooly Bugger!
Sometimes I feel a little guilty about this…I’ll be honest. Like I didn’t do anything to get cancer. And all I’ve really done is listen to my doctors, take my meds, do the thing. Have a really ‘earned’ this love? These gifts? These opportunities? Maybe since being stage 4 it feels a bit more deserving. Hard to say. And yet I’ve also had it ‘worse’ than a lot of other people, and I don’t really criticize them for it. And the cancer camp experience does help. It helps me be ‘good at cancer’…which I also feel when I’m there. Staying in the moment and not being judgmental…much easier said than done. And also, I definitely put my name in for more cancer camps that I found out about while I was there! (Colorado? Hawaii? Yes please!)
So what’s next…treatment on Friday, which makes 3…which means we’ll rescan in a bit, after I escape to California for a couple weeks. We will see if the magic koolaid is doing anything and I’ll learn more about what the next 3 months may look like. I got my COVID booster a couple weeks back, had a day of suck after, but well worth the increased protection.
In the meantime, I’ll enjoy my slow mornings of breakfast and coffee while reading my Daily Stoic. And, try as much as I can to live out what I wrote on the prayer flag at cancer camp…
It’s been over a month since I last blogged, and what a month it was! All good things really, so that’s the summary…things still good, living my best life, etc. For those interested in more details, read on.’
Last I left you, I had just spent some amazing family time in Colorado at the ranch (which is in the final process of being sold…a long time coming, and a good move for the family. How lucky we all were for so many great times there!). I was only home for a night and then I was off again, this time to Lake Placid NY! A collaborator had invited Paige, my summer research student and I to join his group doing some field data collection at a rugby tournament hosted there. The project has been a multi year effort to collect data post-match, specifically looking at concussed players. In the ‘say yes’ spirit, I agreed and worked it out for Paige and I. We flew into Burlington, drove over to NY (via the ferry!) and spent some time walking streets of Lake Placid before the rest of the crew arrived. The next few days were hard, rainy, busy work, collecting a ton of data. We planned a couple extra days on the back end, and spent them hiking, bobsledding (did you know this is a thing at the Olympic training center?!), and eating good food. I’m so lucky to have such a stellar student and one who was pretty fun to travel with. It was great to be able to show her new things (staying in a B&B, new foods, always jump in the lake! etc) and she was great company. She also arranged the sweetest gift…a photo book including notes from lab alumni over the years. It was super heart warming and something I‘ll always treasure. If you haven’t been to the Adirondacks, I highly recommend! So beautiful. It was fitting my only other time there was my first First Descents trip, more than 5 years ago. A lot has changed since then, but it’s still a beautiful place.
Back home, it was a busy few days of getting caught back up at work, working on some projects, and then it was time for Treatment 1 of the new drug, Doxil. Doxil is the ‘red devil’ or ‘magic koolaid’ as I prefer to call it.
It’s fairly common to have a reaction the first time, sort of like an allergic-type response. I did, but it cleared with some additional steroid and benedryl. Points towards my ‘best cancer patient ever’campaign in that the nurses said I was probably the calmest person they’ve ever seen who was starting to have a reaction! Probably was able to keep my cool because I remember the feeling from when I got a similar drug first time around. Since then (it’s really impressive how fast cancer progress goes) they’ve reformulated it so it better targets just the cancer cells, meaning that I should keep my hair! As grey as it is :). The side effects were not present—>minimal. Perhaps a little fatigue, which is such a hard thing to really judge.
After treatment, I enjoyed spending time with my good friend Kevin that was in town for a visit as well as an old college friend Rachel who was visiting her in laws. I’m so lucky to have long term friends that I can be totally honest with…whether it’s talking about end of life decisions, finances, the latest meme, and everything in between.
Since I’m on sabbatical, I had strategically planned a backpacking trip in northern Michigan the week before classes started in order to force myself to disconnect from the meetings, emails, preparations for the semester. I drove up to Lansing and from there, Erica, Ted and I headed up to Painted Rocks in the UP.
So. Amazing.
Seriously, what a beautiful place! There’s a 50 mi through hike of backcountry sites…Erica and I did about half, (3 nights backcountry), Ted did the whole thing. 20+ miles of hiking with 35 lb pack…take that you stupid lung nodules! We also kayaked, explored Grand Island, and I had my phone in airplane mode and didn’t use a screen for 6 days. Magical.
We totally lucked out on weather (it was perfect). Hiking with 2 other physiology professors was probably a little nerdier than some might like, but was perfect for me. I got some pretty gnarly blisters that I toughed out (Erica tells me I downplayed it a bit much…), the black flies were super annoying on some beach afternoons, but overall, it was just a really great time. 10/10 recommend.
I was heading to Chicago for Tucci’s birthday after and it worked out I got to drive through and see Sonja at her place in Iron Mountain (I essentially circumnavigated Lake Michigan on this trip). It was great see her and her people, even if for just a night. I arrived in Chicago on the day of Tucci’s 95th birthday celebration. That stubborn ol’ lady still hanging in! It was great to see some cousins and extended family. We celebrated Monday, her actual birthday with Portillo’s cemetery trip, and driving around ‘the old neighborhood’. It’s kind of crazy to think of everything she has seen in nearly a century of life! Thanks to technology we connected with the whole family one day on FaceTime…it’s understandable how it’s hard for Tucci to keep track of us all!
From Chicago, Mom rode back to Dayton with me to help with the big move! As I said before, I was downsizing/simplifying a little from the house I was renting to an apartment home rental, a little further in the ‘burbs, but with no yard work, single story, attached garage, etc. Mom is a packing machine! We figured out she’s helped with 11 moves and in that time only one kitchen item has ever broke. She’s seriously like a professional! We divided the work over a few days (I of course had to draw up a schedule), with some days having me go to the office for a bit to get some work done. Movers came on a rainy day (ugh) that thankfully lightened up, and we unloaded on Tuesday and then spent the next couple days unpacking. It felt slow to her and I, but being totally unpacked in only 4 days isn’t too terrible…
I love the new place! It’s bright and clean and my stuff works really well in it. I’m excited for a dishwasher and a big kitchen and the garage is already coming in handy. Riley has adjusted well, finding plenty of new places to explore (she’s mastered the counter, fridge, top of cabinet move).
It was so great having Mom here for 2 whole weeks! We got to visit with friends, see folks she had met on study abroad, had some really delicious meals, watch a lot of tennis, and in general spend some quality time together. Mom also got to accompany me to a doctor’s visit, where all was well…the plan will be to rescan in November to see if the Doxil is working. My doc is keen to work around holiday schedules (Chicago for Thanksgiving with Mom and Tucci, Christmas in Boise followed by whole family fun through New Years), which I appreciate. I had treatment 2 on Friday, and all went well again. Hard to tell if the napping after is really due to the drug or just because my couch is pretty damn comfy :).
Yesterday, Mom and close friends helped celebrate my 36th birthday.
I know you’re not supposed to say what you wished for, but I’ll share…I wished for another birthday. They hit a little different when you have a terminal disease, I’ll be honest. Mom kept saying that if she didn’t know better, she’d not think I was ‘sick’, and honestly, this past month or so, I’ve probably felt the same. I hiked, I packed, I did what I needed to do. But there was also a lot of time for reflection. Floating in a mountain lake in NY, hiking the ridge looking at Lake Superior, sitting in zoom meetings (at home, in Chicago, in the chemo chair). A lot of thinking has gone on.
I wish I could be more profound or articulate better where I’m at or what it all means. For now, I really am just focused on trying to enjoy the moment. The bit of respite that sabbatical has provided has been welcomed (though I think it also shows me I couldn’t not work/do something). The people I’ve gotten to spend time with are so special to me. As part of moving, I purged A LOT. For many reasons, I think it’s always something you should do when you move, I reread Marie Kondo’s Art of Tidying, and practically speaking, at some point when my family has to go through my stuff when I’m no longer here, it’ll be less for them to do. I’m a bit of a sentimental pack rat so it wasn’t the easiest task. I did take the KonMari approach though of thanking things for their service…for what they’ve done for me, or in my life. It’s a little cheesy, sure, and Mom was cracking up sometimes, but it’s true! I am grateful! And it does make it a bit easier to pass things along. Gratitude has maybe been one of the best strategies I have to deal with the shit parts of life, so I might as well apply it to downsizing as well.
So this past month plus, I’m grateful…for the travels, the time off the grid, family and friends, a successful move, and a birthday. Upcoming I have a fly fishing trip in Ohio with a cancer group, getting back to working more, a trip to California in October, a COVID booster shot on Friday, and a treatment the first week in October. Until the next time…
I’ve been watching the olympics, as I’m sure you all have too. I will always be in awe of the balance beam. The skill, strength, precision, and ability to block out the risk just makes this event so amazing to watch.
Balance also happens to be my mom’s favorite word and favorite concept. I’ve got gifts with the word on it, I used it as a theme for the latest science-audience post I wrote about my cancer and teaching, and as a high schooler I wrote about how the balance of the universe and conservation of mass was my favorite concept.
So this post will have balance. Good, and bad. Smiles and tears. Highs and lows. I’d rather end on a high note, so let’s start with the downside.
Two weeks ago, I went in for a CT scan, my ‘routine’ after 3 rounds of a treatment to see whether the cancer had grown, stabilized, or shrunk. 2/3 options would be “good news”. But, you know, I like to be special, and I always expect the worse, and my expectations were met. The cancer grew. My lung nodules got bigger, almost doubling in size, despite the infusion chemo of Halavan I had been getting 2/3 weeks for the past 3 months.
So that sucks.
Another bullet shot out of the gun.
Another drug crossed off the list.
Shit news. That I actually read on the toilet! Haha, I couldn’t wait to get back to my office after seeing the MyChart notification. Oh the instant-always connected world we live in!
I texted my family, met up with a friend for lunch and then had to prepare a presentation I gave that afternoon. Sometimes you just got to fake it till you make it, put on a smile and get shit done.
I wouldn’t be seeing my doctor until till Friday. So of course, as per usual, I spent the next couple days rereading clinical treatment guidance, scientific studies, my previous tumor genetic reports, etc.
When I saw my doc, we wallowed in mutual dissatisfaction and then got to talking about potential next steps. I really respect him and his process and he said he wasn’t ready to make a decision, wanted to consult the breast specialist from Indiana University I previously saw, check with a radiologist on the read of the CT. That was great, because I told him I wasn’t going to change my plans for the next 2 weeks of travel and fun.
The next week, he called with a plan. There’s a clinical trial that would be good to try, but enrollment is currently paused for a few months. So instead, we will continue going down the list of traditional therapies and move on to a new infusion chemo drug, Doxil. This drug is similar to what I had upon my first diagnosis ~6 years ago. But, since then, they’ve improved the delivery of it, so side effects are less. I might even get to keep my hair! The nice thing is it’s only a once a month infusion, so hopefully scheduling won’t be too terrible or interfere with already made plans. It isn’t a drug I can stay on long-term though, as it is cardiotoxic (bad for the heart). Hence, I have a heart echo scheduled for when I get back into town.
So yeah. Not great news. Getting worse, not better. One more option gone. But some options ahead perhaps. We may eventually need to re-biopsy the lung to confirm the exact tumor type, which could also open more options potentially (some drugs only for some tumor types).
But the good news! The balance!
After getting the shit news and discussing with my doc, it was only 2 days later that I got to pick up my sister and niece and head to Cedar Point. We spent Monday chilling on the beach till it was time to pick up my nephew who flew in also.
A dinner of “amusement park” style Hibachi to celebrate his arrival capped off the night. Tuesday was a super full day of fun at the park. Thankfully, more rides accommodated larger riders, so I rode a bunch and had a great time.
We stayed that night as well, driving back to Dayton the next day. Unfortunately, a nasty head cold made its rounds through my nephew, niece and I, so the next few days were pretty chill. My sister left Thursday early to go prepare the Colorado ranch for the family’s arrival. My niece, nephew and I checked out the Air Force Museum (so cool, and my nephew’s knowledge of history is amazing), ordered food, and were nice enough to accompany me to campus for my student’s presentation.
We Top Golfed on the way to the airport and had a pretty seamless travel out west. Destination: Grand Junction then up the Monument to the Dirty Boot!
It had been since Christmas 2019 the whole family had gotten together (#thanksCOVID) so I was super excited to spend some time with everyone! And, I love the physical place there. It feels like home, and the desert and mountains just make me smile, even in shit times. The whole clan is 14 strong, with 3 teens, 3 little kids, 3 couples, mom and me. We were the last to arrive and the whole house was asleep, but the next day we began a few days of fun.
Hiking, cooking, olympics watching, a gorgeous lake day (had it all to ourselves!), dance parties, birthday celebrations, games, tacos, dinosaurs, watching thunderstorms, and some planning for this Christmas when we will all hopefully be together again.
I was able to enjoy it all, and often forgot about the cancer, the treatments, etc. But it doesn’t go away. It impacts future plans. It makes it harder to opt for the active option of daily activities. And, combined with the massive head cold/cough, it makes for some serious hacking up of lungs at times. I only got a little sad when I had to say my goodbyes last night. I would be leaving for the airport to catch a 6:30 flight before anyone would be awake, so had to give hugs and goodbyes and then pack and head to bed. With family, I know that if/when things turn downhill, I probably will see them all again, but now there’s always that “is this the last time” worry. In this case, is this the last time that our family time will be like this? Easy, without my cancer causing much interruption. But worrying doesn’t do much good. So as I sit here in Salt Lake City waiting for my flight back to Ohio, I won’t worry. I’ll watch Below Deck (I love my trash TV), people watch, write this overdue post, and move on. In this particular case, I’m moving on to another trip tomorrow, to Lake Placid for work, doing concussion testing post injury at a big rugby tournament (with some fun mixed in).
The break in treatments has been kind of nice. I can’t say I feel that much stronger, better, less fatigued…even though it’s been like a 3 week vacation. But mentally, it’s been nice to not have the appointments. I’m actually looking forward to having my new treatment schedule, which I should get next week when I’m back.
As always, thanks for the good thoughts. Keep on keeping on.
For those who have been following since the beginning of the metastatic diagnosis early in 2020, you’re familiar with my ABC motto…Adventures? Yes. Bullshit? No. Cancer? Fuck off. Well, June has been a month of trying to live up to this motto and I think I’ve been fairly successful!
First, the medical update. I completed round 2 of Halavan. Round 1 actually wasn’t without some difficulty (sore throat, elevated liver enzymes, fatigue). A small dose reduction was made and round 2 went much better. I’m halfway through round 3, and after this one, we will scan (mid July) to see what if any progress has been made. May blood tumor marker was in the ‘right’ direction (down), but the markers only tell so much of the story. Physically, I’m still doing fairly well, though I have developed a bit of neuropathy (numbness, tingling) in my left hand mostly. It isn’t too terrible yet, just makes typing a bit more interesting!
Now on to the adventures!
Along with a busy summer of research, I had planned a few trip for June. First, was to get out to Colorado and see some friends, I hadn’t since New Years 2020 (when A LOT of things were different!). So after a Friday treatment, I headed to Cincy to fly out to Denver. Friday I got to catch up with a great FD friend Flash for some dinner…
And spent the rest of the night with Cat and her family. Saturday morning was grad school reunion style of Cat, Nat, Leora and I plus families…
Then it was off to the mountains with Cat and Leora to head to the Mt. Princeton Hot Springs. I’ll let the pics speak for themselves in terms of how unique and cool this place was. So much fun to hang, stay the night, and wake up to relax mountain-side (and go down the slide!).
Lunch in Buena Vista (BV for the locals…) and then back down to town, dropping Cat off and heading to Louisville with Leora, where she’d be my wonderful host for the next couple of days.
I spent Monday hiking (not to the top with my current fitness, but still getting my steps in!) at Chautauqua Park and the Flatirons….
Before I headed up to the Fort to meet up with grad school mentors and friends Jen and Frank. It was great to catch up, and the beer and food at Crown Pub is still enjoyable. Tuesday, I enjoyed a walk out Leora’s backyard that was nearly as beautiful as the day before and then headed to CU to meet a collaborator I had only seen on Zoom screens to that point. A Pearl Street lunch, coffee with LJG and I was on my way to the airport, via dinner with Rachel, a great friend from UD. All my high school friends have now moved back to MN, but it’s still so fun to spend time with friends from various points in my life while I’m in one of my favorite states!
Back in Ohio, I stayed busy in the lab with my wonderful students. Working hard and having fun (and extending my mentoring to suggesting the kids pack at the movie theater…thanks Mom for that smart snacking advice!).
We even had an “insta famous” moment, when Adam Grant, author of Think Again commented on our post about his great book. Social media isn’t always all bad!
A day of hooky at Kings Island with Diana and fam was fun, though sort of depressing as my new bad ass cancer fighting body is also a little big for some of the roller coaster rides….additional motivation for healthy living I guess.
The latest adventure was of epic proportions! Some of my high school friends were able to find the time in their busy lives to come down and adventure with me! The idea came up in conversation with Alexis, about how this year was the 15th anniversary of my dad’s passing. And, that I had said I was going to spread his ashes in WV where he used to raft, got me into it, etc, but hadn’t yet. So, why not? Why not go and do it? So we did!
Sonja arrived Thursday night late, Friday I finished my ‘camp mom’ duties of packing bags of toiletries and necessities, we picked up a rental car and then headed to Cincy to pick up Alexis, Heather and Keely who had flown in from Minneapolis. We spent the 4 hour drive through Kentucky’s rolling hills and into West Virginia playing catch up, singing pop 2K songs, and busting any preconceived notions that ladies are cleaner/less vulgar than men. We rolled into Fayetteville WV, crossing the New River Bridge (America’s Newest National Park!), ready for adventure! Our home for the next two nights would be camping at Adventures on the Gorge, a terrific resort I’ve frequented before.
I’ll be honest…I had to convince the girls a bit that whitewater rafting would be fun and they’d enjoy it. Luckily, I KNOW MY AUDIENCE. It was a fantastic time. We had an AMAZING guide Dusty that we bonded with on and off the river. The weather was great. Me and my big mouth got dumped early (I deserved it). The robust rafting crew did great on the Lower New. Just a few highlight pics…
And yes, I realize that if you haven’t been rafting, rafting pics are pretty lame…we learned that as kids when my dad would always want to show us his pictures. Speaking of Pops, after the great day rafting, celebrating, and going to bed at a time reflective of being in our mid-30s, Sunday was a pretty special day. We drove a little ways over to the put in for the Upper Gauley, the river Dad had rafted with his friends back in the 80s/90s and which had originally brought me to WV (on his suggestion) in college and since. There was a nice spot to say a few words (glad we did the I Am From poems at work last year), spread his ashes, and refill his urn with river rocks representing everyone in the family. It was so nice to have friends with me, especially those that knew my dad and were there alongside of me 15 years ago at the funeral. In true Anne/Crecelius style, there weren’t just tears, but also some laughs (that calm pool didn’t really clear the ashes out as I might have thought….maybe he’s just waiting for dam release and high water!).
A quick waterfall stop on the drive back, more food, laughs, “inappropriate” discussions, and it was time to drop the girls back at the airport for their flight home. Lex put together an amazing video of the trip…it’s about 13 minutes, she included the video from on the river, edited it beautifully.
In true spirit of Lee, have to share the rafting footage…which, let’s be honest, if you havne’t been there, it’s way less exciting to watch!
Sooooo, what about the cancer, Anne?
Right? Like, both of these trips were the day of/after chemo treatment. And I’m bald (though hair growing back)! And dying! How does that all factor in???
Great question. Really. Here’s where’s my head’s at with it. Did I plan these trips in case this is the last time I see some of these people? Absolutely. I sure hope that’s not the case, but who really knows. Time will tell. And, really, I want the people I love and that love me to see me and remember me and spend time with me as ME. Not as some cancer patient devoid of energy and life. I think if you asked most of the people I saw (and I did with some!) they’d say they maybe couldn’t even tell I’m “sick”. Granted, I make my morbid joke a day, lack eyebrows and eyelashes and am at the tip top of weight cycling I’ve done my whole life. Maybe they see that I’m trying to embrace a ‘no bullshit’ mentality. But other than maybe a bit earlier bed time, the trips and adventures were pretty “normal”. Which is exactly what I wanted. This thing I’m living with is in my life, but I’m committed to not making it my entire life, as long as I can. So I’m going to travel, and hike, and maybe those goodbye hugs were just a little tighter, and a little longer.
While I don’t wear a “I have metastatic breast cancer and there’s no cure” t shirt around, I’m not shy about talking about it (clearly). I’ve had folks say some really, really, kind things and do some really kind things this past month as I’ve shared more, met people, done different things, etc. It’s really amazing. Some of the girls and I had a heart to heart after rafting (maaaaybe fueled by those PBR pitchers at the bar), about the future, the unknown, and my likely lack of a presence. But, I do really believe that one’s legacy and impact goes beyond their physical presence and that’s all I hope for myself. My legacy can be in spurring old friends to get together when they normally wouldn’t (or only did when I came to town). It can be in convincing my friends to push their comfort zone and try something they wouldn’t have normally and walk away LOVING it. For my students to ask a new question, have a bit of fun, or just see each other as people.
There’s a constant balance of “the end” and “the fight” (which the whole “fight” thing is lame and dumb and it’s not that people who die of cancer didn’t fight, but it’s such common terminology, it’s hard to avoid it). I waver between the morbid thoughts (‘oh hey, do you want this jacket, because I’ll probably not need it’) to more entertaining morbid thoughts (like when Heather mentioned sky diving and I said “oh hey, I can go for free because I’m dying!) to thoughts that aren’t morbid at all (‘so when are we’re going to do this again?!”). It really kind of depends on the day, my mood, the activity, etc.
This last month I was able to see and spend time with people that have been so important to me in life. I was able to do things I enjoy, to accept new experiences and reminisce about old ones. Today was another great day with the Dayton Fam celebrating Maura’s birthday with a zoo trip, casino, and good food in Cincy!
This next set of scans will once again be telling…do I stay on the same drug and same schedule? Change to something new? If so, how is it? The questions can be endless if I want them to be. For now, I’d rather keep planning the adventures to come (Family visit! Trip to Colorado! Work trip to Lake Placid!), keep trying to minimize the bullshit, and definitely telling the cancer that it can just fuck right off.
