The New "Normal"

Started the day early today saying goodbye to this lady:

Sorry other moms, she's the best.

 

Dropped her off at the airport so that she could be crazy, like only she can be, by flying "through" Boise (by way of Detroit and Salt Lake) to get to meet this one:

 

Alice in dreaming wonderland

 

It'll be a little strange not having Mom here, but it needed to happen.  As fantastic as it has been to have her here through this, I need to find a new groove of the reality of this new life I find myself in.  I managed to get a brief workout in this morning (Thanks Jillian).  Here are the lessons learned:

• I'm out of shape...I didn't do much the past month through all of this diagnosis/tests/doctors.
• I had only really been running before that...and I can tell.  Those 5 lb dumbbells felt A LOT heavier than I remember.
• My endurance and recovery is low...working out took a lot out of me, and this I think is in part due to the chemo.
• Now that I'm not training for the marathon anymore, I think I'll enjoy being able to vary my exercise routines with videos, circuits, etc. 

Other than that, I've spent a lot of time lounging, which isn't all that different than what I would have done in times B.C. (before cancer).  I think being alone will give me more time to think, which could be good, could be bad. The reality of everything that is happening is slowly sinking in more and more.  I think getting back to my "routine" will seem more like reality than this weird state I've been in for the past 4 weeks.  Starting classes again should help with that as well...thankfully, the kids keep showing up, no matter how good or bad I feel.

 

Physically, feeling pretty good still...some sour stomach at times, headaches (might be the lack of caffeine in my life lately), and some soreness/heaviness overall.  But getting along, eating pizza with friends last night (and leftover for breakfast this morning...so good). 

 

Regular full day of work tomorrow at UD and at Runners Plus.  Feeling like Owen Wilson in Armageddon, 98% excited and 2% nervous, or maybe it's the other way around.  Need to figure out if I'll be able to keep doing a few shifts at the running store...I do enjoy it and the extra cash is nice, so we'll see if it can stay in the new normal.

 

 

 



 

Saturday Night's All Right...

Don't know why I'm channeling Elton John this evening, but that's the case...

Started this morning off with a walk!

Fine Mom, I'll smile for a picture.

Felt good so decided to go for it...didn't take any anti-nausea pills as I didn't think I needed them, and the stomach has held up all day.  

After being out for about an hour, came back and still had enough energy to mow the lawn and do some weeding...pros and cons of living in the Midwest...it rains all the time, but it makes weeds grow fast!

Cut shorter to improve croquet games.

After a shower and quick lunch it was time to head to the Cancer Center for my Neulasta shot or what I've started referring to as my post-chemo chaser or immuno-booster.  It's a really simple back of the arm shot, almost like a vaccine.  I almost wish they'd just give it to me and I could do it myself!  One of the common side effects in bone pain (I like to think of it as feeling your marrow producing more cells), which I haven't experienced thus far.  I keep sort of wondering whether they've given me the right stuff since I feel so good!  Not going to complain though...

Other than that it's been a day of napping, tv watching, chinese food eating, and a quick yoga session (mostly because I said yesterday I was going to do it and wanted to stick to the plan!).  I'd say a nice day of relaxing.

My surgeon called this morning with my MRI results from this past week.  Nothing showing in the right breast, left breast tumor measuring at 6.5 cm, which was as predicted.  There were also some satellite "spots" in the left breast, not associated with the tumor, and suspicious nodes (she saw 5).  Most concerning, was that there was also a suspicious area on the sternum.  Getting the CT scan and bone scan sometime this week (a bit of a scheduling nightmare) will determine whether this is a metastatic growth or not.  Given that in the past, especially when I had lost weight that I've felt a "bump" on my sternum that felt bony rather than like soft tissue, I'm actually not that concerned.  Also, this is partially why I was "excited" to start chemo...no matter what we find or don't find, we're already working to stop growth and kill existing presence of cancer cells.

Laying in bed last night, I was actually thinking that I'm glad the port is on my right side and the tumor is on the left.  It's an interesting split of good vs evil, drugs vs disease going on.  I guess these are the things I think about rather than really worrying about what else is to come.

Silver lining of the day...it took about 3 seconds to do my new 'do.  Love that.

One Down!

Whelp, one treatment done.

And so far (only ~ an hour later), it's been fairly anti-climatic, but in a good way.

I'll start at the beginning...

Barbara Crecelius, Personal Assistant to Ms. Anne Crecelius brought me my morning coffee and a light breakfast in bed as has gotten WAY too familiar while she's been here.  I'm going to have to get back to reality a bit when she's gone.

It was nice to shower without so much hair, though I way over did it on the shampoo out of habit.  Definitely appreciated not having to spend time drying it though.  I had taken the bandage off my port and got the first good look at that:

You can kinda see the bump of the port...steri strips will come off with time.

 

It feels a little strange to have something implanted, but I think I'll get used to it and the soreness is improving.  Even practiced my routine of homemade mouthwash to prevent mouthsores, thorough handwashing, and double-flushing of the toilet [this last one is only done first 48 hours after treatment.  There's a slight risk for anyone who is exposed to any of the body's waste products/fluid after chemo, as the drugs are present in these.  Thus, double flushes and self-clean up of any vomit (which hopefully won't happen) is recommended. Oh, and condoms for sex.  Silver Lining: One less thing to worry about....]   

 

It was interesting getting ready and felt a little like the first day of school....What should I wear? Will people like my hair?  Mom! Did you pack snacks?! Where the hell is my laptop charger?! I want to be a little early.  Ok, yes, yeah, I think I have everything, let's go!

Yes, I do look happy and excited, you're not seeing things.

 

When I got there I had a momentary "oh shit, some of these people look sooo sick, am I gonna end up like them, oh no, oh no" moment, but it was rather temporary.  

 

Pretty much got right to it.  Since it was my first treatment, they didn't have to do a blood draw to check blood counts, but that will normally be step one. 

 

Deena, my nurse, accessing my port with a quick needle stick.



After making sure that all is set up correctly, I get my pre-game mixed cocktail.  Anti-nausea, steroids, etc...essentially to make the treatment (and after) more comfortable and less taxing on me.  All delivered through the I.V.  As you can see, I'm in a comfy chair, have my laptop up (hooray for wifi more on that later). 

 

Once all is on board, it's time for the good stuff...

Doxorubicin/Adriamycin...yes, it's red!

 

Delivery of the doxy is well-controlled...the nurse pushes and checks for backflow of blood (indicating the port is still placed within the vessel) between each push.  If this stuff gets out of the blood vessel it's bad news.  It isn't likely this would happen, but whenever a catheter is in, there's always a small risk of this (as I well know from my own work).  All went well. 

 

It's a strange feeling to sit there waiting to feel something (my toe's tingly, is that normal?), something I've done before in the lab as well.  It's also just weird for me to sit that long!  I stand at work normally, and don't own a recliner, so I think was having some stiffness aches and pains along the way. 

 

The Cytoxan comes next, but this is just delivery via the IV as a mixed solution.  I kept myself entertained doing some work, Mom did these. Also, thanks to technology, FaceTimed with Kait and her adorable little one (yay for moms on maternity leave!) as well as Karyn (post-run, pre-yoga...nice work seester!).

Hooray for technology!  Chemo for everyone!

 



I experienced a little bit of normal face-flushing and itchy nose toward the middle to end of the Cytoxan infusion so she slowed it down a bit, but nothing of concern. 

Ginger snaps? Sure, any excuse to eat cookies.  Well, maybe not "any"...

 



Mid-way through, another older lady getting treatment down the aisle got a delivery of Taco Bell...like a lot. Of Taco Bell.  This is funny because A) The nurse at chemo class specifically said to avoid Taco Bell and B) My two friends from UD both mentioned TBell to me because of the proximity to the treatment center.  We passed on stopping there on the way home today (have shredded beef for tacos tonight anyways), but if it's "allowable" I might consider in the future.

 

Picked up some RedBox movies, heated up leftovers for lunch, and have just been chilling out watching tennis.  Still feeling good, although we've heard and been told that day after and +2 (and maybe +3 according to Deena??) can be the worst.  Took some of the oral anti-nausea pills proactively and will take it easy.  Head back tomorrow at 1:30 for my immune-boosting recovery shot.

 

This probably gets old to hear but thanks for the well wishes!  So many!  You all are the best.  I can only hope that I continue to have good news to report.  This morning I finished reading the comic-memoir of Miriam Engelberg, Cancer Made Me a Shallower Person.  It's pretty hilarious, and definitely on point with a lot of what I've gone through already.  It was also a good reminder, that unlike the author of the other breast cancer memoir book I read, Miriam was not as lucky.  Her cancer reoccurred, became metastatic, and ultimately took her life.  I think reminders like this are good for me...I've been able to stay so positive, "knowing" that I'll be ok, but in all reality, nothing is for certain and there is a LONG way to go.  I simply hope that along this way, I have many more good days to report, like this one has been so far. 

 

PS- I wore the pink shirt pretty much tongue in cheek...please don't think I'm going pink-obsessed...cancer is happening to me, it isn't me, so I'm not going to let it totally dictate my wardrobe, decorations, etc.

 

 

 

Gettin' Hairs Cut

With a bit of a sore arm, after a vicodin-aided night of sleep, I headed to work for a "normal" day.  Taught for the first time, after missing class yesterday, my mixed grad/undergrad research methods class.  It was syllabus day and explained my "situation" during my introduction, as it may affect class (late-notice cancellations, not in office, etc.).  It was a little different doing this to a room of nearly 40 wide-eyed students, many of whom I'm had before, rather than the typical one-one conversations I've had lately.  I'm sure it was a bit of a shock, but hopefully it just serves as a reminder...the title of the blog, that you're never too young.

Reminder...Check your Chickens ladies.

It was also a little strange to be the center of attention again.  Teaching is a lot like being an entertainer in some ways, trying to keep an audience engaged and enthused about what you're doing.  While it was comforting to be back doing something I enjoy, I was also a little hesitant about being in the "spotlight".  I know my cancer isn't anything to be ashamed of and that it doesn't define me, but I may need to keep reminding myself of that, particularly when the physical changes begin to show.

Speaking of physical changes...today was a big day...HAIR day.

My friend Andria, a roommate from Dayton who now lives in Columbus came down to share in the fun.  We started with an appointment at a wig shop...the serious kind...lots of talking and consulting about styling, not just trying random things on.  As they say, pictures say a thousand words...

Bill did a lot of brushing...and yes, the earpiece stayed in the whole time

Matching colors...I'm cappuccino

 Looking at styles...

The "Samantha" is really nice...

Let's try one on...I'm not too sure about it...

Maybe I should just go multicolor...

Mom and Andria were a little weirded out by the natural hair options...

Bill suggested I stay away from the cheap machine stitched ones.

I didn't make a purchase just yet as I need to check with the insurance company about what my coverage for a "cranial prosthetic" might be.  I'm also not sure how much I'm going to want to wear a wig vs scarves/hats, etc.  I think it'll be nice to have an option that doesn't scream "I have cancer!" for certain meetings at work, etc. but I'm also not sure whether I will want to switch from one to another or wear the wig all the time.  Who knows.  Like with most of this, trying to keep an open and dynamic mind about it all.  Bill seems nice, and would provide good upkeep and styling, so would probably go back if I go in that direction.

After the wig stop and a quick stop for an ice cream snack (days are always improved with ice cream and naps), it was off to the salon!  I had decided I would cut my hair so that when it begins to fall out, cleanup is easier and it's less of a change.  When it's actually ready to fall out, I'm sort of looking forward to recreating this scene.  Ordered some skull caps to sleep in and catch hair from Amazon today (they really do have everything, and who can beat Prime shipping!).

I'll let the pictures do the talking (Mom was great paparazzi).  

The "Before" with my wonderful supporters!

And the "After!"  Donating to Pantene Beautiful Lengths to help others fighting cancer.

Andria donated too!  She's done it many times before :)

Another "After".  Short and smiling!

I think the stylist was a little overwhelmed when I briefly showed her pictures of Jennifer Lawrence and said things like "like a pixie, but maybe longer....oh, this is a pixie?  Oh, ok.  Yeah, well whatever, it's going to be gone in like a week anyway.  Seriously, just use your best judgement."

It's all becoming a bit more real with every step forward.  Still feeling pretty good about things.  Had a random "blurt" today...one of the associate deans asked how yesterday went and if I taught and I just sort of casually said "Oh, no, actually, I've recently been diagnosed with breast cancer and start chemo tomorrow so was having a procedure done in prep for that".  People don't really know how to respond to that.  I don't blame them.  I did however manage to use my filter when I saw a former student who had testicular cancer last semester and resisted high-fiving him and saying "Hey! I'm part of Cancer Club now too!"  So there's that.

Treatment is set for 11 tomorrow and I'm not going to bother going in to work first.  Here's hoping I'm still as positive then!

But first...let me take a #selfie...

Another semi-busy day!

After a somewhat terrible night of sleep, nearly overslept getting up for my echocardiogram this morning.  This was just a routine pre-chemo (specifically the doxorubicin which in high doses can cause heart failure) check.  Went rather quickly, I got a little nostalgic listening to the sweet sounds of doppler, reminding me of the years in the lab in Fort Collins.

Went to the office after but only for a bit as I had to fast pre-procedure for the port placement so was headachey (thanks to my lack of morning coffee) and hangry even at 10 am.  A nap at home felt pretty awesome, then it was off to yet another facility (we're making the rounds of hospitals here in Dayton) for the port placement.

After checking in, went to pre-op.

Give me the good stuff!

The gowns were kinda cool in that they could be "warming" though it also made me feel a bit like a vacuum cleaner:

The plastic lining of the gown was plenty warm enough for me.

Reviewed my cocktail of drugs with the nice, semi-attractive but disappointingly married anesthesia resident in a Green Bay Packers scrub cap, chatted briefly with my surgeon (same as will do the breast surgery later on), then it was off.  I don't remember much after making a couple smart ass comments in the operating room and I awoke in recovery ~40 min later.

After finally getting a quick snack, changed and was on my way home with Mom.  Stopped for some food, completely ignoring the directions to avoid spicy and greasy food, and am now resting.

Yes that is Mickey Mouse.  Writing is surgeon's handiwork, good stuff hidden by dressing.

The biggest disappointment of the day was having to miss my first meeting of my Physiology class this afternoon at 4:30.  I had hoped to make it, but alas, had to start practicing my "asking for help" thing that I'm going to have to get used to.  Coworkers came through to cover, and since it was just "syllabus day" it could have been much worse.

Shoutout to the WU Crew for a great care package.  Managed to make a couple phone calls to friends...the list is long and growing, so I apologize in advance if it takes awhile.  I also know that the comments and email subscription to the blog haven't been super user friendly...if using it on mobile, make sure that when commenting you're either signed into a google account or change the drop down option to "anonymous" (but then let me know who you are!).  As for subscription...easiest I think if you have a google account, if not, I'm not sure...I'll probably be pretty consistent about posting for these first milestone events if you want to just check in.

More fun post tomorrow after wig shopping and hair cutting!

Let's Get it Started...

Marc hates the Black Eyed Peas.  I should be nice to him and not remind him of his favorite band with this title as he's got enough on his hand taking Alice HOME tonight!  Hooray for a growing baby that's doing well.

There's a lot to update...I'll just take you through the day.

8:30 am - Appointment with the "shrink".
This isn't something new, as therapy has been a part of my life for some time (if you haven't tried it, you could try it, it can be pretty cool).  I'm a bit of a smart ass so was anxious to see her since last time we had blown off the ultrasound and mammogram as "oh, it'll be nothing".  Well I'll show her!  Jokes.  Anyways, it was nice to chat and I'm glad I have this particular kind of support in place already.  As I said with her, while this cancer is something I'm dealing with, it isn't "me", so I'm glad that someone who already knows me can help me through this, rather than having to see someone new and rehash.

10:15 am - Appointment with the oncologist
After waving to campus as I drove by (convocation was today, classes start tomorrow, more on that later), headed down to the south end of town to meet the oncologist.  I really like him.  Straight-shooter, yet caring, let me get my clothes back on before he told me how the next 6 months will suck, and to top it off he's a Dayton Flyer.  That's got to be a good sign, right?

Thankfully he asked about enrollment and not this...

 

The most important part of the appointment though was him laying out the chemo plan.  He reiterated what the surgeon had said and provided some additional details as well.  Here's what it's looking like:

•  First 8 Weeks: 4 Cycles of Adriamycin (doxorubicin) and Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide), once every 2 weeks. 
• This is the "big stuff", the cancer killers.  Could see tumor regression in size after the first dose.
• It's also the stuff that can wreck your blood cells (as it just acts on rapidly dividing cells without discriminating cancer from healthy cells).  So after a treatment day, I'll go in for a dose of Neulasta to try to keep my immune system high.
• I'll still have to be careful about germs and such but don't have to go crazy with it.
• I will lose my hair (7-10 days after first dose), so it's good I checked out hats...
• Silver lining alert!  No shaving!
• Fertility shouldn't directly be affected, but really only time will tell.  Would want about 2 years post treatment before considering getting pregnant.  Considering that I'm single and don't anticipate that "I have cancer" is the way to a guy's heart, not thinking that will be a problem.
• Sidenote: the meeting with the oncologist felt a little like a first date..."he seemed nice"  "I liked that he looked at me when he talked" "He seemed well put together".  As I joked with Mom, maybe I shouldn't have been such a slut and let him feel me up on the first date....
• Next 12 Weeks: 12 Cycles of Taxol, once weekly
• This is the "easier" part, not as fatigue inducing, hair may grow back, etc.
• Surgery
• See last post, options TBD
• Radiation? (depends on surgery)
• Hormone therapy
• Can't do this with the chemo, so get to delay the whole menopause thing for now.

Before the chemo, I have to get a port put in to eliminate the need to constantly put IVs in.  Will look something like this:

Google search for the NSFW pics

 

My surgeon will do the procedure tomorrow afternoon.  Before chemo, I also need to have an echocardiogram done to check heart function.  This is pretty standard, and in really high doses, the doxorubicin (I use the generic name because that's what I'm familiar with...there's some good research out of U of Northern Colorado on exercise and doxy that I heard in grad school).  That's also going to happen tomorrow.  Doc's office is nice, they handle scheduling well, and sent me on my way, with appointments scheduled.  I'll see Dr. Romer in 2 weeks.

 

CHEMO STARTS FRIDAY!  I'm excited as I'm anxious to get treatment started...this schedule also bodes well for some future travels (I'm talking to you Minnesota...1st weekend in October...), and bonus! I won't have to get chemo on my birthday weekend.

 

11:00 am- Lunch!  Felt a little like a celebration which both Mom and I said was strange, but seemed fitting.  We like having plans!!

 

12:30 pm- Back to doc...oops, left before letting them draw blood for a pre-chemo check.  As I said on the way home today, it's probably a good thing, I'm used to being poked and prodded (thanks to the lab at CSU).  If I stressed out about ever needle stick, I'd be in real trouble.

 

1:30 pm- CHEMO CLASS! 

That is seriously what they call it.  At the place I'll receive treatment, myself and others got to attend C101.

 

And I thought the other welcome kit was impressive...

 

Sitting in this "class" felt a lot like I'm sure my students will feel like tomorrow...going through a syllabus (I can read! This is in writing! Why are you telling me this?!), people asking silly questions ("so, there are different kinds of chemotherapy?"), the instructor trying to make everyone feel welcome ("Not everyone will make friends with the person next to them"), giving helpful hints that really probably should just be demands ("If you want to use this to keep things organized, you can, but everyone needs to stay organized in their own way!").  Kind of funny.  A lot of the info was good, and we learned about some additional resources (direct help from Pink Ribbon Girls, free wigs from ACS, what helps with taste and mouth sores, etc.).  Also got to see the treatment space (wahoo for wifi!) where I'll be spending the 2.5-3 hours that treatment will take.

 

3:30- Cancer Survival Kit Shopping

Sort of felt like a college kid again, going to walmart and going shopping for "essentials" with mom.  This time though, the essentials looked a little different...

 

Where are the 3M hooks, school supplies, and shower caddy?

 

From left to right...

V-neck for easy access to port - and sure, pink, wahoo!

Sunscreen - chemo makes you sun sensitive.

Baking soda, bottle, salt, soft toothbrush - prone to mouth sores with chemo so have to rinse daily and want to avoid mouth bleeding as it's an easy way for infections to get in.

Ginger ale, crackers, ginger tea - while I will get anti-nausea medicine with the chemo in the iv and have prescription anti-nausea pills for after, this is the most common and annoying side effect and these can help.

Thermometer- daily temperature checks so that if infection arises, can nip in the bud

Lemon drops and Life Savers- chemo makes things taste bad, and sucking on these can help

Antibacterial wipes and sanitizers- Yeah, germs are bad. 

 

5:00- Breast MRI Appointment

MRI just gives another image of both breasts to make sure there aren't any cells lurking in the right breast and also identify the left and serve as a baseline.  Got to put sweet nipple stickers on, get an IV (for contrast for better imaging to be injected through) and then lay face down on the bed that gets put in the MRI tube.  Got to wear headphones and when asked what I wanted to listen to...

 

"Uh...Beyoncé...that's womanly, seems appropriate"

 

Didn't realize quite how loud the MRI would be, and actually drowned out the music, and sounded more like I was suffering through really bad house/techno music. 

 

If I was going to have a panic attack, I think it might have been at this point.  Lying, face down, just me, boobs hanging between plastic, contemplating what has happened in the last 3 weeks. Good thing I really like enclosed spaces, and didn't have to hit the panic button and made it through.

 

6:30 After picking up some food, finally made it home after a long but productive day.  Arrived to cards (Mom's friends...you people are way too nice...) and Amazon packages.

 

Light reading for bedtime, some serious, some fun.

 

Ordered these after reading this one:

On Amazon

 

Read this in literally a single night.  It's really good.  And I can relate already to a lot of what she writes about and I'm sure I will as this whole thing progresses.  It's good, I recommend. 

 

8:30 pm - Now.  Writing to update because a lot sure did happen.  Tomorrow's another full day, should make it back to campus in time to "teach" (aka 'syllabus day') at 4:30 but lovely coworkers will cover if I'm running late.  Thursday is a bit of a break, then the big day is Friday.

 

I'm happy to have a plan, as scary as the plan is starting to feel.  I'm sure some will say I'm rushing, but Big Bertha continues to grow, and I'm comfortable with these docs, facilities, and treatment plans, and I think that's really what's important.  The scientist in me freaked out a bit pre-MRI...."Should I do a clinical trial for the good of society?!?!"  "Maybe I'm rushing?!?"  "Did we ask all the questions we should have?!?"  But really, I'm in a good place getting ready for this, or at least getting as ready as I can be.

 

So here we go chemo, Imma be doin my thing.

 

 

 

 

Finishing up the week

Friday was an overall better day...Mom dropped me off at work in the morning since it was raining and prevented a pleasant bike ride in.  On the way, the surgeon called to let us know that the HER2 FISH test came back and was negative.  This means that the tumor has normal levels of HER2.  While this is good, in that HER2 positive tumors tend to grow more aggressively, it also means that the treatments that are available that can target the HER2 protein won't be options.

I have an appointment with the medical oncologist on Tuesday morning to discuss chemo treatments and the HER2 status is an important piece of information for that.  MRI with contrast is also scheduled for Tuesday, which will give more imaging of the breasts.  The insurance wouldn't approve a PET scan unless the surgeon really was insistent so instead I'll do a CT scan and bone scan instead.  These essentially accomplish the same thing...determining whether the cancer has spread to any other part of the body.

On the drive in (which is really only about 5 minutes...a lot can happen sitting in the parking lot!), Mom and I also discussed the issue of getting a second opinion.  Long story short, I made some calls, as did Barbara Crecelius, personal assistant, and got on the books for an appointment at Ohio State's Cancer Center.  In these discussions, both of us also found out that my insurance coverage is good, Anthem is helpful, and there are no limitations to chemotherapy drugs.  Additionally, the in-network providers get pre-approval before making orders, so while this can at times delay scheduling (ex: the PET scan), it also eliminates the need for me to make multiple phonecalls between insurance and doctors and for that I am thankful.

After work, essentially zoned out and watched Netflix with mom.  Would recommend Paranoia with the oh-so-attractive Liam Hemsworth, but not so much the "biopic" Diana.  While laying around, I had the thought that maybe this is all just a bad dream and at some point, I'll wake up.  Unfortunately, I realize that is not the case.

Overall, I am still overwhelmed by the outpouring of support.  Met with work ladies for coffee because they intentionally wanted to know what to do to help.  Your messages continue and mean so much.  In yesterday's mail, I received a touching note from my AP Statistics teacher from my senior year of high school.  Through the grapevine of former teachers and parents of friends, he had heard and gotten my address.  Also included was this photo:

Brought a smile to my face, as again, as much as life can change, it remains much the same.  Can't say based on looking at me that I'd know this was 11 years ago!